Well, it didn’t take Samantha Burke long to whore out some photos of her daughter Sophia, the product of a short-lived tryst with Jude Law.  In a way, isn’t it lovely that Burke agreed to appear on the cover of Hello! magazine to the tune of more than a quarter of a million dollars?  Jude hasn’t met his daughter yet, so this is a good way for him to get a gander at the child.  When asked about plans for Law to meet Sophia, Burke replied “There are no plans for it to happen at the moment, but I know he’s busy.”

They just got engaged in July after Ivanka’s conversion to Judaism, and now Ivanka Trump is the proud and happy wife of Jared Kushner.

Trump married her super-rich guy (he owns the New York Observer) Sunday at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey.  As an aside, I was reading up on the Kushner family this morning.  The groom’s father, Charles, was released from jail in August 2006 after serving less than two years for tax evasion and intimidating witnesses.  One of those FBI witnesses was his sister’s husband.  Charles hired a prostitute to seduce his brother-in-law.  He videotaped the whole event and sent the tape to his sister.  Nice. Guy.

Anyway, the fete was your basic low-key  Trump affair with a Vera Wang dress, 500 guests, Regis Philbin singing and though it hasn’t been reported as such, let’s assume Ivana was there with a 24 year old on her arm.  Good luck, kids!  Hope you both signed a serious prenup.

Noah Cryus wore what looks like a cut-down version of a Fredericks Of Hollywood teddy, some knee-high boots and bright red lipstick to a Halloween party over the weekend. This isn’t the first time the nine year old girl has been dressed wayyyyy too sexy for her age. She and her BFF cousin Emily also walked a red carpet in swimsuits earlier this year. It doesn’t help that the girls make over-sexualized, flirty eyes at the camera. Whatever innocence could be used to defend these trashy costumes is immediately made irrelevant when you see how very aware these girls are of what they are “supposed” to be imitating.

If I were to imagine how this came about, I would think that, like most children, Noah put in a costume request to her mom and they went shopping together and picked this out. Well, probably more like mom put in a call to a stylist who brought over several options and the two of them agreed upon this one. That right there is the problem. At least four more inches of fabric need to be on that costume, and Tish Cryus should not only recognize, but demand that her daughter pick something more suitable. That’s the way these things work. That’s how you ensure that your daughter doesn’t dress like this every day by the time she’s 14. Not to mention the absolutely miserable message this sends to girls who are fans of Miley and see that her sister dresses like this, allowing to think that on any planet, anywhere that this is an appropriate way for a young girl to dress.

Tobey Maguire, his wife Jennifer and their kids went to Mr. Bone’s Pumpkin Patch in Los Angeles today (and thankfully this fucking Halloween bullshit will be over before we know it because I’ve about had it up to here with looking at pictures of famous people and their dumb babies picking out pumpkins.) They looked like a normal family (except of course for the fact that they were being photographed the whole time), down to dad awkwardly pushing a huge stoller and their little girl picking her nose and pouting. Really, what’s more American than that?

Sandra Bullock is not commonly associated with porn stars, but America’s Sweetheart is taking on one in court over a child custody battle!

Sandy’s husband, Jesse James, was married to 40 year old porn star Janine Lindenmulder and had a baby with her. The baby is now a little girl, Janine just finished up a prison stint for tax evasion and is spending time in a half way house, and Jesse is married to Sandra Bullock. It’s important to note that Janine’s ability to mother her daughter is not just marred by her career choice, she’s also a downright irresponsible person. After serving her time in Oregon, Janine met and immediately married someone she met at her halfway house who has a pretty nasty criminal record.

On top of that, Janine already let go of Sunny once. In a furious text message to her ex sent from prison (they can text in prison?) Janine said “U win. Sandra finally has her baby — congratulations.” Yeah, because that’s the kind of competition everyone wants to win, right?

Where things stand now, Jesse has nearly full custody of his little girl, but if Janine has any say that will change. Currently, the only times she’s allowed to see her daughter are on Sundays from 10 AM-4 PM. That’s not a whole lot, but it certainly sounds like anyone would be a better parent for this little girl, especially a wealthy film star who has the time and money to take care of her.

Katy Perry hosted her 25th birthday bash at Sunset Beach last night and amongst the guests were her boyf Russell Brand, Taylor Swift and JoJo… oh, and many Oompa Loompas. Katy’s theme was a white party with Willy Wonka overtones and the guests left with their pristine frocks covered in multi-colored paint. Who knows what went on in there, but it looks fun.