Oh you guys. It’s been a crappy day. It’s been a crappy week and a crappy couple of months. But, for a brief shining moment in time, my life is happy. Why, you ask? Because Douche Reinhardt finally got his comeuppance — he was unceremoniously dumped by the reigning queen of unceremonious dumping, Paris Hilton.

“In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy,” a rep for Hilton says.

Ummmm whatever. Sources say that Douche is DEVASTATED and begging Paris to take him back. No way, Jose! When will you boys learn? Paris is “so in love” for six months, tops. Then she’s over it. It’s no longer hot. Or huge. Or whatever it is she’s calling it these days. YOU ARE NEVER THE EXCEPTION, BOYS!

Seriously though this happened fast. It was just a couple days ago that Doug was answering questions for Paris on the red carpet. I knew she wouldn’t stand for that for long. NEVER attempt to steal Paris Hilton’s spotlight. She will have her revenge!

So long, Douchie. We won’t miss you. Good luck trying to get Amanda Bynes to take you back … or even The Hills.

Woah. Lauren Conrad’s life just got way too meta for me.

If you hadn’t heard by now, Lauren Conrad somehow got a book deal before me. Her debut novel is called L.A. Candy, and it’s “the behind-the scenes story of a young girl who moves to L.A. and unexpectedly becomes the star of a reality television show.” So, ya know, it’s the story of Lauren’s life on Laguna Beach and The Hills.

Now here’s where it gets really weird: Lauren wants to turn the book into a TV show.

“It’s one of my hopes,” said LC, who will hold court tonight at her book party at the Thompson Hotel in Beverly Hills. “We’re going to start working on [adapting it for TV] when I get back from my book tour.”

Ummmmm am I the only person who sees the insanity here? This is like watching a TV in a TV in a TV in a TV. You can’t make a TV show about a young girl who unexpectedly finds herself the star of a reality TV show — because that is the reality TV show. That is the entire premise of The Hills. You may as well have just stayed on The Hills, Lauren. OMG. Help! Brain exploding! I’m stuck in the infinite loop of Lauren Conrad’s career and I can’t get out!

“The only time it will ever affect you in bed is if you have extremely low blood sugar and you go into insulin shock, at which point you won’t be standing up, let alone performing sex. However, I will sometimes hold off on the insulin, which will jack my blood sugar level up to the low 200 range. It’s like how a prizefighter will want to go into the ring with his blood sugar levels high. It gives you the stamina of a bull. So, yes, sometimes I will endanger my own life to pleasure a woman.”

I’d actually like to rename this “Quotables” as “Information We Never Needed To Know.”  Anyway, these are the brilliant words of Poison’s Bret Michaels, talking to Elle about how he’ll completely jeopardize his health in order to get laid.

Oh, and since were talking about Bret Michaels, and I make it a habit to not do that too often, his rep released a statement about his injury, which did include a broken nose, at the Tony Awards the other night:

“With all due respect to everyone working the Tony Awards, somewhere down the line there was a lack of communication and the prop should have been immediately halted until Michaels was clear. Sunday morning at rehearsals, Bret was never informed that the descending set piece existed, let alone would be moving into position as he was exiting the stage.

I find it surprising that a Tony spokesperson would brush off this incident with a comment stating, Mr. Michaels missed his mark,’ with no mention of concern for his condition.If everyone at the Tonys were aware that Bret missed his mark, then they should have been aware enough to stop the set piece from hitting him or at least slowed it down until he cleared the stage. I feel had this incident happened to Liza Minneli, Dolly Parton or Elton John, the Tonys would have at least issued a letter of concern.”

So there you have it.  Bret Michaels is a sexually active idiot with a broken nose.

We deeply examine a lot of critical social issues around here such as Prop 8, major elections, and the Duff sisters latest plastic surgery procedures.  So, today I’d like to lighten things up a bit.

With that mindset in place, I ask you, what’s worse?  Kristin Cavallari in this dress, or…

(more…)

Lindsay and Sam are so definitely back on!  Here are some pics of Linds leaving Sam’s house yesterday morning.  And she wasn’t just leaving, but leaving a half hour after Sam left.  Which means she has keys!  Eek! 

Oh, and can I just remind everyone that this little fashion plate is being considered as a “creative consultant” for Ungaro?  Yeah.

Finally!  Miss California USA Carrie Prejean has been axed from her post.  Unfortunately, the biblical beauty didn’t get fired for making exclusionary comments against the LGBT community.  Turns out, she was just rude and lazy.

The official statement that Donald Trump just made, explains that it really had nothing to do with her religious convictions, just her inability to fulfill her duties:  “I told Carrie she needed to get back to work and honor her contract with the Miss California Organization and I gave her the opportunity to do so.  Unfortunately it just doesn’t look like it is going to happen and I offered Keith my full support in making this decision.”  The “Keith” that Trump mentions is Keith Lewis, head honcho of the company that produces the Miss California USA pageant.

I’m no corporate raider, but perhaps her termination also had something to do with nasty emails that she sent to pageant officials.  TMZ reports that Prejean had a lot of animosity toward the board that approved other appearances that she wanted to participate in.  “You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose [sic] the the [sic] things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice.”  Prejean has yet to learn a most valuable lesson:  When you’re acting like a biznacho, you don’t do it on tape and you don’t put it in writing.  Unless you have a job like mine, at which point all bets are off.

Well, well, well.  I guess another part of the way Carrie was raised was to act like a big, fat wench.  I’m so thrilled that she’s been dethroned.  I figure we won’t hear from her again — until the 2011 season of “I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here,” that is.