I’d like to thank my friends over at Celebitchy for actually watching the whole eight minutes of this video of ScarJo rehearsing and then performing on Ellen.  I could only manage 3.2 minutes before I started sprouting unnatural chest hairs.  Incidentally, Johansson giving Ellen a singing tutorial in the beginning is the most hysterical and ironic thing I’ve ever seen.  It’s like Ellen holding a seminar on how to suck a dick — it just doesn’t make any sense.  Teach what you know, Scar … teach what you know.

Anyway, Scar sang with Pete Yorn and thank you God for Pete Yorn.  He is vocally strong enough to drown out the braying strains of her, and that makes him pretty awesome in my book.

Jon and Kate were back in court yesterday trying to work out their financial woes with a court-appointed arbitrator.  Remember how Kate accused Jon of taking out a bunch of money and Jon accused Kate of taking a bunch of money and they both denied it?  Well the truth is out and the liar is — this is where you’d expect to hear a drum roll but I’m limited by this medium — Jon!

The court has ordered Jon — oh, did you hear that he’s half Jewish now that he’s dating Hailey Glassman? — to return $180,000 back to the Gosselin family coffers by October 26th.  Kate will also have to provide an accounting for $55,000 that she spent on family-related expenses.  Hell, 25K was probably spent on the kid’s therapy co-pays.  Oy.

“I could remember those two, especially those two people, treating me like the invisible guy.  Now look where they at.  Cheri Oteri, she can’t get arrested.  … That’s what happened to me over there.  They never treated me well.  I never cared for them either.  Fuck ‘em.”

Tracy Morgan’s “I Am The New Black” audiobook account of his days at Saturday Night Live and the treatment he received from Chris Kattan and Cheri Oteri.

It’s reassuring to see that nothing has changed while I was away.  Sure, Lindsay may have finally switched over to her lindsaylohan account name (and I don’t blame her for trying to distance herself from that other ID that forever linked her with that DayGlo spray tanner in a can, sevinnyne6126), but other than that, I see she’s still sharing her angst with the Twitterverse.

In today’s installment of Lindsanity, the actress laments the mutual but impossible love that she shares with Samantha Ronson.  Two star-crossed lovers who can’t be together due to Sam’s disapproving family — a family comprised of a Grammy-winning music exec and a well-established clothing designer who apparently “hate” Sam’s ability to work a turntable.  What’s a talentless, singer/actress/model/director/fashion consultant/fame whore/stalker to do?

At the Where the Wild Things Are premiere on Tuesday night in NYC. At least one of the wild things is on Blake’s dress. And there’s a rumor that three others are living in Taylor Momsen’s pubic hair, but Courtney Love is probably just saying that because she’s jealous.

Ri-Ri’s ass would get slammed in a spelling bee by Fergie. That bitch can spelling anything, even hard words like “glamorous,” and Rihanna can’t even spell “over.” That’s probably because she got hit in the head earlier this year. Rihanna took to her brand-new Twitter to announce her new album’s release date, stating “The Wait Is Ova. Nov 23 09.”

Glad you’re back on your feet, kiddo, and I’m looking forward to the album.