Jon Gosselin has opened up a lemonade stand to help supplement his income.  Sure, the paps are reporting it as Jon participating in a fundraiser in hopes of keeping the local volunteer fire station open (and if that’s even true, I’m sure they were filming it for a J&K+8 episode), but I think we know the truth.  Speaking of truth …

Jon seems to be trying to communicate something via his shirt.  ”Lies.”  I’m getting all Carnac the Magnificent on your ass — if the answer is “Lies” what is the question?  Some possibilities:

1)  What am I really good at telling?

2)  What, in my opinion, was the basis of my marriage to Kate?

3)  How do I keep my two young and blond girlfriends happy?

4)  How will I keep my kids from hating me when they get older and read all about me?

“You know I never took this thing seriously. In addition, I’ve let the director know that I would be doing the show for the wrong reasons as I am not, in any way, attracted to the chick.”

An email excerpt from the most recent Bachelorette fiance, Ed Swiderski.  This was one snippet of correspondence sent to one of his two girlfriends while he was also vying for the heart of Jillian Harris.  Reality Steve has all of Ed’s email exchanges on his site, including proclamations of love and promises of molestation, but his site is currently crashed.

As of this time, Harris and Swiderski are still engaged.

I wanted to share Travis Barker’s latest Tweet with you.  Sadly, it’s proof that not even a near-death experience can provide illumination for everyone.  You know, maybe Shanna Moakler — that’s who he’s referring to — is a pile of shit.  I don’t know — I don’t know her.  It doesn’t even matter.  She’s the mother of his children and putting these thoughts in print does no service to their children.

Sometimes a fuckwit is just always going to be a fuckwit.  Not even a narrow escape from death was enough to give Travis Barker perspective.

I guess these two are officially toast now, but between this incident and Shanna having enough balls to publicly blast Katie Holmes’ dancing skills, I’m going Team Shanna all the way!

Melanie Griffith has checked into Cirque Lodge in Utah.  It worked so well for Lindsay Lohan, I can’t wait to see what magic it works on our gal Mel.  Melanie Griffith is an interesting drunk.  Like, I’ve always known that she’s a coke head lush but she manages to not embarrass herself in public very often and I don’t think she has any DUIs.  She flies under the radar.

Her publicist released the statement that all publicists say, regarding their clients:  That Melanie elected to enter into rehab just as a checkup on her ongoing sobriety.  At a cost of $30,000 a month, natch.

Star magazine also cited another source that claimed Melanie’s husband, Antonio Banderas, was behind the trip to Cirque.  ”He told her that if she didn’t get the help she needed it would be the end of their marriage.”

Whether for her own health, to save her marriage or to just, ahem, keep tabs on her sobriety, I hope Melanie gets the help she needs and climbs back on that wagon.

The results of Michael Jackson’s autopsy have been leaked.  Cause of death?  Murder by ingestion of a lethal combination of drugs.  Shocking, I know.

Because the coroner’s office hasn’t made an official statement, the source spoke under the condition of anonymity.  He said that propofol as well as two other sedatives were found in Jackson’s bloodstream.  They would have been administered in the hours preceeding his death by Dr. Conrad Murray.  The affadavit also states that the propofol wasn’t ordered or received by Murray; he discovered it at Michael’s home.

Listen, there is no way Dr. Conrad Murray will be charged with murder.  I don’t think prosecutors have a case based on intent to end Michael Jackson’s life.  This will end at worst with a manslaughter charge and a soft sentence.  And decades of speculation, whodunit books, and tacky MJ commemorative merchandise.

Kelly told us this weekend about how Lindsay Lohan’s house had been burgled … again.  Well, stalker Daddy Lohan is inserting himself into the situation getting involved.

“I am coming into town to work with private investigators in order to gather evidence which will be turned over to LAPD and the detectives assigned to the case,” Lohan told E! News.

“This time, these evildoers will be caught.”

And with Papa Lohan on the case, no one seems to have higher hopes for swift justice than, well, Papa Lohan himself, who apparently is both mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore.

“If we are fortunate, we just might find out who the culprits were from the other thefts as well,” he said.

“My children are not going to be subject to violations of this or any kind any longer. Especially when they always give to others, and it seems some of these very individuals are the ones behind these crimes.

“Dina and I are finished with this nonsense.”

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of the LAPD when Michael Lohan comes bounding into town like a modern-day Zorro, ready to assist in the investigation.  Isn’t Michael Lohan … a felon?  He needs to go back to helping Jon Gosselin get a pilot and stop this charade of trying to appear like he cares about his daughter.

The good news is that I expect his involvement in this to go much the same as when he vowed to have any and all druggies that were around his daughter arrested.  In other words, a whole lot of hot air and absolutely no action.  I just wish Dina and Michael Lohan would bottle up all this passion they have for thwarting evildoers and direct it toward getting their kid healthy.