Jon’s job for the day: Pick up refills for his Swiffer in Manhattan while looking rather stoned.

Kate’s job for the day: Take three little girls to the pediatrician for a check-up while looking rather exhausted.

Those tables, they are a-turnin’! Team Kate FTW!

OK, does the Huffington Post not have editors anymore? Jamie Lee Curtis’s piece this week about pain-killer addiction, Michael Jackson, and child stardom is a rambling, run-on mess. There are, however, many lovely gems I’d like to address. The first: Jamie Lee talks about her own addiction to pain killers:

I too found painkillers after a routine cosmetic surgical procedure and I too became addicted, the morphine becomes the warm bath from which to escape painful reality. I was a lucky one. I was able to see that the pain had started long ago and far away and that the finding the narcotic was merely a matter of time. The pain needed numbing. My recovery from drug addiction is the single greatest accomplishment of my life… but it takes work — hard, painful work — but the help is there, in every town and career, drug/drink freed members of society, from every single walk and talk of life to help and guide.

This is a wonderful and valid message, even if Jamie can’t seem to decide whether she prefers dashes or ellipses. I applaud her courage in speaking out about this and in showing compassion toward her fellow addicts. But I thought Jamie Lee Curtis was all anti-cosmetic surgery? What kind of “routine” cosmetic surgery procedure requires pain killers? I mean, they don’t hand that shit out after Botox, or half the 17-year-olds in this country would be complaining about their wrinkles. So, like, how “routinely” do you get lipo, Jamie?

And then there’s this pearl, regarding Jackson and his addiction:

Few children, put into the intense focus of their precious youth being marketed for other’s [sic] pleasure, come out unscathed and with any sense of mental balance. I won’t name names but we all know who they are as they have navigated their fame and falls on the covers of magazines and at the top of news hours. Rarely are the parents really held accountable for the fragile, destroyed youths as many of the young people get the F*&^% away as fast as their agents and lawyers get them… but the imprint is there, it cannot be undone without a painful process of self discovery and as we know… pain needs to be killed… not tolerated and examined.

Cough … Lindsay Lohan … cough. (Remember, they co-starred in Freaky Friday.)

Truly, though, that has to be one of the worst-written paragraphs ever published by he Huffington Post. Why all the ellipses? It’s disjointed and sloppy and poorly punctuated. I’m not even blaming Jamie here. Where are your copy editors, Huffington? Did you lay them all off? Think no one would notice? Think again.

Actor Rupert Everett thinks Michael Jackson’s death is one of the best things that could have happened to the the freakish King of Pop.  I’m not even disrespecting the dead — these are Everett’s words:

I think it was fortuitous that he died,” he said.

“He was supposed to be doing 50 concerts in London. It wouldn’t have mattered how good or bad he was.  He wouldn’t have managed to do all of them and the press would have destroyed him.”

Rupert also claimed that it was the child molestation accusations that caused Michael’s early demise.

“He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel,” Everett told the Daily Mirror.

“He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation – that killed him.  He personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art.”

And though he felt that Jackson was racially confused — “We’re living in very strange times. We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half white man gone black. It’s absolutely fascinating to watch” — he would have bedded the pop star in a minute.  ”I would have leapt at the chance of sleeping with Michael Jackson when I was 14.”

Well, what an asshole.  I’m sure Michael’s family doesn’t think that death was the best option for their son, brother and father.  I know that a major aspect of the art of celebrity is self-promotion, but there have to be more productive ways to keep in the spotlight other than verbally desecrating the dead.

LOOK HOW HIP THE CW IS, YOU GUYS!!!!

The trailer for the upcoming Ashlee Simpson-starring Melrose Place features Britney’s “Circus.” That should be your first clue that this is a really bad trailer. Like, you can take pretty much the shittiest show on television and find some way to make it look compelling in a 60-second trailer. But this? Is a giant fail. I can’t even fathom tuning in for this show.

Law enforcement officials raided the Houston office of Michael Jackson’s doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray.  According to a representative of the physician’s attorney, the DEA was looking for evidence of manslaughter.

“This (raid) was unexpected to us [as opposed to the ever-popular scheduled raid],” Miranda Sevcik, a rep for Murray’s attorney Ed Chernoff, tells PEOPLE. “All this drama is just not necessary, is how we feel. Ed’s not dismayed about it. He’s just trying to figure out what’s going on. But he’s not worried about it.” 

“The coroner wants to clear up the cause of death, we share that goal,” says Chernoff in a statement posted on his firm’s Web site. “We don’t have access to the most important information in this case … the toxicology report. We’re still in the dark like everybody else.” 

So, 15 vehicles worth of police officers, DEA agents and detectives just showed up this morning with a search warrant in hand.  They took 21 documents and a forensic image of a hard drive with them.  According to a source,  ”They are looking for Propofol, along with anything else they find. But Propofol is the big one.” 

I think it’s a fairly safe bet that the good doctor will be receiving visitors at his Nevada office, too.  I also think that someone is going to serve jail time before this is over.

The first trailer is out for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland.  The fantasy flick with major special effects is set to arrive in theaters March 2010.  Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter are set to star with relative newcomer Mia Wasikowska who will portray the title role.