There are just too many punchlines.

But La Lohan fears no man or clam, and she bravely attended the Lia Sophia clam bake in Malibu on Saturday.

I hope those were some good clams, Lindsay. Some really, really good baked clams.

Chief U.S. District Judge Federico Moreno: What does that mean?

Paris Hilton: Paris Hilton’s My New Best Friend Forever

Chief U.S. District Judge Federico Moreno: This will be my best case forever.

Paris Hilton: You’re my best judge forever.

Yes, this is a conversation that actually took place in a courtroom. Paris Hilton was defending herself against an $8 million lawsuit’s claim that she didn’t do her part to promote the 2006 box-office bomb Pledge This! I guess her new show’s title came up, and it confused the judge.

Basically, when you read the whole article about her testimony, it sounds like the judge was flirting with her and she was flirting right back. She wore six-inch stiletto heels to the courtroom and “amused the judge with a little wave on the way to the witness stand.”

Damn. If I were the prosecution, I’d ask for a mistrial.

The “novel” that Lauren Conrad “wrote,” L.A. Candy, is the #1 book on the NY Times Bestseller list for the second week since its June 16th release.

In equally wonderful news, Miley Cyrus’s book, Miles to Go, rings in at #7.

Fittingly, a novel called Scat took the #10 spot.

With all this success, keep your eyes open for Lauren’s sophomore novel, which will be a completely fictional story about a former reality TV star who decides to write a book. And also look out for my debut novel, which will be an equally fictional story about a blogger who cries herself to sleep every night because Lauren Conrad has a bestselling novel and she is still writing about Lauren Conrad’s goddamn bestselling novel.

The latest stop on Madonna’s tour is Paris, and she’s brought all of her kids along for the ride. Lourdes, Rocco, David and Mercy hit up Montemartre and Cathedral Notre Dame this week … with two nannies and a bodyguard. I guess Madonna was busy prepping for the show. But, damn, Mercy’s been a part of Madonna’s family for less than a month, and that little girl’s already seen more of the world than I have.

After much ado, it appears that Mr. Scarlett Johansson will be taking the coveted role of The Green Lantern in the upcoming flick based on the DC Comics hero.

Reynolds and his camp entered negotiations for the part Friday, after the studio held two rounds of screen tests, along with actors Bradley Cooper and Jared Leto. Justin Timberlake also did a screen test.

The studio had holding options on the actors, but, except for Reynolds, those expired Monday. Reynolds’ option would have expired end of day Friday.

One reason for the long search was De Line, Campbell and the studio each had a different favorite among the finalists, making it difficult to come to a consensus.

Oooh, I definitely would have liked to see Bradley Cooper in this role. I’d like to see Bradley Cooper in any role. I didn’t really understand the fuss around him, and then I finally got around to seeing The Hangover last week — which I thought was funny, but not AS funny as everyone else seemed to find it — and now I’m completely in love with Bradley Cooper and I want to marry him. Did you guys know he used to be married to Jennifer Esposito, the chick from Spin City? I actually love her too. So I’ll feel a little guilty when Bradley and I get married, but I think I’ll get over it once we start consummating our marriage over and over and over again.

Anyway. Congrats, Ryan. You still bore me, though.

Heh. Harry Potter star Emma Watson starts school at Columbia University in the fall, and her only request? “As long as there are no Harry Potter posters on the wall, I will be fine and happy,” she says. Emma will be going all-out and living in the dorms, and she’s hoping she gets a roommate who isn’t a big Harry Potter fan.

But co-star Daniel Radcliffe hopes otherwise. “I really hope they are a really massive Harry Potter fan,” he joked. “I hope you walk in and the first thing you see is your face on a duvet.”

Mostly, I’m cracking up over the fact that Daniel Radcliffe said “duvet.” I’ve known adult men with families who couldn’t come up with the word “comforter” when describing bedding, let alone “duvet.” I guess it’s a British thing. Still. I think it’s funny.

But hopefully Emma will have a fabulous roommate at Columbia, and hopefully she’ll manage to stick the whole NYC college thing out for more than a year, unlike the Olsens. I think college sounds like a really good idea in theory, but when you’re stuck in your dorm room trying to catch up on 100 pages of American History for your exam tomorrow as your former peers are walking the red carpet and tossing back champagne, it suddenly gets a lot less appealing.