Justin Timberlake is visiting Jessica Biel while she is on location in Vancouver to film the A-Team movie.  Naturally, all the media outlets are reporting that Timberlake and Biel are still together or back together.  I just don’t see it that way.

They went to lunch at The Naan with a friend.  Upon leaving, Justin spent most of his time talking on his cell whilst Jessica pouted.  When he finally hung up, she clipped on to him like one of those little koala bears we used to put on our pencils.

I don’t know why Jess thinks she’s Justin’s girlfriend; according to his family, he’s single and always has been.  His grandmother puts it like this:  ”Jessica was keen to marry, but Justin isn’t ready.  He’s busy writing new material and he works hard to be successful — he’s really focused on that. As far as we’re concerned, he’s always been single. The girlfriends come and go, but we believe nothing has ever been serious.  Justin does his own thing and he isn’t ready to marry just yet.”

I’ve been buzzing about it all week on my Twitter (and you would have gotten a sneak preview if you followed me on Twitter!), but as a final thank you to Carmex for keeping this website in business another month, we did a rap video about their latest product, Carmex Moisture Plus. My cohorts here were Staci Parlari (you can catch her on Twitter here) and total hottie Guy Borgford (on Twitter here). I also have to give a major shout-out to Laremy Legel at Film.com for taking all the video (his Twitter? Is here.) We had SO MUCH FUN putting this together, and we hope you guys get a laugh out of it.

In all seriousness, though, we’ve had like a million little Carmex Moisture Plus applicators hanging around the office for the better part of the month courtesy of their PR team, and everyone keeps picking them up and using them and being like, “Oh, hey, is this the product we’re promoting this month? Wow. I really like this stuff. Can I keep this one?” So there ya go. Genuine endorsement. We like the product. We liked it so much we rapped. Enjoy.

I’m really praying this isn’t true.  My true hope is that the reporters over at the Enquirer sat around a table and said “Hey, wouldn’t it be something if Dave Letterman was caught on a security camera having sex with one of his employees?  That sounds like a good story.  Let’s run with it!”  Actually, let’s assume that is exactly what happened.  Here’s what they came up with:

A studio surveillance tape reportedly caught the 62-year-old star and a much-younger female co-worker in a compromising position – and it could shatter Letterman’s already troubled marriage, say sources.

What’s more, the tape could persuade worried CBS execs to hammer the final nail into the talk-show host’s late-night career – and could play a key role in the trial of the producer who allegedly tried to blackmail him.

“If the tape makes its way into the criminal case, it’ll explode his marriage to smithereens,” revealed a close source.

“It’s one thing for him to have publicly admitted to having had sexual relations with some women on his staff. It’s another to see him in the throes of passion with one of those women.

“Dave apparently didn’t know the location of the security cameras at his Late Show studio.”

I report celebrity gossip for a living.  I’ve been exposed to a lot of trauma-inducing images — things that no human should ever have to see.  I’ve witnessed everything from a Julia Roberts nip slip to Samantha Ronson in a dress.  However, there is no therapy, no prescription, no anything that can prepare me for or help me recover from a Dave Letterman sex tape.  It would be life-changing in the really bad, rocking back and forth in the corner kind of way.

Two days ago Rihanna released “Russian Roulette” and the public speculated on its meaning.  Does Rihanna think that staying involved with Chris Brown is like a dangerous game of chance?  And does she feel that she has no choice but to stay in that game?  Or is she just really irresponsible with firearms?  Oh. The. Questions.

Chris Brown has thrown subtlety out the window by going all vomit-inducing Peabo Bryson on our asses.  Today he released “Crawl” which is clearly a song about his desire to rebuild his relationship with Rihanna.  I’ve listed the lyrics below, but in a nutshell it goes like this:  ”I know I beat the fuck out of you, but I was wondering if you’d be open to getting back together.  ’Cuz we can crawl back to love even though I’m the one who beat the fuck out of you.  So, what do you say?”

Now, I don’t know about you, but the line “Love, can you see my hand?” sends chills up my spine.  Yeah, Chris we all see your hand and exactly what damage it’s capable of inflicting.

Everybody see’s it’s you
I’m the one that lost the view
Everybody says we’re through
I hope you hadn’t said it too

So where
Do we go from here
With all this fear in our eyes
And where
Can love take us now
We’ve been so far down
We can still touch the sky

[Chorus]
If we crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we’ll run
Until we’re strong enough to jump
Then we’ll fly
Until there is no wind
So lets crawl, crawl, crawwl
Back to love, Yeah
Back to love, Yeah

[Verse 2]
Why did I change the pace
Hearts were never mean’t to race
I always felt the need for space
But now I can’t reach your face
So where
Are you standing now
Are you in the crowd of my vouch
Love, can you see my hand?
I need one more chance
We can still have it all

[Chorus]
If we crawl(if we crawl)
Till we can walk again
Then we’ll run (then we’ll run)
Until we’re strong enough to jump
Then we’ll fly
Until there is no wind
So lets crawl, crawl, crawwl
Back to love, Yeah
Back to love, yeaaah

[Bridge]
Everybody see’s it’s you
Well I never wanna lose that view

[Chorus]
So we’ll crawl (if we crawl)
Till we can walk again
Then we’ll run (we’ll run)
Until we’re strong enough to jump
Then we’ll fly
Until there is no wind
So lets crawl, crawl, crawwl

So we’ll crawl (ooh)
Till we can walk again (till we can walk again)
Then we’ll run (we’ll run)
Until we’re strong enough to jump (until we’re strong enough to jump)
Then we’ll fly (then we’ll fly)
Until there is no wind
So let’s crawl, let’s crawl, lets crawl
Back to love
Back to love yeah
Back to love

Early this morning Dennis Quaid and his wife and some obnoxious friend left West Hollywood’s Phillipe restaurant and were greeted by a swarm of paparazzi at the valet station.  That’s par for the course, but what isn’t ordinary is that Quaid was stopped by a police officer after driving less than a foot.  The cop warned Quaid, who was apparently in no condition to drive, that he needed to stop his car immediately.  Dennis agreed and asked if he could go back into the restaurant — terms the officer agreed to.  Quaid, wife, and obnoxious friend filed back into Phillipe and called a cab which presumably brought them safely home.

Now, here’s the thing:  In Normal World, if you were drunk and got behind the wheel of a car with the intention of operating that vehicle, you’d be arrested.  You don’t get to negotiate a workable solution.  In Hollywood, you get a heads-up and a second chance to do the right thing.  Just. No. Consequences.

You can watch a video of the whole chain of events as they unfolded, here.

The John Travolta extortion trial — an ambulance driver and his lawyer tried to extort $25M from the Travolta family in connection with their son Jett’s death — in the Bahamas lasted a month and went to jury deliberations yesterday.  Shortly afterwards, the judge called a mistrial alleging possible juror misconduct.  Apparently, a local politician made a televised speech in which he said the defendants had been acquitted.  This isn’t good.

So, new trial.  Everyone will have to go through the pain and anguish of testifying again in hopes of attaining justice.