Tiffani Thiessen aka Kelly Kapowski aka Valerie on 90210 is HAVING A BABY! For some reason this news has me through the roof, and mostly because I secretly am hoping the baby is Zach’s. Ahhh! Wouldn’t you just die?!?!?

According to People Magazine, which I’m sure is a publication filled with big fat liars with no hopes and dreams left from their childhood, she’s actually preggo with Brady Smith’s baby. Clearly since I’ve never heard of him this entire thing is just a cover up and she’s definitely having Zach’s baby. In their favorite booth at The Max. Mmmm, milkshakes. Also, they’re trying to clam that this couple has been married since 2005 and they’ve been wanting kids forever and that they’re over the moon. Sounds like a big ol’ PR move to me.

Whatever. That thing is totally Zach’s.

Nelly Furtado’s video for her new single came out today and it’s definitely worth checking out. Nelly’s singing in Spanish on this joint, and even though I can’t understand a thing she’s saying, it’s still just as fun to listen to as some of her older hits. The video itself is boring at times, but trust me, you’ll want to stick in for the twist ending. I think beside singing in Spanish, Nelly is also taking cues from telenovelas.

Oh. My. God.  Guyyyyyyyzzzzz, like, Rachel Zoe literally fired her assistant Taylor last Friday.  Oh, I die!  Miserable Taylor “Everything in the World Hurts Including This Horrible Job, Kindness and Sun on my Skin” Jacobsen — we’ve seen plenty of her carping on The Rachel Zoe Project — sent an e-mail to her contacts that made it sound like she quit as opposed to being like, canned:  ”After four amazing years at Rachel Zoe Corporation, I’m saddened and exhilarated at the same time to announce my departure. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to take the challenging leap to go off and style on my own.”  Oh, what a disaster!

I’m so upset over this news.  No, I’m not kidding, guys.  Like, you don’t even know.  This is bananas!  My earlobes are pulsing and I like, blackout every time I blink and I’m so like … sick about this that I threw up the lima bean I ate for breakfast.  I’m pretty sure I’m going to die … lit. er. ally.

When Morrissey isn’t occupied collapsing on stage, he’s running off stage like he did this weekend.

Morrissey was in the middle of his second song during a Liverpool concert — he just started up his tour again after being ill — when a concertgoer threw a beer bottle at the singer’s head.  I’ve read some articles that say it was a plastic bottle that was tossed.  I don’t know if the material matters, Morrisey was fine, but immediately stopped singing, said “goodbye” and walked off the stage.

Now, the bottle thrower is a douchebag, but what about the thousands of other Morrissey fans that were there to see him?  Stood up. Paying the price for one idiot.  Despite audience chants, Morrissey wouldn’t return to the stage.  It reminds me of something that Tori Amos said in an interview a few years ago.  She was asked about cancelling concerts, she has cancelled very few in her career, and her reasoning was because “people have changed their lives to be there.”  So true!  I hope M wasn’t injured — reports say he’s just fine — and I hope his fans get a refund!

Conservatives caught wind of this 36-second clip of Sesame Street re-run — it originally aired during the Bush presidency and ran again last week — and they are not amused.  Well, at least some of them don’t think it’s very funny.

If you can’t watch, let me break it down for you:  Oscar the Grouch starts his own network called GNN (Grouchy News Network).  Right here, I gotta say, that’s funny shit and not just for the toddler set.  I’ve been laughing about it for at least 17 seconds.  A female caller dials in to Oscar’s show and eventually claims that she’s going to start watching Pox News, “a trashy news show.”

This is Sesame Street, dudes.  It needs to be kept innocent and clean and free of political agenda, especially considering that it is partially funded by American tax dollars.  Let’s just allow our kids to focus on deaf Linda and her hot romance with Bob the shop keeper.  Yes, I’ve realized that these characters are probably dead now, but I live in 1975 — it’s how I roll.

Whilst a Sesame Street spokesperson claimed that it was meant to be a “harmless parody,” PBS Ombudsman Michael Getler had this to say about the skit:  ”I don’t know what was in the head of the producers, but my guess is that this was one of those parodies that was too good to resist. But it should have been resisted. Broadcasters can tell parents whatever they think of Fox or any other network, but you shouldn’t do it through the kids.

Whew.  Now that we’ve got that resolved, I’d like to announce tomorrow’s Sesame Street guest:  Michelle Obama.  Yep, I’m serious.

There were a couple of surprises at the box office this weekend.  Jim Carrey’s A Christmas Carol delivered on the low end of expectations, pulling in $31M.  Michael Jackson’s This Is It is still pulling in big bucks even though “It” wasn’t the two-week limited engagement that it was originally hyped as.

The Men Who Stare at Goats premiered in third place, despite trailer commercials running every twenty minutes for the past two weeks.  Precious — an Oprah Winfrey Production — also premiered this weekend and you’ll see that it’s nowhere on the list of top ten flicks.  It only played in limited release, 18 theaters, and pulled in $1.8M.  That is, like, huge — $100,000 in revenue per theater versus $8,418 per theater for this week’s number one movie.  I had no idea that the Oprah followers were still so plentiful.

Lastly, the premiere of Cameron Diaz’s The Box tanked once everyone realized it wasn’t a badly named porn flick.

1. “A Christmas Carol,” $31 million.

2. “Michael Jackson’s This Is It,” $14 million.

3. “The Men Who Stare at Goats,” $13.3 million.

4. “The Fourth Kind,” $12.5 million.

5. “Paranormal Activity,” $8.6 million.

6. “The Box,” $7.9 million.

7. “Couples Retreat,” $6.4 million.

8. “Law Abiding Citizen,” $6.2 million.

9. “Where the Wild Things Are,” $4.2 million.

10. “Astro Boy,” $2.6 million.