We’re going to start seeing a lot less of Kevin Federline, but not in the way we hoped.  He hasn’t decided to move out of Hollywood and buy a Sonic franchise in North Carolina and he isn’t moving to Japan to pursue his “singing career”.

Kev has signed on to participate in Celebrity Fat Fit Club on VH1.  I don’t know what’s up with this dude — the first three letters of his last name might lend a clue — but look at the difference in just two years!  I’ve got the before and after pics in the gallery.

Kevin Feedbag will be joining Nicole Eggert, Bobby Brown and his other ex, Shar Jackson.

Two photogs who were at a post-wedding party of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have finally sent a gift along — a lawsuit.

Yuri Cotes and Rolando Aviles were pursued by the wedding couple’s security when they took unauthorized pictures of the party and then refused to turn over their cameras.  Talk about a loss of perspective — Tom and Gisele’s security guards shot at the paps’ car and allegedly came close to shooting them.  They shot guns over pictures and now the happy couple is being sued for $1M.

It takes some gall to crash a party and then sue that the conditions weren’t safe, but it seems so much more incredible that the security guards weren’t arrested for their irresponsible actions.  Let’s hope Tom keeps throwing TDs.  He’s gonna need that paycheck!

It was only yesterday that I told you that, according to her friends, Jessica Simpson was in a tailspin over the presumed death of her Malti-Poo, Daisy.  The reports were claiming that she wouldn’t leave her parents house and I had visions of her curled up, existing solely on Slim Jims and mojitos.  It seems that she’s doing better than all that.

Jessica was seen today looking happy and healthy at Heathrow Airport in London, smiling (though who knows what pain lies behind those drink coaster sunglasses?), and with one less bag to carry (too soon?).

Dear Mom,

You’ve been in the news quite a bit lately considering your biggest claim to fame is being the Noxema girl.  It all started a few years ago when you hit and killed a 9 year old and never served any time.  You were lucky, especially considering the fact that your cell phone was the cause of your distraction.  More recently, some really boring (non) sex tape was released.  I hope to never see you and Dad like that again.  Traumatizing!  And now, you are anticipating my arrival into the world in just a few short months.

I’m not just writing to catch up.  There’s a reason for my letter.  I know that accidents happen, and I don’t believe that you intended to kill little Jorge Cruz, Jr., but you did.  Therefore, the rest of your life should be about you dedicating yourself to doing good for others.  You cannot replace him, but there are so many great things you can do to make this world a better place in his memory.

For example, I want you to respect life, especially mine.  I’m here and trying to grow my major organ systems and I have high hopes for my brain development, but some days it’s really hard to breathe.  Please, stop smoking so I’ll have a chance at a healthy birth weight, fully developed lungs and an asthma-free life.  I am your second chance.  Don’t fuck it up.

Love,

Fetus

Last week, InTouch printed an article suggesting that Lindsay Lohan may have been involved in the home invasion she suffered last month.  You know, the one where Michael Lohan was flying to LA to get to the bottom of everything?  We never heard from him again, did we?  So, here’s the picture of the burglar compared with a picture of LL which I don’t think proves anything.  Anyone can wear a crappy hoodie with crappy hair extensions and touch their head.  Anyone can steal $2M in jewels that Lindsay just happened to be under suspicion for taking.  However …

An arrest was made in the case.  Nick Prugo, 18, was arrested for burglarizing her house.  (He was also arrested in February for cocaine possession.)  He’s a friend of Lindsay’s.  According to a TMZ source, he was seen on set while she was filming Labor Pains at least 10 times.

Linds, Linds, Linds.  Can’t you just admit that you basically burgled your own place with your druggie friend so that you could get off the hook for jewelry theft?  That was a really confusing sentence to utter.

It’s official:  The bitch is back.  Heather Locklear is returning to the saddest little neighborhood around, Melrose Place, to see if she can yet again save this sinking ship.

The first time MP was on the air there was no plot line,  it had horrible actors and was at the bottom of the ratings — wow, this new version really is a remake in the truest sense.  Heather Locklear came on board and saved the show; it ran for seven years.  Now, she’s coming back.

I’m sure after that nuclear disaster of a premiere, the producers knew that only Amanda Woodward could save the day.  Here are my questions:  Will Amanda’s glorified belts — the wardrobe people called them “skirts”, but I debate that classification — be as short as they were in the ’90s?  Will this show make it to the end of season 1?  And, just how much money do you think they had to throw at Heather Locklear to get her back on this show?