“We weren’t in rehab and Mr. Belding wasn’t my crack dealer.”

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, responding to accusations Dustin “Screech” Diamond makes in his latest attempt to salvage his finances and his fame with no thought of salvaging his dignity. Screech has “written” a “memoir” called Behind the Bell, about his days on the set of Saved by the Bell. Us Weekly has a sneak peak at all the fabricated dirt:

He also alleges costar Mark Paul Gosselaar — who played popular Zack Morris — used steroids before production started on 1994′s short-lived Saved by the Bell: The College Years.

“He suddenly exploded with manliness, loading 25 pounds of muscle on his once-scrawny frame in, oh, about a month,” says Diamond, who is not in touch with any of his costars. …

Diamond — who filed for bankruptcy in 2001 and had his own sex tape released in 2006 — goes on to say his costars hooked up off-camera.

“If Kelly [Tiffani Thiessen] was interested in Slater [Mario Lopez] one week, then backstage there was a lot going between them in Mario [Lopez]‘s room,” he tells the new Us Weekly. “Then, if Jessie [Elizabeth Berkley] kisses Zack, then you know Elizabeth Berkley is going in Mark-Paul’s room.”

I don’t know how much if any of this is even remotely true, but, even if it is, like, let me get this straight: These uber-attractive teenagers who had basically no social circle or life outside of that cast hooked up with one another? Often switching partners? GASP. I mean, I’d always surmised that some crazy shit went on in that greenroom, but teenagers hooking up? I’m sickened, just sickened. I have to buy the book now so I can find out what other juicy tidbits are in there. I bet one time Elizabeth Berkeley asked Tiffani Thiessen if she could borrow a tampon and Tiffani was all like, “Sure, but I thought you just finished your period?” and then Elizabeth Berkeley was like, “Oh, no, I’m not on my period. I just need this one to masturbate with.” BOOM!

I have fond memories of Justin Guarini. Not of Justin Guarini on American Idol — I couldn’t stand him from the start — but of Justin Guarini on my blog. On my little Evil Beet blog on the Blogger platform, the one I started because I loved to write and I loved gossip and I needed an outlet, the one that I started without any sense that, years later, it would be my full-time job. That blog’s still alive, if you want to check it out. In fact, it still gets some traffic from search engines. Back in August 2006, I wrote this post about Justin Guarini, essentially intimating that he was no longer particularly relevant. The blog, at that point, was about two months old. Guarini’s fans, who call themselves the J-Guars, descended en masse to comment on the story and to share with me their hatred toward me and point out all the many ways in which I was ill-informed, ignorant and/or had taste in music so bad as to be potentially fatal. It was the first time something I’d written caused any sort of interest on the internet, and it was the first of the hate comments. There have been many seconds and thirds ad infinitum on both those counts by now. But I always think of Justin as being somehow seminal in the growth of this site.

Justin, you helped me begin a journey that would mold the course of my life for years and years, in positive and exciting ways. And so I’m delighted to hear that you’re getting married this weekend to Reina Capodici, whom you met in high school. I’m delighted to hear that you’ve elected to use a female minister from the Universal Church to preside over the vows. I sincerely hope that this seminal event in your life will grow years and years and happiness and support. I also hope you can steal some publicity away from that damn Kardashian sister who is pregnant getting married this weekend.

Evil Beet is fortunate enough to be a part of a much broader network of very awesome websites — some owned and managed by me and my company, EB Media, and others owned by RealNetworks, our parent site. There’s a lot of great content on those sites, and we’re going to start a regular segment around here linking to the best of the content on those other sites. If you’re interested, check it out. If you’re not — in the words of Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body — just move on dot org.

From Film.com, our go-to site for movie and TV insight:

• Is Amanda Seyfriend the real star of Jennifer’s body?
• 10 Films that make us fear travel

From Zelda Lily, our women’s issues site:

• Are women less happy now that we wear less clothing?
• Fertility clinic impregnates woman with the wrong embryo.

From Lilly Likes, our women’s entertainment site:

• Diablo Cody takes on Sweet Valley High
• Tucker Max’s new film tries a little too hard to piss women off

From Rhapsody, RealNetwork’s streaming music site:

• Check out Carrie Underwood’s new single, “Cowboy Casanova”

From GameHouse, RealNetwork’s casual gaming site:

• New this week: Plan the perfect party for a crazy collection of hosts with Party Planner

I don’t know how many of you watch The Real Housewives of New York, but I do and Kelly Bensimon is my favorite (except for the fact that she beat up her boyfriend.  That was not cool.)  Like, at first you think she’s just pretending to be stupid and then you realize that this is reality television in its purest form.  You realize that she’s totally serious.  I spend a lot of time greeting people in my best Kelly “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” voice.  Loads of fun, I tell you.

Anyway, Kels is going to be posing for Playboy.  She’ll be in the December issue; there’s really no better way to end your year.  Here’s a pic of Kels from a year or two ago.  From underwire to hipbone she’s totally Matthew McConaughey.

Remember that whole debacle a few weeks back between Brody Jenner, Playmate Jayde Nicole, Joe Francis and a taser?  Me neither.  But Jayde remembers.  Oh, does she remember and she’s hoping that Joe Francis’ wallet gets a reminder that it won’t soon forget.

Today Jayde filed a lawsuit claiming that she was assaulted and battered.  The suit states, ”In an intoxicated and uncontrollable rage, defendant Francis, who weighs over 200 lbs, physically attacked plaintiff Nicole, approximately 115 lbs, by pulling on her hair from behind to gain maximum control over her person and then violently shoving and/or throwing her to the ground of the nightclub like a rag-doll.”

In addition, Nicole was injured.  She cites, “a black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore and bruised abdomen region, bruised arms and legs, ripped-out hair, and utter emotional distress and humiliation.”

In case you are wondering what clumps of hair and utter emotional distress go for these days, she’s looking for a million bucks as well as punitive damages.

Oh how I love Kirk Cameron. One minute, the world is going along just swimmingly, and then the next, our favorite born-again teen heartthrob is in our face to point out how terrible the world is now that we teach our kids about evolution. Kirk and some of his fundamentalist pals have joined forces to protect poor, innocent college students against the horrors of Darwin’s seminal work, The Origin of Species.

“Atheism has been on the rise for years now, and the Bible of the atheists is The Origin of Species,” Cameron says. “We have a situation in our country where young people are entering college with a belief in God and exiting with that faith being stripped and shredded. What we want to do is have student make an informed, educated decision before they chuck their faith.”

He and other creationists have created thousands of editions of Charles Darwin’s landmark work explaining evolutionary theory, with a 50-page introduction that picks apart aspects of Darwin’s work and links it to everything from Nazi eugenics to the scientist’s alleged “disdain for women.” On Nov. 19, three days before the 150th anniversary of the original publication of Origin of Species, Cameron and other religious activists will distribute their books at “the top 50″ universities around the country. (You can check out Kirk speaking about it here.) He seems to imply that universities are trying to “censor” his views and may try to interfere with his distribution of literature. I wouldn’t worry so much about that, Kirk. It’s not that anyone’s trying to censor you. It’s just that no one cares, because you’re loony.

Continues Kirk:

“You can see where [Hitler] clearly takes Darwin’s ideas to some of their logical conclusions and compares certain races of people to lower evolutionary life forms. If you take Darwin’s theory and extend it to its logical end, it can be used to justify all number of very horrendous things.”

OH THAT’S RIGHT. Charles Fucking Darwin’s book has been used to justify SO MANY HORRENDOUS THINGS. Like the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Hunts, the Crusades, the War in Iraq … oh, no, wait. I’m thinking of the Bible.

I just don’t understand this shit. I believe in God. As it turns out, I believe in a God so very powerful that it may possibly have occurred to this God to create evolution. And science. Why is this so hard for people to stomach? Why do these people insist that their all-powerful God is somehow incapable of having created a science to explain the universe? Why must they wage a war against atheism and non-Christian beliefs when Jesus’ primary message was one of universal love and tolerance? This crazy shit is so far removed from the beautiful and spiritual teachings of Jesus Christ.

Above find a very awesome video response to Kirk’s video. Mostly I love it because I love the chick’s hair and I want my hair to look like that.