“If I’m the emblem for ‘this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,’ so be it.”

This most hypocritical quotable was brought to you by Elle.

And while I laugh hysterically, to the point of not being able to catch my breath, I’m going to huff some Primatene.

A pointedly bra-less LiLo did some shopping at the WeHo American Apparel on Monday, trying on their scarves like a Grey Gardens character. Actually, I believe American Apparel calls those sashes. I know because their ad for it says “The Sash” in big letters on the top, and that’s what my college boyfriend used to call me, so I totally love those ads. Also: it was pointed out to me that the girl in those ads looks a lot like me. So whatever. I’ve basically been on Lindsay Lohan at this point. Score.

Congrats, Kate Major! There comes a moment in every young woman’s career when she has sit down and seriously ask herself, “Should I bang a divorcing father of eight and then loudly quit my job, sacrificing any sense of personal dignity, for the potential publicity pay-off?” I know I had a similar moment when Mel Gibson wanted me to go into the bathroom with him at Moonshadows. I thought about it long and hard, but I made the decision that my dignity was more important than publicity. (Well, that and he rescinded the offer once he found out I was Jewish.) But I understand that every woman has to navigate her own way through such complicated moral waters, and I’m glad that your gamble is finally starting to pay off.

Kate Major — the reporter who was spotted out and about with Jon Gosselin — is doing her first television interview this week, with E!’s Ken Baker:

Kate Major and Jon are still seeing each other despite the fact that he had to head back to Pennsylvania to take care of his kids, Kate’s friend Michael Lohan tells Star. Kate spent last week in Pennsylvania with friends. She was staying an hour away from Jon’s family home. “They are keeping it low key. They have not been going out too much.”

Michael says Kate is now chilling out on the West Coast because, “She needed to get away.” Michael added, “Kate has really fallen for him and cares about him a great deal. She called him when she arrived. She wanted him to know we all got here safely.”

Kate won’t be away from her beau for long. “She will fly back and meet up with Jon after her vacation.”

Ohhhh, poor Kate! She’s so lonely! Her imaginary boyfriend had to leave New York to spend time with his EIGHT SMALL CHILDREN. God, life is SO UNFAIR.

Listen, I don’t harbor Wendie’s all-consuming hatred for Julia Roberts, but Eat, Pray, Love is one of my favorite books ever, and I’d never pictured Julia Roberts in the lead role. I was thinking of someone younger, someone more playful, more malleable. Maybe a Kate Hudson or a Rachel McAdams or a Charlize Theron. Definitely not Julia Roberts.

It occurs to me that what I’m doing here is exactly what sometimes bothers me about my own readership — I found a book that I love, that I relate to, that speaks to me, and of course now I want the main character to be exactly like me, and I’m upset that she might not be. It’s something I see in the (fabulous!) hate/complaint emails I get from my own readers. I read why they’re upset, and then it occurs to me that, mostly, they’re disappointed because I’ve said or done something that makes me less similar to them. This is what I’m doing here. I’m disappointed, because I wanted Elizabeth Gilbert to be just like me, and that’s not how Julia Roberts is going to play her.

Anyway. The bright side? Javier Bardem is going to play Felipe. SWOON! I hope he’s all like “HEADS OR TAILS LIZ???” and then shoots Julia Roberts in the head.

The queen of the pre-teens has teamed up with BCBG designer Max Azria in what appears to be a well-coordinated effort to dilute both their brands. You can check out the full collection they’ve “designed” for Walmart here, but I’ve pulled some of my favorite items and posted them in the gallery below. It’s the best, brightest and cheapest from eight seasons ago. And get this: With the exception of the skinny jeans ($20), nothing in this line retails for more than $12. Most of the shirts are $6 or $7. It must be very exciting for Miley’s 8-year-old Malaysian fans to get to play such an important role in her empire, sewing this shit day and night for $0.25 an hour. Congrats Miley and Max! You’re going to make a lot of money, and all it cost you was your souls.

The Jackson family was in court today and Katherine Jackson was officially named permanent guardian of Michael’s three children.  In itself, this isn’t big news.  Kelly and I have both already reported about the $4M acquisition that made bio mom Debbie Rowe a whole lot richer.  

But, similar to every episode of The Bachelor, there was a twist:  Michael’s dermatologist, Arnie Klein sent representing counsel to the courtroom today.  His attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan raised non-specific objections to the custodial arrangement.  In addition, Klein wanted a say in certain decisions regarding the children’s education and day-to-day parenting.  Since the doctor has no legal connection to the kids, his lawyer was swiftly escorted out of the room.

Doesn’t this just confirm that MJ was obviously getting so much more than skin bleach and grafts when he went to see the dermo?