It all started a few weeks ago when Conan made a joke about Newark, New Jersey. It went a little something like this:

“The mayor of Newark, N.J. wants to set up a citywide program to improve residents’ health. The health care program would consist of… a bus ticket out of Newark.”

Har har. Standard Newark, N.J. joke material, right?

But the mayor of Newark, Cory Booker, responded by posting a video on his Twitter account announcing that Gingerclops had been “banned” from Newark Liberty International Airport. That prompted Conan to form “alliances” with Newark’s surrounding territories, and gain access to one segment of the airport that lies outside the Newark metro area. Which then prompted mayor Booker to extend the Conan ban to all of New Jersey (and parts of Ghana).

It all came to a head last night when Booker visited the tonight show. The two have made nice-nice by exchanging a few jokes, a few handshakes, and a few thousand dollars. O’Brien and NBC have donated $100,000 to Booker’s Newark Now charity.

Admittedly, the feud was facetious, and I feel sorry for the few Newark residents that took it seriously– not because they were duped, but because they live in Newark. (badum-ching!)

Whoever is doing PR for Cory Booker deserves a big bonus. The guy has almost a million followers on Twitter, and has made successful appearances on Real Time with Bill Maher, The Colbert Report, and now The Tonight Show. By becoming a “new media darling” he’s also managed to get the first positive press for Newark in my lifetime (and probably yours too). To quote one reporter, “The only time a Newark mayor made national headlines before Cory Booker was when they were indicted or went to jail.”

Madonna’s neighbor is suing her for playing her music too loudly and shaking the walls of the building with dancing. The building’s board has already threatened to evict Madge over the noise complaints.

At first I thought these neighbors should just pull the sticks out of their asses. If Madonna was my neighbor and she was throwing a party, I’d just make a nice deal with her that I get to show up and pound wheat grass kabbalahtinis with famous people in exchange for putting up with all the noise. “Accidentally” tossing half-digested wheat grass all over Jesus Luz would totally be worth the hassle.

But it turns out the noise isn’t coming from parties, but from rehearsal sessions. She’s been using her apartment as a rehearsal studio for at least 3 hours a day, which means that the loud music is of the start, stop, and repeat variety, and the shaking walls the result of hairless doods with sculpted thighs not landing their grand jetés properly.

Did I mention that the neighbor filing the lawsuit lives upstairs from Madge? That’s  some serious man-quad induced seismic activity.

American Idol winner Kris Allen performed at Seton High School in Ohio to recognize their accomplishment of raising $5,000 for breast cancer research.  He did an unplugged, acoustical version of Britney’s “Baby One More Time”.  Here’s the question:  Who did it better?

Like gas prices, I think we just need to accept that, where the Gosselin family is concerned, we can never go back.  There will never be a day where we pay under $2.00 for a gallon of fuel and there will never be a world in which we won’t be hearing about these people.  Ever.  So, I’m just going to report the newest because if I don’t, I get flooded with “How could you not write about …?” emails.  And they’re tiring.

Remember the babysitter, Stephanie Santoro, that was giving interviews that she had an affair with Jon?  I know there are so many of them — I get confused too! — but I wrote about it here.  Well, now she’s claiming that Jon told her he was hacking into Kate’s emails, phone records and banking.

Kate, in a statement, says she’s “disturbed” by Stephanie Santoro’s allegations. “Ms. Gosselin is carefully considering all of her legal options regarding this matter, and she will pursue them if and when the time is right,” said the statement released by Schnader Harrison Segal & Lewis, her Philadelphia law firm.

Jon, meanwhile, says Santoro is lying. “I spoke with him today concerning this statement made by Stephanie and he unequivocally told me that he’s never illegally invaded Kate’s electronic privacy in any way,” says his attorney, Mark Heller. “He also finds it a little disappointing that Kate would give credence to an uncorroborated statement made by an individual who clearly has a motivation to tell stories about Jon that might result in financial [compensation].”

You know this is going to end up back in court, right?  Everything regarding these two ends up in court.  It’s what they do.

As I mentioned earlier, Linds had a court appearance scheduled today so she could explain why she has missed a bunch of her substance abuse classes and counseling sessions.  Uh, helllllllllo your Honor?  LL can’t be expected to deal with her addiction.  She is far too busy crying on Sam Ron’s doorstep and sewing all those little sequins onto Ungaro’s pasties to deal with court-ordered actions.

This will be no shocker, but the judge gave Lohan another year of probation so that she’ll have the opportunity to miss more classes.  Oh, I mean make up missed classes.  Lindsay asked permission to go to New York next week for a charity function — can you imagine how busy her probation officer is, trying to keep track of all her travelling and potential violations?

If there is any silver lining, the district attorney has promised to throw LL in the slammer for another 84 minutes the next time she fucks up.

It’s 2009 and I’ve written two pieces in one week about blackface.  What is wrong with this picture?  And I ask that question in both a colloquial and literal manner.

The newest offender is French Vogue.  This month’s issue contains a 14-page spread of model Lara Stone appearing in blackface.  There is no reference to it in the text of the magazine.  Is this art?  Were they aiming for an ethnic look?  Why didn’t they just hire a black model?  I don’t have the answers and I don’t understand why this is still happening today.

Of course, I also just read about an interracial couple who was denied a marriage license in Louisiana yesterday.  Reason for denial?  To prevent any future children from having to suffer society’s prejudices.  Reminder:  It’s 2009.  Outrageous.