Anne Heche is willing to pay someone $375 an hour to do what most divorced and single parents have to do on their own, for free, every day.  Anne Heche and her ex-husband Coley Laffoon have agreed to hire a parenting plan coordinator.  ”What is a parenting plan coordinator?” you ask.  It’s exactly as it sounds.  This ridiculously paid person will help in coaching the two of these idiots on how to co-parent.  He or she will help resolve conflicts that arise between the exes.

I wonder how little Homer — they should have hired an infant naming specialist about seven years ago — will feel when he grows up and realizes that his parents had to pay a professional to facilitate scheduling a play date?

I’ll talk about this after the jump as to not spoil it for our friends who still have the finale on Tivo.

(more…)

The Monkees’ Davy Jones married his post-mid-life crisis August 30th at her parent’s home in Miami.

The singer and actor is 63 years old and his new bride is 32.  None of his children nor his former Monkees bandmates attended the ceremony.  Age is the least of his worries.  Turns out, his new wife, Jessica Pacheco, likes to beat the shit out of him.

“Davy admits Jessica’s violent with him, but she’s drop-dead gorgeous and has clearly captivated him,” said a source who eyewitness-ed her hitting him. “He says, ‘It’s my life. I don’t want to be alone.’”

Exploding in a fiery rage, Jessica had “punched, scratched, kicked and bruised Davy,” explained the eyewitness.

“She’s thrown things at him. I’ve seen the cuts, seen the injuries.  And he never hits her back. He’s just the nicest guy.

“I have a journal she wrote, confessing to beating him. I’m keeping it to give to the police in case she kills him. She once cracked his rib with her shoe.”

Conditions had gotten so bad that Davy’s four daughters recently planned to “rescue” him from her, said the pal. But it never took place because the on-again, off-again pair temporarily split up for six months but then Davy shocked everyone with the sudden wedding announcement.

The pal fears Davy has closed his eyes to danger.

“During a cruise,” said the friend, Jessica exploded over an imagined slight “and got so psycho,  people had to hold her down.”

Why is it that the public reacts so strongly to a woman suffering at the hands of a physical abuser, but not a man?  I think there’s a perception that men are physically stronger, more able to defend themselves.  There’s no real defense for a bullet, however.  Davy could end up dead at the hands of this chick.  I hope he gets out … and soon.

I am frightened to admit just how much conversation Kate Gosselin’s new hairdo seems to be generating on the Internet.

Kate was a guest host on The View yesterday and today.  Today, it appears that the stylist decided to whack Kate’s head with a curling iron, tame down the back, take the charms off her hoop earrings and call it a “makeover”.

So, um, what do you think of Kate’s “makeover”?  And since her kids met daddy’s girlfriend over the weekend, maybe it’s time to take off the wedding ring.

I don’t know why these sports stories can’t break when Kelly is working, but this one is pretty straightforward — no sports knowledge needed.

Michael Vick, the quarterback who was recently released from prison for illegal dogfighting, has been put on the roster for the Philadelphia Eagles.  He was on their exempt list, but now is allowed to practice with and play for the team.  Hey, he did apologize!  Of course, bringing Vick in meant someone had to go.  Who got the boot?  Kendra Wilkinson’s husband, Hank Baskett!

What will Hank and Kendra do with a baby on the way?  Will Hank get picked up by another team?  How will Kendra handle this stress in the final months of her pregnancy?  Did she do that stupid laugh when she heard the news?  We gotta pray that Kendra stays on the air so we can get all these questions (and more!) answered.

I have to tell you, I’m not getting the warm fuzzies about Bruce Willis’ new marriage to Emma Heming.  Sure, they were willing to do a bit of S & M for a price, but I was flipping through recent pics of the couple (because I want to tell you about how horrible Bruce treated a fan at Fashion Week) and the body language is not good between these two.  Sometimes, couples just strike an unfortunate pose.  Almost every single picture of them at fashion week consists of Bruce with is arms and/or legs firmly crossed, or hands in pockets pulling away and his wife hanging onto him for dear life.

Now, about Bruce’s temper:  The other day, the actor was having some cocktails — I’m sure they were Seagram’s wine coolers — with his wife in the VIP Lounge prior to attending the Erin Wasson show.  Female fans were taking pictures of him with their camera phones and he seemed okay with that, smiling for the photos.  Then one woman made the epic error of poking him in the shoulder to get his attention.  Oopsie!  Blow Hard got angry, leaned in close and stuck a finger in the woman’s face and said, “Don’t you ever touch me, understand?”

I’m sure it’s a scary time to be a celebrity and he obviously doesn’t want to be touched by the masses. There are so many whack jobs out there; he didn’t know that it wasn’t Mischa Barton trying to suck out his essence.  Anything is possible.

After he left the fan speechless, he stormed off and tried to hide his drink up his sleeve to avoid the paps getting a picture.  And his wife?  She continued to cling to his arm.