I don’t know who this kid is and I don’t care. Apparently he’s on Hannah Montana and also did a stint on Dancing with the Stars, neither of which are television shows I choose to use as a form of masochism. He got wasted at a nightclub in Orlando, and now there’s a whole spread about in in Star, because non-death celebrity news has been dreadfully slow since, oh, 2008. Apparently he was sloppy drunk — and an eyewitness suggests he may have been on drugs as well — and he was making out with chicks and letting them autograph his shirtless body.

Let me tell you something about these Disney kids: They don’t ever stand a chance. In order to be a talented child performer, you have to have something inside you that wants to be somewhere else at all times. And it has to be a powerful something. And when you combine that drive to escape from yourself with fame and money and attention, you are going to get a drug and alcohol problem. Every. Single. Time. I don’t even know why we bother to act surprised anymore.

One additional thing: This story will blow over and no one will talk about it again after tomorrow. Wanna know why? Because Cody Linley has a penis. If Miley Cyrus had pulled this shit the talking heads would be calling her a harlot and a terrible role model for the next six months.

“To be honest, I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything. I wear sunscreen, and I don’t smoke. I take care of myself. And I’m very proud to say that.”

Absorb this statement, really let it sink in.  Then jump.

(more…)

I’ve already been through this before.  After serving time for heading up an illegal dog-fighting ring, Michael Vick got a well-paying job.  Then he began to re-establish his relationship with Nike.  Of course, Nike denies they are paying Vick any money.  They are just providing him with free equipment which will be seen on television every week and will probably increase bottom line sales, but it’s not an endorsement deal.

Now BET is in on the action.  Vick will star in an eight-episode reality show that will document his life post-jail.  The network promises not to downplay his crime and conviction and the football player hopes that it will give the public an opportunity to get to know him better.

Here’s the question:  Do you feel any urge or desire to get to know Michael Vick better?

You may have heard that Beastie Boy Adam Yauch was diagnosed with salivary gland cancer this summer.  He’s taking some time off after returning from a seemingly restorative trip to India.  He emailed his fans about it:

i’m feeling healthy, strong and hopeful that i’ve beaten this thing, but of course time will tell. i’m taking tibetan medicine and at the recommendation of the tibetan doctors i’ve been eating a vegan/organic diet, which surprisingly enough was harder to do in india than it is now that i’m back home. here i can just shop for the right food and cook… a lot easier than depending on restaurants.
when i was in india i visited an ani gompa (a nunnery) called jamyang choling. they did a puja (religious ceremony) for me to help me get well. one nun said to me “we do prayers and then you are better.” so i’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Miley quit Twitter last night, giving up over one million followers, all because her new boyfriend told her to.  I can’t really believe this is news, but frighteningly enough, there’s 1.2 million devastated tweens out there right now.

Cyrus is reportedly dating her The Last Song costar, 19 year-old Liam Hemsworth.  Though their relationship may be new, he obviously already has control over her.  Her last Tweet read “FYI Liam doesn’t have a Twitter and he wants ME to delete mine with good reason.”  Really, Miley?  You’re quitting Twitter because a guy told you to?  Quit because it’s lame, quit because it doesn’t improve your life in any way, quit because you can’t stand to read stupid, aimless ramblings from the likes of Tila Tequila and John Mayer.  Don’t give up things you enjoy for some random dude.

Michael Lohan is busy blabbing to RadarOnline about Lindsay again.  Not really surprising since he doesn’t really have anything else to discuss.  Anyway, in his newest bid to solve all Lindsay’s problems — hey, I thought he was going to work with the LAPD to get LL’s stolen jewels back?? — he’s going to stage an intervention.

Now, I don’t know too much about interventions, though I did have a couple family members gently suggest that I turn off the CW if Mischa was really upsetting me to such an intense level, but are you supposed to let the addict know ahead of time that they’re about to be shipped off to rehab?

“I had a conversation with her, her mother and everyone…over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing things in a pretty public way,” Michael Lohan told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

“But Dina has got to get on the same page with me. It’s a serious situation. You can’t just talk about it and tell me that you want to do an intervention and then do nothing.”

Happily, Daddy Lohan finally admits to parenting through the press:  “When Lindsay doesn’t adhere or listen to what I say about serious situations, I feel I have to speak publicly to put pressure on her.  If she doesn’t take my advice and do what I say…the more pressure I put on her, the  more likely she is to eventually do the right thing.”

Good luck, Linds.  You’re going to need it — not just in overcoming your substance issues but also in finding a way to quit these waste-of-space parents you’ve been bestowed.