I am trying to come up with something funny to say about the fact that Nick Nolte’s 23-year-old son, Brawley, was arrested on PCH for DUI on Tuesday afternoon (afternoon?), but I don’t stand a chance in hell of coming up with something better than what Alex Blagg posted on his Twitter:

Nick Nolte’s son was arrested for DUI, too. He should do a reality show with dad called “So Noltorious.”

There you have it. I admit when I’ve been beat. Although I will add that, when you know you’re an alcoholic and you still go ahead and name your biological child “Brawley,” you gotta know that kid doesn’t stand a chance.

Get your ass into treatment, “Brawley,” so you don’t have to pose for mug shots for twenty more years like your dad did.

I don’t even know what to do with this story. Dina Lohan is “releasing” a line of shoes called … this is not a joke … “Shoe-han.” Which doesn’t even rhyme with “Lohan.” Things that do rhyme with “Lohan” include “Ho-han,” “Crackho-han” and “Blow-han.” Things that do not rhyme with “Lohan” include “Desperate Famewhore Stage Mother” and “Shoe-han.” I’m just saying.

And Dina won’t really have anything to do with the line, other than choosing the colors styles materials models. Her co-creators in the line are the Long Island-based I Love My Shoes. “She will do a radio and TV commercial and she will sit in on the casting call to find two or three hot girls we need for the commercial,” I Love My Shoes founder and president Robert Yeganeh says, noting, “Although she won’t be the designer of the line … she’ll definitely have a major influence in which direction it will go.”

I kind of love that this dude is media-ignorant enough to be like, “Oh, yeah, she’s basically just lending her name to it, she won’t really be helping at all.” It’s kind of refreshing, much nicer than the typical “YES ASHLEY OLSEN WILL BE SITTING IN A SWEATSHOP IN CAMBODIA SEWING YOUR LAMBSKIN PANTS WITH HER TEETH WE SWEAR TO GOD.”

I’d get straight to dissing this line and saying it won’t sell for shit, but that’s what I said about Lindsay’s leggings line, and Kitson still can’t keep that shit in stock. So I’ll just keep quiet about the sales potential here and be content in my smugness and superiority because Dina Lohan is calling her shoe line “Shoe-han.” That’s plenty for me, yes ma’am.

Aw, shit guys!  A new story has surfaced about Anna Nicole Smith — will they ever stop surfacing? — and it’s not good.  According to an old boyfriend, the bombshell asked him to shoot and kill her ex-husband’s son back in 2000.  Take it with a grain of salt since this story cropped up while he was in jail after being convicted for threatening Anna, but …

Just-released FBI documents reveal that the eccentric star was examined in 2000 and 2001 in a murder-for-hire scheme.  The alleged target was Pierce Marshall, the son of Anna Nicole’s much-older oil-tycoon husband Howard Marshall.

At the time of the murder investigation, Anna Nicole was embroiled in a bitter legal battle with Pierce for his late father’s $400 million estate.

Anna Nicole was questioned by agents about the murder plot on July 3, 2000, and according to the documents, “Smith began crying and denied ever making such plans.”

The FBI documents say a revolver and 3.5-inch stainless steel knife were confiscated from Anna Nicole’s home, along with a black and orange hat described as a “Dr. Seuss” hat.  The three items were returned to Anna Nicole seven months later.

Anna Nicole’s sister Donna Hogan tells INSIDE EDITION, though she loves her late sister, the claims of a murder plot “wouldn’t shock or surprise” her.

Other sources close to Anna Nicole tell INSIDE EDITION the whole story came from her ex-boyfriend Mark Hatten.  In 2003, while serving time in prison for making criminal threats against Anna Nicole, Hatten told INSIDE EDITION,

“She wanted me to take care of it for her…If I wasn’t going to do it personally, to get a contract going to kill Pierce Marshall.”

“So Anna Nicole asked you to kill the son of her ex-husband?”

“Absolutely, numerous times,” he said.  “She’d get jacked up on pain pills and then this would come out and she’d start saying Mark you gotta kill him, I’m Anna Nicole I can’t do it, you gotta take care of this for me.  I’ll do anything for you, we’ll be set.’ “

Listen, I have no idea if this is true or not, especially since both of the involved parties, Smith and Pierce who died in 2006, aren’t here to confirm or deny.  What I’d really like to know is what was the significance of the Dr. Suess hat?  I would kill you here or there, I would kill you in bad head wear.

Sooooo, you guys, I am VERY EXCITED to announce a super awesome contest Evil Beet is doing in honor of the DVD release of The Proposal, starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. We are giving away a trip for two to either Napa Valley or Las Vegas to the winner of our latest contest. The trip will include domestic airfare and two nights’ stay in the location of your choice. This is VERY VERY AWESOME and we’re SO PUMPED to get to give this prize to one of you.

What’s the contest? Here it is in legalese:

To enter: Send an email to proposalcontest@evilbeetgossip.com with your first and last name, age, email address and postal mail address (including Zip Code) and include in the email your own original true story in English, in 500 words or less, about the best, funniest most unusual marriage or romantic commitment proposal you’ve had. Each story must be entrant’s own original creation, executed solely by entrant and may not have won any other award. Stories may not have been published previously. Modifying, enhancing or altering a third party’s preexisting work does not qualify as entrant’s original creation.

So, basically, you send in your funniest or bestest original proposal story. I specifically requested the language about “romantic commitment” because I’m of the opinion that just because your state doesn’t think you can legally marry doesn’t mean you can’t win my contest. So this is open to “opposite marriage” as well as same-sex proposal stories. Unfortunately, it is not open to contestants outside of the US or under the age of 18. Because of the value of the prize, there are a bunch of uber-legal rules here. PLEASE READ THE RULES CAREFULLY because we have to follow them to a T. Like, for instance, if you don’t include your ZIP code in your submission, we can’t consider it. So please please read the rules. The contest will be judged by me as well as members of my harem over here at RealNetworks. So sending me amazing bribes won’t guarantee you a win. You will have to send all of us amazing bribes. (Contact me for a full list of mailing addresses of judges … kidding.)

The contest starts immediately, it ends on October 26, and the winner will be announced around November 9.

Let’s give a great big THANK YOU to Disney and The Proposal for being the inspiration behind this contest and this awesome opportunity for you guys. All together now: “Thank you Disney and The Proposal.”

Khloe Kardashian will be on The View Friday talking about the horrible separation anxiety that she’s been suffering since she had to travel to New York to co-host the talk show.  She hasn’t spent more than two nights away from her husband in their entire six-week relationship, guys!

Anyway, KK didn’t have a laptop so Lamar suggested that she grab a MacBook so they could iChat.  She went to buy one at 1 a.m. in Manhattan as a means of keeping in touch, since the phone is obviously too inconvenient.  I hope she enjoys that computer and I hope she remembers to add it to the prenup that they are still trying to draft.

Overall, they are still in the early days of dating where you just want to be in contact every second.  They are still learning so much about one another, such as their stances regarding politics, religion and child-rearing — all the topics that two people should discuss in the infancy of their relationship instead of say … china patterns.

I don’t know how long it’s going to take the public to get this, but nothing that Tila Tequila tweets should ever be taken seriously.  I guess you cannot ignore suicide threats no matter who they come from.  Last night, Tila threatened to take her own life yet followed up today with an explanation.

Last night’s Tweets:

“I am going to kill myself cuz I don’t want to life in a world where its filled with IGNORANCE! which majority of you ARE! & racists!”

“As dark descends into my world…I drown at night, without a fight. One last breath before I go. Dont mourn me world, I will die slow.”

A partial of today’s retraction which is too long to post in its entirety here:

I just wanted to take a moment to address all of my fans and the people I care about regarding my recent public suicidal meltdown online.  I don’t usually issue statements to address rumors, but since Suicide is a very serious subject, I felt that it is my responsibility to come clean and speak out about it, as emotional and personal as it is. I feel like it is still my duty to take responsibility for my own actions.  Sometimes I tend to forget that I am a public figure and with that, comes a lot of responsibility and suicide is not the type of message I want to send out.  I always want to make sure that I am sending out positive messages so I felt that it’s important for me to speak up this time.  If I continue to ignore this and pretend as though it never happened, then I failed myself and my fans.  This is not one of my proudest moments to be sitting here and explaining to the world something so emotional and personal, but I need to stop being selfish.  This is not one of my proudest moments to share with the world, but maybe it can help save someone else’s life who ends up reading this.

You can read the whole explanation here, but basically Tila claims to be suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome after last month’s brush with domestic violence.

Tila obviously needs some help and I hope she gets it.  Suicide is no laughing matter, but now she’s become the Little Ho Who Cried Wolf with all her past tweets claiming that her house was broken into, she was pregnant, she had to go to the emergency room because of hypoglycemia.  Therefore, when she’s faced with real life challenges such as physical abuse or suicidal thoughts, her credibility is shot at a time when she really needs assistance.  Incidentally, I do believe that all her prior false claims are a cry for help.

So, I’d like to put this out to Tila or anyone else reading that thinks they may be in trouble:  Talk.  Talk to a friend, family member, teacher, clergy.  Call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).  Just because you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t mean it isn’t there.