I’m devastated. Just appalled. Apparently Paula Abdul will not be returning to American Idol because she could not reach a contract agreement with the producers. (Read: They were tired of having to babysit a wasted Paula on live television twice weekly.) I guess we all kind of saw this coming last year, when they brought Kara on board, and later when they were having contract difficulties, but something inside me believed that it would never really happen. I was wrong.

Paula tweeted about this national catastrophe:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all..Cont’d…

I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon.

What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me

I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch Idol without Paula. Half the fun of that show for me is playing the “How high is Paula?” game I invented. Oh Paula. Don’t leave me!

They’ve been married an eternity in Hollywood time, but the bond between Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore still seems to be strong. Ashton’s been promoting his new movie, Spread, where he plays a male hooker — the Film.com film critic summarized it to me by saying “Ashton has about forty sex scenes. I’d lend you a copy but I’d be afraid of what would be on it when you gave it back.”

At the red carpet event for Spread, he spoke to People magazine about how Demi Moore gets more beautiful every day. “Doesn’t she?” he said. “I don’t know – I’m trying to figure it out. I so see it, man. She becomes more beautiful to me by the minute, and I don’t know what it is. She’s got the magic thing.”

It’s heartwarming to see such a loving Hollywood couple, but I have to wonder how this’ll work out in the long run. When he’s 50, Ashton will be a distinguished, witty, swoon-worthy George Clooney type, and Demi will be a 60-something woman. Will Ashton be able to turn away all the 22-year-olds throwing themselves at him? You know what? I hope so.

I really think TLC needs to give up on J&K+8 and move straight into production for Jon Minus Nine. Audiences seem to have a dwindling interest in the reality TV family — last night’s back-to-back episodes, the first since the divorce announcement, saw average ratings of 3.6M. While this is a very good number for cable TV in general, it’s a huge dip from the May season opener (9.8M) and June’s “big announcement” episode (10.6M). Audiences loved watching the bickering between Jon & Kate while they were still together, but perhaps it’s less intriguing to watch a broken family attempt to soldier on, especially when TLC doesn’t seem to want to actively involve any of the drama surrounding Jon’s dating life.

Do you think ratings will perk up over the rest of the season, or will Jon & Kate sputter to a close?

Hello all. I apologize for the total lack of posts this afternoon. Wendie has the rest of the day off, which should have been just fine, except a lovely red truck ran a stop sign and plowed into the side of my car a couple hours ago. Thank God, I was wearing my seatbelt, and the airbags deployed, and I walked away without a scratch (the same can not be said for my precious car). The body shop says my car will have to live with them for three weeks (????) and no one in this city has rental cars available right now. Like every rental place in a 10-mile radius is out of cars. So whatever. Kind of a pain in the ass, but right now I’m just exceedingly grateful that I’m okay, and it’s just another really important reminder to WEAR A SEATBELT ALWAYS. This would have been a very different story had I not been buckled up.

Another reason I’m grateful? I’m not Jason Wahler today. The Hills star got sober after his 2007 arrest, but apparently it didn’t stick, as he got himself arrested for battery and public intoxication on Friday night.

According to law enforcement sources, Wahler got into a scuffle with a bouncer at the Ocean Avenue Brewery and eventually got himself ejected.

Somehow Wahler made his way back inside, cops said, and the bouncers had to toss him out again.

But here’s the best part: Witnesses say a frustrated Wahler then removed his shoes and fired them into the bar — and when security came out to remove him permanently, Jason allegedly threw a punch.

Cops soon arrived on scene and arrested the reality reject for battery and public intoxication.

Wahler still had 11 days left on his probation stemming from a drunken, racist, homophobic, violent tirade back in 2007– which means he’s gonna get in even more trouble if convicted.

And you better believe he’s getting convicted, and probably going to jail. I bet him former fiance, Katja Decker-Sadowski, who ended their engagement in February, is delighted to have dodged this bullet. You can’t drink, Jason. Not ever. Because this shit is gonna happen every single time. Do you get it now?

I know we have a big Chelsea following here on Evil Beet, but Joan Rivers admitted in an interview with The Associated Press that she doesn’t think Chelsea Handler is funny.  Of course, Joan also claimed that she hasn’t had much plastic surgery and that some people get too much.  Not her, but “some people”:

AP: One of your recent books “Men Are Stupid and Like Big Boobs” is a guide to plastic surgery. Why write that?

Rivers: I did a lot of research for it. I haven’t had as much as everyone thinks. You have to know how much to do and when to do it. I recommend doing a little bit at a time, otherwise you look like you’ve been through a wind tunnel. Robert Redford looks like he’s in the Witness Protection Program. He could actually kill a man and get away with it now. (Laughs)

AP: Ed McMahon recently passed away. You knew him from your days filling in as host of “The Tonight Show.” What was he like?

Rivers: Ed McMahon was the sweetest, nicest guy. What you saw is what you got. He was very kind to me. When I left “The Tonight Show” to go over to Fox, Johnny Carson put out a mandate that nobody was allowed to talk to me. Ed McMahon, whenever he saw me, would come over and make it his business to say hello. That was very sweet.

AP: Late night is still a man’s world.

Rivers: There’s one girl, Chelsea Handler, but she’s not funny. I think there are too many late-night shows.

AP: Do you miss hosting the red carpets with your daughter, Melissa?

Rivers: Not at all. It changed. Melissa and I were the first to do it. We turned going into a building into an event. Now, God forbid you say Nicole Kidman doesn’t look gorgeous. Her publicist then won’t let you have Tom Hanks. Plus, they’re all dressed. Nobody looks like a fool anymore. Nowadays you even recognize the jewelry because it’s all borrowed.

AP: What do you think of celebrities today?

Rivers: They’re handled badly. … In the old days, when a celebrity went out they were dressed. I don’t want to see Cameron Diaz in sneakers and no makeup. There’s no glamour.

Clearly, Joan Rivers suffers from some type of body dysmorphic disorder.  She isn’t even aware of the irony that exists as she insults Robert Redford for being so over-tooled.  Isn’t it time for her to shut the fuck up and go design another craptastic piece of jewelry for QVC or something?

Cameron Douglas is one of those celebuspawns that I’ve been stalking watching for years.  Even when he was twelve and attended movie premieres with his parents, he looked stoned.  Always.  Stoned.

A few months ago, I read an article in Daily Mail about how Cameron was clean after years of drug arrests and rehab, coming to terms with his often-absent father, and building a movie career.  It appears that his plans derailed.

Cameron was arrested at the Gansevoort Hotel in New York City  – he’s been living there in a room that his dad pays for — on July 28th, as part of a sting operation that was busted open by the DEA.  It seems that the youngest Douglas was the middleman in a plan to transport and sell a half-pound of meth and was “very strung-out” at the time of his arrest.  

Now, when you lose half a pound, it’s not even noticeable.  When you are in possession of half a pound of drugs, it’s super serious.  I’d be surprised if he doesn’t actually serve jail time (especially considering his past record).  Addiction sucks.