The prodigal son returns! Jon Gosselin and his rapidly expanding belly dragged their hungover selves back to Wernersville today, where Jon promptly lit up a cigarette and did his best impression of the Loch Ness monster for the paparazzi. This guy, I’ll tell ya. All class. I’m sure Kate is BEYOND DELIGHTED that he’s smoking cigarettes outside the house while he’s not busy traipsing around the world sucking face with every recent college grad who’ll have him. This is exactly what she had planned for her life.

While Jon nabbed an NYC bachelor pad for his kid-free time, Kate has recently picked up a condo in Rockville, a wealthy part of of Maryland. Why Maryland, you ask? Wellllll, her bodyguard and rumored side-squeeze, Steve Neild, lives there and works just a block away from her new place. (Wait, doesn’t he work for her?) As we exclusively reported yesterday, Jon’s been telling people that Kate was cheating on him before the divorce. This move on Kate’s part only lends credence to the rumors that she was fooling around with Steve.

Oh, man. These Gosselins. When I first tuned in years ago to watch the eight adorable youngsters, I had NO IDEA how much fun the PARENTS would turn out to be. Love it, love it, love it.

Oooh, I hope so!!! I don’t know why I despise this couple so. The angsty 13-year-old in me who worships Alanis Morissette is still angry on her behalf. Honestly, I’m sure Alanis has completely moved on with her life and doesn’t give a damn what happens between Ryan and Scarlett Johansson, but I’m like “BREAK UP! BREAK UP! BREAK UP!” I also get really bitter about people who just stumble into the love of their lives and marry them after 20 seconds of dating and live happily ever after (anyone remember how psyched I was about Kate Hudson’s marriage ending?). So this was delightful to hear:

[T]he couple has kept their relationship under lock and key for the last 10 months, but our spies warn of recent arguments and fights. The most heated occurred last week, as they were about to depart for San Diego’s Comic Con sci-fi convention.

Scarlett, there to discuss her new role as Black Widow in “Iron Man 2,” was set to appear on her panel with Robert Downey Jr. and other cast members. Ryan was just cast as the lead in “Green Lantern,” a Warner Brothers flick. An insider tells FOX411 “they got in a huge fight just before they were going to Comic Con. It caused such a rift between them that Ryan refused to attend the conference and he told Scarlett she could go alone. She got so angry she threatened to take off her wedding band.”

The conference continued as normal, with a notably absent Ryan missing from the Warner Brothers panel. The company had planned on debuting major plans for the new superhero movie, and now insider says Ryan has “angered the executives.” Apparently Scarlett began the fight but came out smelling like rose thanks to her appearance at the conference.

I keep waiting for the statement from Ryan or Warner Bros or someone denying this, but nothing yet. FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Oh, and what’s with the weird tat, Scarlett?

Back in May, when it seemed like an Octomom reality show was going to become a — well, reality, attorney Gloria Allred and former child star (Mickey Mouse Club) Paul Peterson filed suit to ensure that Nadya Suleman’s children would be properly compensated and that a third party would oversee those monies.  Suleman protested, citing family privacy and accusing Allred and Peterson of self-promoting.  

Yesterday, a judge heard the case and ruled that a guardian ad litem would be assigned to monitor the funds being paid to the children.  Each child will be paid $250 on any day that cameras are filming for the still-unnamed show.  No word on how much Nadya is being paid for her role.

Suleman was asked how she felt after the ruling — “indifferent” — but am I the only one who doesn’t really care about all that?  I’m just simply amazed at how awesome she looks after giving birth to fourteen kids.

Remember that book –L.A. Candy was the name, and it spent a moment, terrifyingly enough, at the top of the N.Y. Times Bestseller list — that The Hills’ Lauren Conrad “wrote”?  It looks like her story may be made into a movie.

Lauren admits to hoping for a movie deal and is said to be weighing her options.  She has options?  There is more than one homeless, IV drug user that’s interested in this project?  It’s at a level of making a pros and cons list to see which way to go with it?  If this doesn’t kill Beet, nothing will.

I’m trying to think of what actors would agree to star in a Lauren Conrad production?  I think it’s safe to say that this would be a Lifetime Television project, so that leaves Tori Spelling, Jodie Sweetin, and that chick from the show Life Goes On as contenders.

In the meantime, Conrad is “working” on a sequel.  ”It picks up where the first left off. I signed a three-book deal, so this is all part of the same story. The second book will be more dramatic than the first. It’s a relief, because I didn’t have to worry about character introductions.”  Lauren Conrad having firsthand knowledge of character development is about as likely as Josh Duggar getting arrested for solicitation.

Thankfully, we are not alone in thinking that Lauren isn’t cranking out these literary masterpieces by herself.  Former Laguna Beach co-star Kristin Cavallari recently said, “Lauren says she wrote it, but I don’t know.  Writing a book is not so easy.” 

Lauren’s response:  ”I wrote my book, and I don’t really feel the need to defend it. I’ve been writing forever. I have never written anything professionally before, so this was a big step for me. [Writing] was always my best subject in school, and it’s something I’ve always loved to do.”

Here’s Chris Brown nestled between two of NYC’s finest before playing in the Entertainer’s Basketball Classic at Harlem’s Rucker Park yesterday.  Oh, life can be so ironic sometimes.

Tobey Maguire’s mother and brother are set to star in a reality show of their own.  Growing Up Maguire will focus on his mom Wendy as she shields her 15-year-old — Tobey’s brother Weston is into motocross and snowboarding — from the evil glare of Hollywood.  Does a reality show about protecting your kid from fame seem a little counter-intuitive?

And in news that blew my crown chakra to the ceiling, Amy Winehouse’s father is releasing an album of Sinatra covers.  Yep, taxi driver Mitch Winehouse — that portly babe is pictured above — has decided to try and get into the music biz after seeing how well it has treated his daughter.  He’s been working on this record for a while now, no word on a release date.

Do people care about the irrelevant relatives of famous people?  I don’t think we have to look any further than the nine episodes of Living Lohan to answer that question.