It must have been a slow summer because it seems like a lot of people are knocked up even if they aren’t admitting it cough*HalleBerry*cough.  Here’s the list of this week’s admittedly D-List sperminated:

Jenna Elfman is expecting her second child with musician husband Bhodi.  This new addition will join their 2 year old son, Story.  Possible names?  Essay or Novel.

Leelee Sobieski, the one who claims to be the only true virgin to ever portray Joan of Arc, is also anticipating her first with fiance Adam Kimmel.  So much for that whole virginity racket!  She’s due in December.

Chris Robinson of The Black Crowes and former beau to Kate Hudson is awaiting the arrival of his first child with his girlfriend Allison Bridges.  He’s also dad to Ryder, his son with Hudson.  Possible name?  U-Haul.

Colin Farrell announced that his girlfriend Alicja Bachleda is with child.  She’s 26, hot and they started dating at the beginning of the year.

And to totally scrape the proverbial barrel, Bo Bice’s wife is pregnant with their third son early next year.

And it’s not like we really give a fuck about any of these people, but are you impressed with how many different ways I found to say “knocked up”?

The always controversial Bill Maher made a statement with a ridiculously unpopular sentiment about the Tila Tequila domestic violence case on his show Sunday night that’s just now being picked up by lots and lots o’ gossip sites. Why would we leave you out on the scoop?

Maher, during the “New Rules” section of his show Real Time With Bill Maher, made the following comment about Tila’s claim that Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman assaulted her.

“New rule: stop acting surprised someone choked Tila Tequila! The surprise is that someone hasn’t choked this bitch sooner.”

Um, nice. While Merriman has been cleared of all charges due to zero evidence that any altercation even happened, it’s typically quite frowned upon to say that any woman has any violence coming to her. While we all may know Tila is a lying skank, there’s no reason to fuel the ignorant fire of all those people out there who manage to justify domestic violence by saying that the abused party was asking for it, male or female. No one, ever, deserves that behavior under any circumstances. That’d be why it’s illegal.

Even though she murdered herself on stage the other night at the VMAs and then later dressed like the abominable snowman, Lady Gaga has now decided that she’s not going to answer certain questions in interviews. What kind of questions? Well, mainly those about her weenis. You know, her weenis. The one that we’ve all seen all over the Internets.

Apparently now she so can’t be bothered to answer questions about the subject of whether or not she’s a hermie that she had a German reporter booted from a recent press conference for daring to get to the bottom of things. Collien Fernandes from the Viva, which I guess is some popular German-based network, was the one who asked the question we were all wondering by saying to the diva, “I love your Marc Jacobs outfit, you look great. I do have one question for you though – have you got a penis or not?” I mean, that’s not that bad, right? At least he softened the blow with a compliment.

GaGa immediately had the reporter removed, and when speaking to the cameras later he said “I don’t really understand the fuss. It’s obvious someone would ask her this question after the picture was all over the news,” and I couldn’t agree more that the question was not only completely in-line, but it’s what everyone wants to know. Perhaps Gaga wants to leave this mystery just that for as long as possible in order to keep her name in the papers?

You may not have noticed, but I’ve been trying to spare you the Gosselin stories.  At this point, I write about one out of every 12 I read.  You. Are. Welcome.  I know we’re all sick of these fame whores, but certainly you want to hear about how Jon fucked the nanny!  Especially since she confesses that the sex was romantic, but she wasn’t into the “pleasure”part of it, which we all know is code for “needle dick”.

Stephanie Santoro is a 23-year-old single mother who worked as a nanny for the Gosselins for a month.  According to the interview she gave to InTouch magazine, she was a body to lay on shoulder to lean on when Jon and Hailey Glassman had one of their famous breakups.  She also talked about being on the receiving end of — no, not an STD — one of the most cliched come-ons ever uttered:

We were talking on the phone one night, and the kids were all at home, and he was like, “What are you doing tonight?” and I didn’t have plans. So he goes, “Let’s hang out. We can go hang out in the hot tub and talk more about everything.” So I went over, and we were talking. He asked me if I could give a back massage, and I was like, “Okay, whatever.” So I gave him one and then he was like, “my turn.” While we were sitting there, he said, “Well, I guess we can kiss just once.” At one point he said, “Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with me, because it’s going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you.”

During their nine sex sessions “It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t the best I ever had.” — they talked about a future and he promised to take care of Santoro and her daughter.  And since Santoro now has a story to sell to the tabs, I guess in some perverse way he did.

As an aside, remember a few weeks ago when Kate went all fucknutso on Jon and the cops showed up?  Kate was upset because Jon had a “non-approved” babysitter at the house.  Is there any doubt that it was this chick?  And while we’re betting, how much do you want to bet Kate will be having her hot tub removed?

Well, my Internet has been out on and off all day.  Frustrating, aggravating, downright infuriating.  Normally, I’d be plucking the legs off of small children bugs by now, but not today folks, not today.  Let me tell you the good news:  Not only is today Chris Brown’s first day of community service, it’s also the premiere of The Beautiful Life.

On day one of his six-month assignment, Chris got to work in a police horse stable in Virginia today!  Will half a year of picking up shit make Chris Brown a better man?  Probably not.  Will half a year of picking up shit bring me pure and unadulterated joy?  Absolutely, yes.  Let’s pray for a freakish autumn heat wave, shall we?

Speaking of horseshit, tonight is the CW’s premiere of The Beautiful Life.  I will be watching intently and I know all seven of you will be, too.  I heard that Elle McPherson’s acting is shit — do you see a theme here? — but who really cares when Mischa is on the screen?  She makes everything better.  She’s the shit salve.  Sorry, folks.  I have to get it all out of my system now because how many episodes do you really think I’ll get to trash before this shit show goes the way of Secret Talents of the Stars?

“My temper is ridiculously bad.  I’ve had to say to Brian, ‘You have to go and stop talking to me, because I’m going to kill you. I’m going to stab you with something, please leave.’  I’d never own a gun for that reason.  I wouldn’t shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure.”

The always charming and stable Megan Fox in a Rolling Stones interview, talking about her on-again boyfriend Brian Austin Green and how she’d like to shoot him.