I want you to look at Paris Hilton’s breasts here and I want you to tell me them that they are real. I want you to look me in the face and do it so I can call you a liar. Look at them! There is no way that that’s the handy work of a push up bra. She didn’t have that much to push up. Are we to forget that we’ve seen her naked? These photos are by far the most proof I’ve seen of her rumored boob job. At one point Paris Hilton was a major advocate of tiny chests and I loved her for it because, well, I look like a twelve year old boy with my shirt off, but she’s quite clearly changed her stance on the issue of breast augmentation. She looks like her boyfriend’s sister now.

Vanessa Carlton had a job up until today. That’s the good news. The bad news is that she is now unemployed like pretty much everyone else right now. No, she wasn’t laid off from her singing gig due to company downsizing. She dropped the f-bomb while performing during the EPCOT’s Food and Wine Festival ‘Beats and Eats’ Concert series. Yeesh. That’s gotta be rough.

Carlton slipped up during her first of three performances scheduled for today. Obviously she was warned by Disney brass to watch her mouth because there aren’t supposed to be a whole lot of four letter words at the happiest place on earth. She made it all the way through her second set without a problem, but during her third performance of the day, it must have slipped her mind because she swore again.

Disney promptly asked her not to return and is instead replacing her with a local band.

Well, her soon to be ex husband Deryck Whibley has already moved on to making out with chick in tattoo parlors, so I guess it makes sense that Avril would move on to someone new, too. But while Deryck Whibley is out hooking with some Hollywood scene queen, she’s moving in with a former Hollywood kinda sorta somebody with a big greasy face. Yeah, Brandon Davis. A refresher for those of you who’ve had the pleasure of forgetting: he’s the one who hangs out with Paris and Co. and famously called Lindsay Lohan poor for only having seven mil. and then brilliantly called her a firecrotch to TMZ cameras.

The two supposedly have been seeing each other since the split, but their move in seems more recession-friendly than serious. From Hollyscoop: “Avril is selling her home where she lived with Deryck, while Brandon still lives in his family’s Bel-Air mansion….They both needed a place to live, so they decided to move in together.”

This is the first woman that Brandon has ever lived with and Avril isn’t even divorced yet, so I don’t anticipate this relationship going anywhere. I actually, deep down, genuinely feel that eventually one of them is going to wind up stabbing the other in a coke-fueled rage. I think this is probably a massive mistake, but they didn’t ask me so whatever…

Rachel J. Lee, a 19 year old from Calabasas, CA, along with several of her girlfriends, has been arrested for breaking in to and then looting the closets of several celebrity homes in the past year. Lindsay Lohan, Audrina Patridge, Paris Hilton , Orlando Bloom and Kourtney Kardashian have all had similar break-ins occur at their houses– there were no electronics stolen (which is usually the first thing a burglar would grab), mainly clothing, jewelry and handbags. Not exactly the most lucrative loot jobs, basically.

This isn’t the first time Lee’s been motivated to break the law for vanity sake either. A couple years ago she was caught shoplifting from Sephora. OK, so that’s a little different than finding someone’s home via star maps and the internet and then checking their appearance schedule to best guess what time they’d be out of the house and then breaking in and stealing all their clothes, but there’s a theme here. Also, it probably doesn’t do Rachel a whole lot of good that she’s high school pals with the man formally charged with the Lohan and Patridge burglaries.

It kinda makes me sad to think about these girls so desperate to dress like a celebrity that they actually steal their clothing. The materialism disgusts me. What’s wrong with some $24 shoes from T.J. Maxx and a Hanes v-neck and the jeans with the tiny hole ripped in the ass because you’ve had them for so long? These girls are 18 and 19 years old, they should be running around topless, celebrating their young bodies and free minds. But no! They’re taking the easy way out and breaking in to multi-million dollar homes owned by celebrities they admire and stealing their t-shirts and headbands. Teenagers are so bad these days, you guys. I can’t handle it. They should be at the beach.

Molls told us yesterday about Jodie Sweetin’s new book “Unsweetined” in which she tells of getting drunk at Candace Cameron’s wedding.  You may think the most obvious question is “Where were her parents?” but for me, it’s “Candace Cameron didn’t have a dry wedding?”

In the most recent and riveting release of information, Sweetin admits that she was drinking and doing coke when she was on her sobriety lecture tour.  Yep, she was doing appearances and giving speeches touting the benefits of sobriety and getting paid for it.  Preaching a clean life as a means to fund your habit — not good.

The relapse started one day, just a few months after my GMA spot, when I got a random phone call from a friend who I used with and who occasionally sold me drugs. I invited her to my place. I was in an apartment at the time. I knew it was a really bad idea to invite her over but I wanted to test myself, I guess. We hung out, played cards. I told her I hadn’t done meth in a while. One thing led to another and just like that, I was back.

She also talked about giving a speech at a university just a few minutes after getting high:

I was living a complete lie. But unfortunately, guilt doesn’t make you stop. I talked about growing up on television and about how great my life was now that I was sober… The little bit of coke that I had done before the speech wasn’t enough to make me forget how bad I felt for doing what I was doing. The guilt was eating away at me. I was struggling to keep it together, but no one realized that. I finished. They applauded. Standing ovation. Just how I liked it. And it was over.

Sweetin admits she returned to her room tired but made time for one more hit. “I was just so tired. Tired of lying. Tired of pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. I took a deep breath and walked out of the lecture hall. I went back to my hotel room and buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t keep doing this. It had to end.But not today. I wiped away the tears and finished the baggie of coke.

Can we all just agree that addiction sucks?

The movie studio has released another New Moon clip in anticipation of its November 20th premiere.  By now you all know that I don’t do the whole vampire thing, but after a bit of tiresome fang research I’ve learned that this clip features the Volturi.  If I’ve understood correctly, a “volturi” is a coven of vampires.  See the things I do for you?