Well it’s not a permanent job, but Paula Abdul has been tapped to emcee VH1′s Divas special on September 17th.  This comes on the heels of her surprising departure from American Idol.  It seems like an odd choice — “diva” is not a noun or adjective I would ever assign to Paula.  Of course, I wouldn’t call Jordin Sparks a diva either and she’s going to be singing.

Somewhere along the way the divas who demand all white furniture in their dressing rooms and Cristal on ice were replaced with some singing Girl Scout troop.  It’s disappointing, really.  What was VH1 thinking?

It’s not like Lindsay Lohan is ever home — she spends her nights weeping on the front step of Samantha Ronson’s home — but it hasn’t stopped a trail of unsavory traffic from breaking into her home.  The neighbors want Lohan out.  “The truth is that this is a very quiet neighborhood and there have been no break-ins apart from at Lindsay Lohan’s house.  Since she moved in last November it has been a nightmare with all the paparazzi parking in our driveways waiting for her.  This is a really narrow and winding street and I’m amazed there has not been a more serious accident.  I’ve got nothing personal against her but she needs to find a home in a gated community with security at the main gate because all the residents are fed-up with the situation.”

Poor Lindsay!  There’s just nowhere for her to go, is there? Since these home break-ins seem to be directly targeted on Lindsay, and the neighbor also said it seemed like an inside job, I wonder what these people are looking for?  Drugs? Money?

Linds and a few of her friends packed up some personal possessions on Sunday and left the house.  There goes the neighborhood … heaving a sigh of relief.

I’ve been saying it for ages, but the folks at McAfee Antivirus Software have confirmed it:  Looking at Jessica Biel can make you sick.  More accurately, she can make your computer sick.

McAfee has released the top fifteen celebrity searches that can lead to your computer being infected with a virus or malware.  Biel has a 20% infection rate!  I don’t know if the stats would be the same with other anti-virus softwares; I never had a positive experience with McAfee.

Here’s the full list:

Hi guys!

You know I don’t front with y’all (I put the apostrophe in the right place so BOW THE FUCK DOWN all y’all who always call me out on that) so I’m gonna be straight-up: I’m kind of fucked.

Let me start from the beginning.

I’m running a business here. Businesses need revenue, and in my case I generate revenue when RealNetworks sells ad sponsorships for this adorable website we all love so much. Sometimes I am a little bit involved in the pitching process of these sponsorships and usually I stay as far away from it as humanly possible. This is easy because the ad sales team sits on the other side of my floor, and it’s been proven that coworkers who sit more than 100 feet away from each other may as well be located in different states for how often they’ll communicate. This is not to say I don’t love the ad sales team, because I do. I went golfing a couple weeks ago with Staci from ad sales.

I had a point here.

Oh yes. They sold a network-wide sponsorship for ABC’s TV on DVD and they’d like editorial pieces to be written by, ya know, me, about the following shows: Scrubs, Samantha Who, Desperate Housewives, and Brothers & Sisters. They would like them on the site by Tuesday evening. Here’s the issue: I watch none of these shows, and there’s really no elegant way to integrate these editorials into this blog without it being SUPER OBVIOUS that it’s sponsored, so I’m not going to try, because I think you guys are smarter than that. (And, to be honest, when you guys call me out on a piece being sponsored, you’re wrong 99.9% of the time. I rave about products when I love them, not when someone pays me. When it’s sponsored, I tell you.)

I’m getting closer to the point: I think this whole thing would work a lot better if you guys would please help out and let me use your opinions instead of mine for once. I know there are people in this audience who watch all those shows religiously. For each of these shows, I’d like to put together a Top 5 Reasons to Watch. I actually think you guys will be really, really funny about this — I’m giving you total permission to be as snarky or serious as you like. Please let me know in the comments (or via email — evilbeet@gmail.com) which show you’re referencing and what you think is a good reason (or five!) to watch the most recent seasons. The best/funniest/truest will be posted on the site by Tuesday evening. Have fun with this and PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

Because that is what I do these days. I don’t even understand this quote Stephen gave to Nylon magazine, but I love it:

The thing about vampirism is that it taps into a female point of view – you have an old-fashioned gentleman with manners who is a fucking killer… it’s an interesting duality, because in our present society it would be an odd thing for a woman to say, ‘I want my man to be physical with me.’ How, as a modern man, can you fucking work that? It’s one thing to be polite and gentle… But when do you know it’s OK to crawl out of the mud and rape her [as Bill does in one scene]?… It’s difficult stuff for a bloke, but a vampire gets away with it…. I think that’s the attraction of the show – it’s looking back at a romantic time when men were men, but they were still charming.

SERIOUSLY, ladies? How do you subtly give your man the idea that it’s okay for him to crawl out of the mud and rape you? WHAT IS THE SAFE WORD THERE?

Hey do you guys remember that SNL sketch where it was a swingers party and they all wanted to try rough sex but they spent the entire party trying to come up with the perfect safe word? That was pretty fucking hilarious.

Anyway, I’d just be all like, “Baby, I want you to be rough with me tonight. Start out under some mud, see where it takes you.”

Instead of telling you, since it’s late here and I’ve already written a full ten pieces, I’m going to let the pictures tell the story …

Needless to say, Travis Barker is way more focused on publicly insulting a woman he once loved enough to create humans with, and so not focused on what is best for his children.  What would be best is shutting the fuck up and calling his lawyer if he thinks his kids are in danger.  Because saying “My babies mom is a pile of shit” has nothing to do with the threat of child molestation.  It’s just an insult for the sake of insult.

Ugh, I guess I did have something to say about it after all.  And for the record, I will definitely still be following this short-sighted twit.  Oh, and he JUST deleted the “pile of shit” tweet.  Success!

My Tweet

His Direct Message to Me

My Tweet

His Direct Message to Me