Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Way to Contribute to the Problem, America

Robert Pattinson

Well, that New Moon crap opened up this weekend and everyone’s seeing it/talking about it/talking about seeing it. I sat with a group of 20-somethings over a business brunch just an hour or so ago and all we talked about is mother freaking vampires and I’m just sitting there like “Did anyone have sex this weekend? Where’s my bacon? Are there any movies out without fantastical creatures in them, because I’m about to kill myself if I have to hear one more word about werewolves and vampires. Seriously. You see this butter knife? I am a woman on the edge. I could cause some serious damage, you guys.”

There’s an US Weekly headline up right now that says the following: “New Moon Has Third-Biggest Opening Weekend in Film History”. That’s supposed to be impressive and show all of us what a hugely popular franchise it is, I suppose. Maybe it really is just that popular. But here’s a fun tip: That movie played in every theater in America this weekend, and the number of screens a movie plays on is a huge factor in how much it brings in at the box office. Any time a movie “like this” comes out it sets records because if you live in Bumbleboo, Indiana, that’s the only movie that’s out in your theater right now.

Perhaps it’s just my complete and utter hatred for all things fantasy that’s making me want to blow away the smoke and smash the mirrors, but I’m hearing this movie sucks. I can’t believe that I’m going to have to hear about Twilight and Twilight-related things for the next year or two of my life. Harry Potter? He was fine. I’ll take Harry. Delightful boy.

I will tell you this, though: I, much like Sasha, would kidnap that 17 year old Taylor Lautner and keep him in my apartment until he is of legal age for me to do terrible things to him.

36 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Gee, molls you are sick hearing about werewolves and vampires? I’m sick hearing about lesbian global warmers who fantasize about under water cities and ocean based wind mills, and a bunch of washed up, one hit wonders from the north west. I’ll shut up if you shut up.

      • I am starting to love you more, and more. You may have tastes in things I can’t seem to appreciate but you are loyal to them and your responses to my highly acidic comments/sarcasm have been nothing but pleasant. As a person, you have actually begun to impress me. I know my opinion doesn’t count for shit, but for what its worth, a lot of people (myself included) can learn something from you.

        On bended knee.

        molls, will you marry me?

      • They are teens and young 20 somethings… of course they are gonna be stupid and silly over something the rest of the world doesn’t get. that just goes with being a stupid silly teen.

        can’t be any less intellectual than Titanic was.

      • Even “good” movies suck lately. Every movie nowadays is either a remake or downright shitty. Almost every teenager is fixated on this PG romance. It is basically being hailed as the second bible and the best romance movie of the century.

        My six year old cousin has her mom read these books to her. That about puts it in its place – a romance for the naive, the easily amused, or the children.

        What happened to standards?

  • I agree with everything you said in that article, but I will still see that damn film and probably enjoy the hell out of it, despite the awful acting.
    Also: if Taylor Lautner is legal for Taylor Swift then he’s legal for me – in fact, I’m a month or so younger than her so ha!

    I should be ashamed of my myself.

  • Haha the last paragraph kills me. This is the kind of sardonic wit Evil Beet was lacking ifor a while. Loves it. More of this pleeeease.

  • I told myself I wasn’t going to see it and then last night after work my sister called me and asked me to go with her. I was like, “I am not wasting 10 bucks on that movie” and she said she would pay for me..So I saw it. And even if the acting is terrible (its alot better than twilight though), its still a good story and very intertaining..just like Twilight is. So even though I hate vampire/wizard/witch/werewolf stories, I actually enjoyed this one. If not only because Jacob Black=hotness. Haha.

    • I actually kind of have a thing for vampire movies, books and so on, which is exactly why I will not be seeing this movie. You know why?

      These are not real vampires.

      They can go out during the day? They don’t drink blood? Crosses and garlic don’t faze them? So what the f*ck’s the point?

      Vampirism: The New Botox.

  • Never read the books and my friend and I saw the first one through Netflix. Oh my lord are they HILARIOUS!! Now we go and see them to get some laughs and add some new quotes to laugh about later. The first movie brought me the awesome scene where she sees him sparkle and is like “It’s like diamonds, you’re so beautiful!” Hahahah too funny. We say it all the time now.

    So I just saw New Moon last night (only paid 6 bucks thank god!) and we could not stip laughing when they used the freaking “You’re so beautiful line AGAIN! Do the writers really suck that badly? Was it an inside joke? Not sure but it was funny. We also got the nice phrase “Age is just a number, baby” from hottie Taylor Lautner who was also a main reason to see the film. If nothing else we cam away having great new jokes and 2 hours or staring at boys without shirts on. I can deal with that. But god did that movie SUCK! Harry Potter FTW!!

  • I have no interest in the movies or books except to see what all the fuss is about. I doubt that any of them will interest me, but supposedly Dakota Channing makes a fine villainess.

    Unless she somehow loses the acting chops she’s had in spades since she was tiny, her talent may mature, making her best actress of her generation. If she isn’t already.

    • Is Dakota Channing a sister of TATUM CHANNING???? ;)

      i know how bad for your brain the whole twilight thing is but…

      SPOILER WARNING DO NOT READ BELOW

      it’s just sooo cool how bella has the dealbreaker power. i think stephenie realized somewhere writing along the first book that all the loveydovey crap ain’t gonna carry on for four books. definitely loved how it ended more than it began!

  • Next year?! You’re going to hear about this and its offspring franchises for the next ten years. And then when you’re old and gray you’ll get to hear these hysterical teens talk as adults about the crappy movies THEIR teens watch.

    Seriously, Taylor Lautner? You don’t think his head is too small for his body? But good for him and good for you. Live life lustfully.

    • Agreed. What the fuck has happened to the viewing public these days? Give me a bad Coen Brothers movie anyday over this steaming pile of shit.

  • Real Life is boring as fuck on film, I want Fantasy and more of it. I cannot bare another flick about some stupid woman’s midlife crisis or some neurotic douchebag with equally douchey friends meandering about with no conclusion!

  • Real Life is boring as fuck on film, I want Fantasy and more of it. I cannot bare another flick about some stupid woman’s midlife crisis or some neurotic douchebag with equally douchey friends meandering about with no conclusion!

  • dear god, i know that the edgy different thing about this website is that the posts are “witty” and the writers put their opinions in. Hell, thats why I love it. But god, could this GET anymore bias? If u hate it that much- dont write about it! its very clear u just love to whinge.

  • umm… ok listen… molls… I am getting used to you. I dont get annoyed as much as I used to, especially after watching some videos on your blogs… but I have to say that new moon wasn’t that shitty. it was actually really good- wayyy better than the first (you can totally tell the difference in directors)- the music was incredible and Rob pattinson is hardly even in it. PLUS Taylor Lautner has his shirt of 95% of the time and it is entirely awesome. so dont hate..

    oh yeah I saw the first one 2 times (with different groups of friends) and it was pretty fun. tons of laughs with those ridiculous lines =)

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