TMZ published photos today pulled from the security cameras of both Audrina Patridge and Lindsay Lohan– both victims of break-ins this year– and pointed out that the thieves have more in common than just wanting to rip off Hollywood’s C-List. In fact, both burglars may be the very same person.

LAPD was the first to pick up on the similar M.O. — douchey cap, t-shirt and an easy entry through unlocked doors and leaked these screenshots to the press in hopes that it would lead to the arrest of the thief. Not only has Lohan told the cops that the man on camera looks familiar to her, but as TMZ pointed out, she took to her Twitter this week and said “that’s how i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren’t taken… just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me.” Apparently some of the stolen goods include personal video tapes and legal documents that were part of Lindsay’s double arrests/blink-and-you’ll-miss-it jail time awhile back.

So what have we learned, kids? 1) Just because you’ve been reduced to a nobody does not mean that the Ed Hardy-clad fools you do lines with at Teddy’s are above breaking in to your house later. 2) Lock your freakin’ door. It’s a recession and crime is up. If you don’t live in the backwoods with nothing more than a clock radio to your name, you’re at risk of being ransacked. 3) For the love of God, Celebrities. Throw out your video cameras. Nothing you can tape at home would be worth it being leaked to the press by someone who wants to cash in on your stupidity.

This is one of those stories that I’m hoping is just random talk and not actual fact.  

Ryan O’Neal — and I can’t stand looking at him, so we’re going to learn about Bumpits instead — has brokered a deal for a reality show that will star O’Neal and his son Redmond.  First of all, I think the last thing a newly recovered and newly released from jail addict needs is a huge salary.  Secondly, does America care about these two?  Will the show feature the two of these money-grubbing whores sitting around doing meth together while Ryan cries tears of regret of how savagely he treated Farrah’s anus?

I wish Redmond all the luck in the world getting and staying clean.  I just don’t know if spending copious amounts of time with his father is the way to accomplish that goal.

It looks like yet another classic is about to be fucked with Wizard of Oz is being remade.  It’s been tried before, without much success.  This attempt will feature Dorothy’s granddaughter — and word has it that Dakota Fanning will portray her — in a much darker version of the movie.  Warner Brothers has the rights — I’m so shocked Tim Burton isn’t involved with this project, but he isn’t — so I expect lots of action and special effects to completely ruin … uh, I mean to bring this classic story into modern-day viewing.

I think you all know how I feel about remakes at this point.  I’m willing to give this one my blessing if we can get Tom Cruise on the munchkin cast.

“The drinking is taking its toll and making her take silly risks.  Her record company was furious about the bad publicity she’s been getting recently and she’s been told to get her act together. Lily’s always contrite afterwards and filled with horror at what she might’ve done while she was drunk. She’s joked that she likes drink, but it doesn’t like her – and that’s true. Her outrageous behaviour also extends to her love life. She’ll hook up with anyone when she’s drunk.”

A “friend” of Lily Allen’s, expressing concern over the singer’s apparent issues with alcohol.

Stand-up comedian Shoonda Croonquist — she’s been seen on Comedy Central — is being sued by her mother-in-law.  The half-black, half-Swedish, Roman Catholic-raised comic that married a Jew, has built her routine around talking about the cultural clashes in her life.

And she’s not shy about making the in-laws the butt of her jokes.

Take the one about her mother-in-law’s reaction to news she was pregnant with her first child: “OK, now that we know you’re having a little girl I want to know what you’re naming that little tchotchke. Now we don’t want a name that’s difficult to pronounce like Shaniqua. We’re thinking a name short but delicious. Like Hadassah or Goldie.”

Or her first visit to her mother-in-law’s house: “I walk in, I say, ‘Thank you so much for having me here, Ruthie.’ She says, ‘The pleasure’s all mine, have a seat.’” Then, in a loud aside, ‘Harriet, put my pocketbook away.’”

Though Croonquist and her husband are now estranged from his family, it wasn’t always that way; they once loved her routines.  ”They played my tape at Passover one year, and they loved it!”  The turning point seems to be when she put information on her website that made it easy for people to figure her in-laws’ identities.

Shoonda has stated that she’s willing to change or remove offensive wording from her website, but she won’t pay a settlement.  She maintains that she’s not anti-Jewish, especially since she has converted to Judaism and keeps a kosher household.  Beyond all, the show must go on.

In the meantime, Croonquist, who lives in Beverly Hills and is a regular on the Hollywood comedy circuit, was at the Laugh Factory on open-mic night recently, eager to test some new non-mother-in-law material. This time the butt of her jokes would be herself, her lawyer husband (his firm is representing her in the lawsuit) and entertainer Jennifer Lopez.

“My father is Swedish, my mother is African-American. You know what that made me growing up?” she asks the audience. “A Puerto Rican! That works for me, honey. … After having two babies in two years, I look like J-Lo.”

Still, she couldn’t resist getting a few yucks out of her in-laws, although this time she left their first names out of the act.

Doing her sister-in-law during their first meeting (and in a New Jersey accent the lawsuit notes Croonquist has said sounds “like a cat in heat”): “Oh my Gawd, look at her, she’s got light eyes and light hair. What kind of black person is she?”

Then herself (in a black urban street voice): “I said, ‘A black person who can hear, that’s who.’”

Then (as Haley Joel Osment might sound in “The Sixth Sense,” if he spoke in a black urban accent): “I hear white people!”

“They’re nice jokes. There’s nothing bad, nothing defamatory,” 

It all leads me to ask:  Is this free speech?  Is it racism?  And if it is racist talk, should it be prohibited?

I cannot believe it took an astounding 60 days before I could report this news to you, but as expected, the King of Pop is alive!  The person who submitted this totally conclusive video also sent along the following statement:

This video shows that Michael was still alive after his dead body was transported to the Los Angeles Dept. of Coroner I checked the license plate number and it looks like the King of Pop is jumping out of the same van, his dead body has been in. I got the original video tape from a trustworthy source. I know him for years. And I am sure it´s real and Michael is alive.