After years of watching the little Gosselin babies grow into resilient little children, the Jon & Kate Plus 8 disaster is over.

After Jon’s insistence that the children not be filmed any longer, TLC really wasn’t left with any choice but to cancel the show.  The last episode will air in November.  What does this mean?  No more constant “I do it for my kids, it’s all about my kids” crap from Kate, and Jon can officially breathe as loud as he wants to without fear of admonishment.

I guess Jon anticipates a healthy paycheck on the horizon to feed all those mouths that used to feed themselves.  We should all anticipate more stories about Jon catchin’ some brewskies with Michael Lohan while they ogle 17 year-olds.

Back in May I told you about some crazy “I don’t need a lawyer, I’m acting on my own behalf” chick who claimed that Keanu Reeves fathered at least one, if not all four, of her adult children.  Reeves said he had never met this potential baby mama.  Well, the results are in and the search must go on, because these kids are not fathered by Keanu.

If this was all unfolding on Maury, this is the point where Reeves would jump up out of his chair thus knocking it over, whilst simultaneously pumping his fist in the air and screaming, “I told you!  I told you!  I told you!  You ain’t nothin’ but a whore!  I told you!  I told you!”  And the mother would bury her face in her hands and cry, cry, cry.  Maury would sit and observe quietly and then gently offer to keep giving DNA tests to any other men until they were able to locate the father of her children.

Did I mention that I’ve started watching daytime television?  Not. Good.  Anyway, crazy lady is disputing the DNA results.  Apparently she knows something about the ol’ double helix that the rest of the universe doesn’t.  And her twenty-something kid needs to go tell all his friends that, despite the story he’s been told his entire life,  his father wasn’t on a speeding, out-of-control, bus.  It feels like the day I realized that my grandmother probably wasn’t really the first wife of Clark Gable.  Soooooooo embarrassing.

Ha ha ha I’d totally write something more but I’m laughing too hard at my own headline.

Okay but seriously people help me finish this sentence:

“Samantha Ronson secretly stayed with Lindsay Lohan in Singapore and ____________________ .”

Your imaginative responses go in the comments.

Oh, wait.

(At the London premiere of The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Also there: Cindy Crawford. Who also looks exactly like one of George Clooney’s girlfriends. But it’s not like he has a type.)

Can’t be stopped! Won’t be stopped! Britney Spears is running the show like the multi-orgasmic chick at the threesome. Which is totally what this single is about. Well, at least, it’s definitely about a threesome. The multi-orgasmic part might just be me projecting.

Brit-Brit’s latest single, “3,” hit the #1 spot on the Billboard charts in its debut week. It’s the first #1 Billboard debut since Taylor Hicks’ 2006 hit “Do I Make You Proud” and the first non-”American Idol” song to enter the chart at #1 in almost 11 years. That is some seriously impressive shit. I mean, YOU SAW WHAT IT DID FOR TAYLOR HICKS.

The track hails from Britney’s upcoming The Singles Collection, due out November 10. And I love this song. I love it like I love being the only chick at the threesome. Multi-orgasmic or not.

In perhaps her final act of pop culture relevance, angry scenester and occasional vocalist Avril Lavigne has filed to end her ill-advised marriage to Sum 41 guitarist Deryck Whibley. Let this be a lesson to all of you: Never marry someone who doesn’t know how to spell his own first name. The couple separated in late September, and Avril officially filed for divorce on October 9. They married in July 2006, when Avril was 22 years old, which is how I knew for sure that their love would last forever. Because wealthy and famous 22-year-olds know exactly what they’re going to want for the rest of their lives, and it’s always important for them to try hard to make their marriages work, because it’s not like they have anything to fall back on.

What makes this a particularly gleeful occasion for me (Side note: How hard does Glee rock? Sooo hard. It makes me realize that I probably would have loved High School Musical if I were like 10 years younger. I would totally buy a beach towel with Finn and Rachel on it.), is that back when Avril married this guy, and everyone was all like, “You are so dumb, this will never work,” she was all like, “Everyone else is dumb and this is going to work” and I was all like, “No, Avril, this going to work about as well as Aaliyah’s Cessna” and she was all like, “You’ll all feel silly in forty years when I’m still married to the punk guitarist with whom I shared life goals at the age of 22″ and now they’re getting a divorce. I win.

Oh, and Avril’s filing a motion to prevent him from seeking spousal support. I SMELL A SHITSTORM! AND IT SMELLS GOOOOOD!