I don’t know if you’ve heard of the Spike TV Scream Awards. It bills itself as “honoring the best in fantasy, sci-fi, comics, and horror,” but that’s a load of crap because the winners are decided based on internet votes. And everyone knows the internet has great taste.

The awards show was taped yesterday in L.A. which means there was a lot of iconic media geekiness walking the red carpet. There was also a lot of terrible fashion. In particular, I’m personally disappointed in my girls Katee Sackhoff (Battlestar Galactica) and Kaley Cuoco (Big Bang Theory) for showing up looking like they should be working the register at The Limited… in 1992.

The awards show doesn’t air on Spike TV until Tuesday, October 27th. So, if you actually want to be surprised about who wins what…you’re probably not reading this site in the first place. But if you are, you should stop reading this post now.

The votes have been tallied, and who did the internet choose as the Best Sci-Fi Actress of 2009? Of course it was Megan Fox, that shining cudgel of brilliant Shakespearean acting ability, and tits. She won over Katee Sackhoff and Lena Headey (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles).

Isabel Lucas, who was on screen for a forgettable 5 minutes in the same shitty giant robot movie as Fox, won an award for Best Breakout Performance for playing a “sexy” robot who tries to seduce The Beef.

But before you go thinking the voters were all 15 year old boys who chose the award winners based on Google image search wankability, you should know that there are more than a few voters with vaginas out there who own a fair share of the blame. Twilight won Best Fantasy Film (in a category that also included Watchmen, Coraline, and the latest Harry Potter installment) and Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart won Best Fantasy Actor and Actress awards (other nominees in those categories included Brad Pitt & Hugh Jackman for Best Fantasy Actor and Emma Watson & Anna Friel for Best Fantasy Actress).

Whatever, internets. Whatever.

“My dad got a nose job so he could get drugs. I used my dad’s fucking tricks. I found a plastic surgeon and had collagen in my lips so he could give me painkillers. I looked fucking ridiculous.”

– Kelly Osbourne explaining how she learned more than just how to drop an F-bomb from dad Ozzy.

Cindy Crawford’s mole is one of those darling little “imperfections” that some super models manage to turn into their signature, even when everyone told them they should get it “fixed”– sort of like Lauren Hutton’s gap, or Naomi Campbell’s insanity.

But there may come a point in the near future when the mole is no more.

When she was a teenager, the mole was the size of the Tenneesee Titan’s chances of winning the Super Bowl this year. Over the years however, it’s grown into a larger brown bump that protrudes from the surface of the skin, and doctors are concerned that it could turn into cancer.

Crawford gets her suspect moles, facial and otherwise, monitored yearly to make sure none of them have turned malignant. Which is probably something we should all think about. Most of us (with insurance) are pretty good about getting yearly check-ups like pap smears and mammograms. But how many of us have a weird mole that’s never been looked at?

I haven’t watched any episodes of  Cougartown, mostly because I loathe the term “cougar.” I think it’s degrading and more than a little sexist. Plus, it just sounds gross to say… “Cougar.”

So my stomach churned at the show’s concept of “Haha, look at this woman who’s over 30 still trying to have a life and date doods and stuff, isn’t that funny?” Because everyone knows that when you hit 30, you’re supposed to shut your sex drive off and your vagina is not to be used unless you are either producing babies or smuggling drugs across the Mexican border.

But it looks like they might have some pretty good writers, who are treating the topic more maturely than I originally thought, and the previews for the show look amusing, so I might have to give it a shot and watch a few episodes, ageist and sexist stereotypes be damned.

Plus I like Courtney Cox, and she seems to be enjoying herself. Cox, Busy Phillips, and Eddie Jemison headed to Santa Monica Beach on Saturday to shoot scenes for the show. (I’d like to remind you that is a 45 year old in that bikini, looking better than I ever did at 18.)

The sweetest thing however is that all three actors brought their kids along– Coco, Birdie, and Daisy– and had family fun time in between takes.

Sherrif’s deputies dropped by the Heene house on Saturday and carried away several boxes and a computer– by hand, not in a balloon.

You all know the story by now: Falcon Heene’s brother, Three Wolves One Moon Heene, supposedly told his parents that Falcon had climbed inside a bag of giant floating jiffy pop. His parents called the cops, which led to a three hour chase involving lots of police, several news helicopters, and the national guard. When the balloon came down,  everyone expected to find a little boy waiting inside like a crappy temporary tattoo in a box of crackerjacks. But there was nothing, because Falcon had been hiding in the attic over his garage the entire time.

Maybe it was the way the kid stood there looking shocked and bored rather than guilty after he was “recovered”. Maybe it was the fact that the hole he was hiding in looked impossible for a 6 year old to climb into unassisted. Maybe it was the overt, forced emotion on the part of the parents, or the dad’s haircut that just screams “Don’t believe a single fucking word I say,” but, I’m not surprised that charges have been filed.

Sheriff Jim Alderden – who won’t say who would be charged – told reporters: “We were looking at Class 3 misdemeanor, which hardly seems serious enough given the circumstances. We are talking to the district attorney, federal officials to see if perhaps there aren’t additional federal charges that are appropriate in this circumstance.”

Asked if it was hoax, Alderden said, “We have made progress and you guys can read between the lines about what we found.”

The recommended charges would include conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and false reporting to authorities.

And it turns out the cops weren’t just being gullible– smart people who are good with math worked it out and confirmed that the device would have been capable of supporting the kid’s weight.

If I were really hackneyed and wrote articles for E! Online, the lead-in for this story might go a little something like this:

Oh no she didn’t!

Kiddie superstar Miley Cyrus was seen wearing the same dress as sexy Samantha on the set of the Sex and the City 2 movie. Talk about a cat fight! It’s the kitten versus the cougar! Me-ow!

Thankfully, I don’t write for them, and you don’t have to endure trash like that. I’m also not going to divulge the plot points surrounding this scene and ruin part of the movie for you, but feel free to guess.  So much has been leaked about this movie, I’m starting to feel like I don’t even need to go see it because I’ve already the entire story in gossip website articles.

I’ll just say this: Samantha wears it better.