“Couldn’t give it away.  That’s just good, Christian values, or, being homely.”

Tina Fey on last night’s Letterman, explaining that she couldn’t get anyone to have sex with her until she was 24 years old.

OMG, OMG, OMG!  I’m hyperventilating a little bit here.  If it was Star or The Enquirer or Perez Hilton publishing this shit, I would pay it no mind.  But, gasp … sigh … sob … People is reporting that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are “enjoying their friendship.”  Do you know what “enjoying their friendship” means?  It means that John Mayer is enjoying Jennifer’s low self-esteem and Jennifer is enjoying her standard doormat position.  It means that in three months I will be sentenced to a life of writing “John and Jen Split!” stories.  Don’t these people understand how much their bad relationship choices affect me?

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, when will you ever learn?  This guy is just not that into you.  Weren’t you in a movie of the same name?  Gah!

The original Fergie is about to turn 50, but unfortunately had to trash plans for a 300-guest bash.  The economy is hitting all of us hard and it’s being especially taxing (har, har) to the Duchess of York.

Fergie paid off a £4million debt she ran up after divorcing Andrew in 1996 by working for Wedgwood china and Weight Watchers in the US, but has lost both contracts.

The source said: “It feels like bankruptcy is a case of ‘when’ rather than ‘if’.

“If she doesn’t get her finances under control she will end up millions in debt again. Someone may have to bail her out. It is not the fact she is over-spending or even extravagant. Sarah’s problem is she has a big heart and can’t stop trying to help other people. She is always flying to places and the costs are mounting up.

“Given the amount of work she does for others she deserves to be happy.”

Last week we revealed the duchess, whose TV documentary on poor British families flopped, could face bankruptcy over a £17,000 bill to image consultant Richard Owen.

She has been taken to court by three firms in the past year over debts of £21,539.

Days ago, her New York media firm announced plans to shut with debts over £630,000.

Her spokesman said: “She will work through the situation.”

I wonder how bankruptcy works for royals.  Like, do they have to sell off a manse?  Cut down on some house staff?  Does the bank take possession of all tiaras?

Last night Pam walked the runway in a Richie Rich fashion show.  Sometimes, the pictures really do speak a thousand adjectives.  Here’s a start:

Alarming, bloodcurdling, chilling, creepy, eerie, hair-raising, horrendous, horrifying,intimidating, shocking, spine-chilling, spooky, unnerving, bizarre, crawly, frightening, ghostly, mysterious, scary,spectral, strange, supernatural, unearthly, weird.  Oh, and tan.  Really, really tan.

We were all surprised when the media reports claimed that cocaine contributed to Billy Mays’ death.  I couldn’t picture Mays as a dude with some big drug problem (though he was a little hyper) and was shocked when the coroner’s office cited it as a factor in his passing.

Well, there’s new news today.  As it turns out, the cocaine wasn’t used on the day of his death and didn’t cause him to die.  According to the medical examiner, Mays was an occasional cocaine user and didn’t use the drug in a chronic and life-threatening quantity.  This basically backs up Mays family’s claims.

I’m not really sure what the message is here:  Use cocaine just once in a while and it won’t kill you.  Enjoy!  Sniff …

Lindsay has finally explained that fuckfest of a fashion flop, better known as the Ungaro collection that she helped create.  As it turns out, she isn’t just some directionless “actress” who thought she could throw her name on a label and have it be successful — actually, that’s exactly the case — she just ran out of time.

That makes sense to me.  After all, when you’re pressed for time, churning out a collection of sequined and heart-shaped pasties, nipple tassels (though LL claims she didn’t know about those ahead of time) and ill-fitting, unimaginative frocks that make you the laughingstock of the fashion world seems to be the obvious action plan.  Fear not, though.  Ungaro is letting Linds fuck up another season’s worth of clothes.  “I am going back to Paris for the next collection….I am learning.  It’s already in January.  I thought it was in March.”