“It could be a year, a month, a week – who knows?

– Michael Lohan on how soon he expects his daughter to die now that she’s supposedly addicted to various prescription medicines.

The cover of Adam Lambert’s upcoming record was released today and… um… Woah. That’s some sparkly shit right there. That’s some really amazingly glittery, fabulous, Photoshopped stuff.

As for the album itself, I’m sure it’s not going to disappoint Lambert fans and American Idol die hards… but can you believe that album cover? Somewhere across the pond Elton John is looking at that thing and thinking that he needs to step his homo game up. Good lord.

Natalie Portman wrote a piece for the Huffington Post about her devout vegetarianism and credited “Eating Animals” by Jonathan Safran Foer as a major part of her inspiration to go vege. Well, Miss Thang is raising a lot of eyebrows with her controversial and PETA-like approach to her defense of the lifestyle, most specifically when she compared eating meat to rape. Two choice quotes from the piece are right here:

“I’m often interrogated about being vegetarian (e.g., ‘What if you find out that carrots feel pain, too? Then what’ll you eat?’ ).  I’ve also been afraid to feel as if I know better than someone else—a historically dangerous stance (I’m often reminded that ‘Hitler was a vegetarian, too, you know.’ ) But this book reminded me that some things are just wrong.”

And of course, the doozy:

“He posits that consideration…which has more to do with being polite to your tablemates than sticking to your own ideals, would be absurd if applied to any other belief (e.g., I don’t believe in rape, but if that’s what it takes to please my dinner hosts, then so be it).”

I really despise when vegetarians take this approach to explaining their lifestyle. Shaming people in to converting to an animal-free diet is no way to go about it, and comparing the consumption of animals bred for eating purposes to rape? Well, that’s pretty low, not to mention extremely unfair. While it’s one thing to want to drive your point home, this approach seems immature and quite simply designed to trigger disgust and guilt in the reader. It could be an effective approach, but is it honest or fair? Not really.

The D.A. assigned to the cases of Joe Francis, Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole surrounding a fight at a Los Angeles night club is saying that he won’t file charges against any of them. Gee, you mean you think they might have been fabricating the severity of the crimes committed the entire time? Why would anyone draw unneeded attention to themselves? Surely there’s no publicity on the line.

The tape from the Guys and Dolls security camera that caught the whole “incident” shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation”, as in “bitch went crazy and threw a drink. It’s not as big of a deal as she’s making it out to be.” The DA found the cases to be such a non-issue that they stated “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.” To translate once again, that means “we’re not going to waste time by fueling the self-serving interests of three famewhores who want to make a big deal about a spilled vodka soda in court.”

I caught a lot of flack in the comments when this story first broke for saying that I was pretty sure Jayde made the whole thing up and that the bruises she suffered as a result of her “attack” were more likely caused by her own crazy behavior than the foot of Joe Francis, who not too long ago served a decently-sized prison sentence. I’m pretty sure that that bonehead has no desire to go back to jail and wouldn’t be seen kicking a Playmate over the uncomfortable feeling of wearing some wet pants. However, I’m feeling pretty vindicated knowing that not even the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office will see these fools in court because the entire incident is so obviously overblown and a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Bless these people, seriously. They need it.

I don’t know about you, but this recession has taught me one thing: If it costs more than five dollars, I can’t afford to eat it. This has forced me to eat many meals at my local taco truck and lots and lots of steamed broccoli (great fiber, you guys), but honestly it hasn’t been that bad. Until today, anyway. That’s when I saw that Bey and Jay are going out and spending 1200 bones on a mid-day meal and leaving behind 500 dollar tips. Damn! Just the thought of that makes me want to go splurge on a seven dollar sandwich and get as crazy as my idols. Pics of the couple dining with who I assume are business partners below…

Most people aren’t a fan of Scarlett Johansson’s singing and acting, but that’s never stopped her from doing it. Now she’s taking it to the next level by appearing on Broadway. Good grief.

The show, A View From the Bridge (which thankfully does not appear to be a musical), will open on January 24th, which means that Scarlett has plenty of time to practice before the big day. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if local area husbands take an interest in the theater, because let’s face it: This broad is sexy as hell no matter what her mouth is doing.

The upside for Scarlett? She’ll be appearing opposite Tony winner Liev Schreiber, who won for his performance in Glengarry Glen Ross. That ought to make the whole play much better and hopefully inspire Scarlett to keep her game stepped up throughout the showing.