Here’s the thing:  If you work for Disney, and then you grow up, you must do something to distance yourself from The Mouse.  You must either have a quickie wedding in Vegas followed by a marriage that lasts 55 hours, or make a sex tape, or accept a movie role playing a prostitute.  If you’re Ashley Tisdale, it’s all about the slutty music video, complete with sultry camera gazes.

What do we think of her new song, “Crank It Up”?  Overproduced?  Weak vocals?  I’m rocking out to an old Bangles CD right now, so I’m no one to judge.

It may not be the healthiest approach, but I think it’s human nature to just totally ignore a situation when we wish it wasn’t happening.  Some people do it when they find a mysterious lump or start suffering some unusual physical symptom.  I did it just last night at my kid’s school open house when I just did not want to deal with the mother who never shuts up.  I could see her in my peripheral vision, trying hard to catch my attention, and I just kept starting at the water bubbler. (That’s a drinking fountain for all of you who don’t live in Wisconsin or Massachusetts.)

There’s something else I’ve been trying to avoid, and that’s the rumors of Katy Perry dating Russell Brand.  This couple terrifies me.  She with her dice and banana dresses and he with his three conquests a day.  He made a few Katy Perry/hotel room jokes at the VMAs, but again, I was in denial.

Unfortunately, they were photographed together at a Fendi party in France last night, which kind of confirms the news I’ve been dreading.  If there’s any bright side, we can call them “Rusty” for their couple nickname.  Or “Berry”.  Or “Rusty Berry”.

“And, of course, here you go: I still love her.  But she’s retarded, too.”

Guy Ritchie in an Esquire magazine interview talking about — who else? — his matronly ex, Madonna.

Can you imagine how angry Madge was after reading that?  I can’t confirm this, but I hear she was so outraged that she ate an entire carrot stick chased down by not one, but two bottles of Kabbalah water.

Little Jani Schofield may be the smartest seven year old that I’ve ever seen.  She was on yesterday’s Oprah (film only, her parents were in the studio) because she’s a little girl that has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  You know why she’s a headline-maker to me, though?  Because she screamed right in Oprah’s big potato head face.

You know, this child is mentally ill, but that doesn’t make her a Malti-Poo.  And I think she didn’t appreciate Oprah talking to her like she was one.  This clip proves one thing:  Oprah’s condescending demeanor stops for no one.  Schofield just kept screaming, “I don’t want to talk to you!” which is basically my dream come true.  I often fantasize about agreeing to go on Oprah and at the first sign of Oprah giving me a dismissive nod or interrupting me because she just knows what I’m going to say next, I’d yell, “I don’t want to talk to you!  Get away from me!  I wanna be on Tyyyyyyyrrrrraaaaa!”

Anyway, it’s been said that children can see auras and are extremely perceptive about people’s energy.  Do we need more evidence?  Today, I salute you Jani Schofield as well as every voice in your head.  You’re all awesome!

The formerly super-skinny Nicole Eggert is back on the beach in her Baywatch bikini with a few more pounds on her.  And she’s willing to let someone die if they don’t like it.

Eggert is all set to appear on this season’s Celebrity Fit Club on VH1, but all I could think is, “She looks perfectly fine!”  Now, a size 10 wearing a bikini equals fat?  I am so screwed if that’s the case.

Frances Bean Cobain took to her Twitter account — it’s now deleted, probably due to her inability to keep it to 140 characters or less — as a means to communicate to Ali Lohan that “notaritey” for who you are is not something to strive for.  Here’s her diatribe:

This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.
Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name. Your idea of fame isn’t fame. It’s infamy. You want to be famous? Work your ass off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one. Notariety for who you are and notaritey for the work you produce are two completely differnt things. I understand that you have been brought up in an envirtoment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that’s not an excuse. You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous. Your careere choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it. And if you do, it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss shared with the likes of Spencer Pratt & Jon Gosslin who, i’m sure, will steal your money whilst there. Fortunately for the world, there are people who have and don’t have recognizable names, who have obtained artistic integrity and will one day, hopefully, bring that tangible artisticness into light again. Though, its hard to think thats achievable when people like You ali lohan are rendering the world of true talent by attempting to make your entitled ass noticed. How is this fair to the people who HAVE artistic integrity, or a mind? How is it fair to those who truly have something to offer the human race other then a dwindling last name and a few shitty films, both of which, solidified the idea that your just a celebrities sibling. I recognize that i might come across as harsh and no, i don’t personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you. You blatently don’t care how your recognized, its the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea .Well, im ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you. I would rather die a most painful death the be assoicated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self. I hope i’m wrong because generally i’m not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement.

Apparently, FBC has nothing better to do — she’s certainly not attending remedial grammar classes — than to take to the Internet to pick on unparented 15 year olds.  Trust me, Frances … no one is lumping you in the same category as Ali Lohan.  Generally, I think the public feels really bad for Ali as she was “raised” in a neglectful environment by a totally out-to-lunch, over-bleached, nonsensical “mother” who has no sense of appropriate boundaries.  Oh, wait …