I care about this because I have an embarrassing addiction to The Disney Channel. It’s like visual valium to me and a healthy helping of Lizzie McGuire, Hannah Montana, or Wizards of Waverly Place is my equivalent of mainlining wholesome, feelgood, tween happiness. They make me feel calm and happy and like a giant pile of family-friendly mush.

But it’s the end of an era, folks. In an interview with Access Hollywood, Billy Ray Cyrus confirmed that Hannah Montana’s next season will be its last.

“Quite frankly, I give a lot of credit to Miley for taking it to another year,” Cyrus said. “She didn’t want it to just end with whatever was the last episode we did. She wanted it to build to where there’s a moral to the story, to where it doesn’t just end and go away and that’s it. She wanted there to be an official ending to ‘Hannah Montana.’”

Cyrus said they will film the final 11 half-hour long episodes and a one-hour long season finale, all expected to screen in 2010.

In response, The Disney Channel has announced plans to rename itself The Suite Channel of Zack & Cody and air Zack & Cody shows 23 hours a day instead of the previous 22.5 hours.

Meanwhile, I’d like to see some suggestions on what you think this “official ending to Hannah Montana” is going to entail. My guess is someone will turn a wheel in a subterranean cave and the recording studio will vanish just as Miley jumps a shark on a motorcycle.

Can’t go wrong with jumping a shark on a motorcycle.

Being trashy has nothing to do with income level or celebrity status– it’s a state of mind.

Drea de Matteo, whose name you might not really know but whose face you’ll recognize as “That chick that kind of looks like Portia de Rossi who was on The Sopranos” got engaged to her baby daddy Shooter Jennings this past Thursday. Shooter– son of country music legend Waylon Jennings– proposed to Drea onstage during a concert in Utica, NY and tweeted shortly thereafter “Hands off motherfuckers she said yes but she’s mad.”

The two have a two year old daughter together named Alabama Gypsy Rose, who is either named after a truck stop strip club off I-65 near Huntsville or a type of crystal meth.

I’m sure they are lovely people who have for some reason chosen to pass on a tradition of terribly unfortunate naming from father to daughter. I wish the couple nothing but the best, and I promise to continue to create awkward situations by playing his daddy’s songs on the jukebox whenever Shooter shows up at my local bar.

PS- Two words: Coontail bag.

This post is for all of you who’ve ever uttered that phrase.

Here are some pictures of Gisele Bundchen “eating” at a Five Guys. I don’t believe it though. In the one picture that should show her eating, there is a sign conveniently covering the place where the hamburger should be. Even money she’s really holding a radish.

The staff of Five Guys reported hearing gagging noises coming from the bathroom after Bundchen entered, but later discovered several issues of People magazine in the stall and concluded that the model became severely nauseated after reading her own interviews.

A few hours after being kicked off of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, Daniel Baldwin ranted to reporters about the other stars of the show. I use the terms “celebrity” and “stars” here in the loosest sense possible– like, Kate Gosselin’s hymen level of loose. Surprisingly, the bulk of his rants weren’t directed at The Couple Who Must Not Be Named, but at collagen catastrophe Janice Dickinson.

“Janice Dickinson is undereducated and over-medicated,” fumed Baldwin. “I struggle with people who have that sense of entitlement. Like [The Couple Who Must Not Be Named], she [thinks] being annoying will keep her on the show. She urinated in the camp rather than walk an extra 25 steps, she stole food and lied about it… It’s almost a sociopath’s behavior.”

With that couple, I can definitely believe that it was all an act. After all, they have to do something to keep themselves famous, and like a needy, love-starved 3 year old, they figure any attention is good attention. But with Janice, I don’t know. I think her brand of annoying insanity is 100% organic. In fact, it’s probably the only thing about Janice Dickinson that is natural.

Baldwin also fessed up that the experience was nowhere near as hard as he thought it would be and nowhere near as difficult as some of the others were making it out to be.

“There was food, there were cots under cover, there were [toilets] and showers. I thought I’d have to suck the spider venom out of my brother’s arm. But they even have medics there for that.”

I finally watched Twilight last week, not because of any personal inclination, but I figured I should do some research. Glittery disco vampires aside, throughout the movie I watched Kristen Stewart and kept thinking, “Holy crap. This girl is the next Lindsay Lohan.” It’s something about the awkward, stilted acting and her awkward, spacey personality in interviews and at awards shows. This chick is doomed. But at least we can look forward to all of the gossip website fodder she’s going to provide in the future. Beet, meet your next cash cow.

As if to confirm my predictions, Kristen got a new haircut this weekend for her role in an upcoming biopic about Joan Jett. Even though it’s for a role, I consider it just one signpost on the road to drinking binges, poorly applied orangey fake tans, and other forms of Lohan-esque trailer park infamy.

Contradicting reports that the douche is devastated and begging Paris to take him back, Doug Reinhardt has released a statement that I’m sure is completely true and is in no way a sad attempt to mollify his painfully damaged douche pride.

“Doug refuses to take part of this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris
and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck.” Guess he doesn’t think Ronaldo will be “The One?” And to add to it all, sources close to Doug told us, “Contrary to reports, Paris is begging him to take her back, she made a mistake and loves him 100%.”

100% minus the 70% that has had Ronoldo’s dick implanted in it over the last few days. Because we all know Paris Hilton is 70% vagina. I’m not sure what the other 30% is.

Expect to see more statements like this, followed by outlandish claims about all the chicks he’s supposedly banged, the size of his schlong, and lots and lots of Jager bombs.