Look you guys, it’s Lindsay Lohan Audrina Fucking Patridge posing for the new issue of Nylon magazine. The accompanying “article” is basically all light stuff like: “blah blah blah my acting blah blah blah my movie blah blah blah” and then they drop the real bomb: Mark Burnett is still signed on to produce a reality show around Audrina. Just Audrina. I can’t wrap my mind around this. Mark Burnett is serious business. Everything he touches turns to television gold. Why, why, why choose Audrina? Do we really need her to be a bigger star than she already is? Remember, this is the young woman who started out as LC’s awkward friend who worked at the record label and nodded and smiled and nervously agreed with everything LC said and was only marginally interesting in the sense that her eyes were really fucking weird.

Make this stop, God. A world where we’re making this young woman a mega-star is not any “reality” I want a part of. Please. There must be some bargaining room here. Can we give Justin Bobby his own show instead? I would even settle for that.

Ummmmm, is there anything conceivably more awesome than Taylor Swift hanging out of a cab singing this version of West Side Story’s “Tonight” as a teaser for the VMA Awards? I think not. MTV hit it out of the ballpark with this one.

There’s a matching — although less phenomenally amazing — teaser featuring Cobra Starship (nice to see them getting some much-deserved attention) and Leighton Meester:

This is all a great start to the awards show. In general, though, everyone’s just going to have to work really, really hard to compensate for the fact that, through forces of nature I will never understand, Russell Brand is being allowed to host again this year. Whatever. Better than Dane Cook, anyway.

Madge put on her best granny bloomers with lace overlay and took the kids out for a boat ride in Portofino, Italy yesterday, in celebration of her 51st birthday.  

Lourdes is looking so grown up and David and Mercy look like they’re adjusting well to their new and exciting lifestyle.  Jesus Luz has completed his primary education and is looking forward to … oh, sorry.  Oops.  Um, Madonna’s boyfriend Jesus Luz was also there.

Oh, Tyra!  You’re such a scamp!  You’re always thinking of new ways to captivate the audience like the time you had your tits ultrasounded to finally answer the age-old question:  ”Does Tyra Banks have implants?”  And I could never forget the time you grabbed Carnie Wilson’s ass on your show.  I had to go to a year of EMDR therapy to get over that episode.  Thanks.  But this, this may be your finest masterpiece yet.  I cannot wait until the September 8th season premiere of your show.  The day that you have declared “National Real Hair Day”.  

That’s right, folks!  Tyra’s premiere will consist of her appearing on television not wearing a weave.  Apparently, this has never happened before so this is a blockbuster moment.  Does anyone else think Tyra Banks might be insane?  Look at the pictures from the filming of the premiere before you answer that.

Update: Photo removed by request.

Jennifer Lopez is on September’s cover of InStyle looking like an Oreo vagina and, in between the covers of the mag, she offers sage advice about marriage.  Stop laughing!  Now that she’s got her two starters out of the way, she has settled down quite nicely with Marc Anthony.  As a matter of fact, their marriage has lasted twice as long as Jen’s two previous unions — combined!

“I’m still figuring it out as I go along,” Lopez tells InStyle magazine. “How do two totally different people come together and make one life and say they’ll do it forever and ever? I mean, I’ve tried it. This is my third time. I don’t even think I tried in my other marriages, which was immature and not knowing better. … I believe that in life you learn through experience. I’m old enough to know now that relationships take work. That it’s not an easy thing.”

So, I don’t know.  Is this a statement designed to prepare the public for an eventual split?  Or does it sound like they are on firm footing?  I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t think it would last for the five years that it has.  Cynic.

The rest of the interview is just a bunch of yammering about how having children changed her life.  I want to meet the woman who says, “Yeah, I cranked out a couple kids but it’s still the status quo around here.”  Seriously, the biggest parenting cliches that exist:  

1)  My life has changed since having a child.

2)  I look at the world differently since having a child.

3)  It’s a love like no other when  you have a child.

4)  Having a child makes me want to be a better person.

Listen, all these things may be true, but does every celeb have to say them as if they were the first to think of it?

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were snapped cozying up at a Kings of Leon concert in Vancouver this weekend (yes, the rest of the cast was there, too).  Do these two look like a couple or do these two look like they’re too stoned to keep their heads up?  Personally, I think it could go either way.

Oh, and the last picture in the gallery is of the two of them kissing.  I guess …  For me, no matter how long I stared at it, I really couldn’t tell.  It was like those 3D posters from the ’90s that had the hidden picture in them.  I could never see the hidden picture.

Images via INFPhoto.com