Gossip Girl’sMichelle Trachtenberg at the Crystal Lucy awards — doesn’t that sound like some sort of porn performance accolade? — wearing something that resembles the foil wrapped around a baked potato.

I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate myself on not mentioning Michelle’s calves this time.  I’m maturing.

I don’t know what troubles me the most about this video of Paris Hilton giving all her “fans” the grand tour of her closet — a space so vast that it could easily house about sixty Slumdog Millionaire child actors.

For one thing, I hate when grown women — women with careers and means of their own — get on video and start talking like little girls.  What is with that cutesy babydoll, head tilt thing so many women do?  It’s 2009 ladies!

Secondly, it frightens me that Paris is a self-proclaimed fashion designer and didn’t know that “this…uh…pattern,” is called ” uh…houndstooth.” 

Other than that, the vid is a fairly entertaining view of excess personified.  When a celebrity has a four-drawer tights dresser, it might be time to pare down. 

Oh, and if you can handle the seven “a lot” references that occur in the first couple minutes, it’s pretty priceless to see her talk about her “Oscar of the fragrance world” at 2:47.

I really wanted to title this post “Carnie Wilson’s Fetus Couldn’t Hold On For One More Day,” but then I realized that sounded really morbid and I didn’t want to scare you all into thinking something went wrong.

Singer and game show host Carnie Wilson gave birth to a 6 lbs, 5 oz. baby girl, Luciana Bella Bonfiglio on Friday.  The newest addition joins their four-year-old daughter Lola Sofia.

Carnie currently hosts GSN’s Newlywed Game.  I am ashamed to admit that I’ve watched it more than three times — it’s really bad — and that I make my husband play along with me.  Carnie is creepy, bordering on lecherous as she inquires for further details about the contestant’s whoopie sessions.

Ick!  Anyway, congrats to Carnie and her “musician” husband.

Ah, I’m just kidding!  Bruce and his wife Emma Heming did do a really explicit bondage photo shoot for July’s issue of W, though. 

The pictoral accompanied an interview with the couple where they talked about boring stuff like love and not wanting to spend a minute apart.  Bleah.  Willis also mentioned that he instructed his assistant to punch him in the face if he ever spoke of remarrying.  Here’s hoping she was working out regularly in the days leading up to their engagement announcement.

Check out the spread — you never knew I could be so literal –and riddle me this:  How do you think Rumer, Scout and Tallulah feel about seeing their Daddy and step-mommy getting their S&M on?

“It just dawned on me that this is our last show ever in the United States.  Don’t be sad. I’ll keep going. But I think I’m going to lose my fuc*ing mind if I keep doing this, and I have to stop.”

Nine Inch Nails singer Trent Reznor, to the audience at the Bonnaroo Music Festival yesterday in Tennessee.

Mel Gibson’s girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, mostly known for getting knocked up by famous leading men, is actually quite a musical talent.  She’s a classically trained pianist and is releasing an album titled Beautiful Heartbreak.

Oksana defines the song “Say My Name” (no relation to Destiny’s Child), a tune she co-wrote with Mel Gibson, as “naked, intimate, raw emotion, little more than piano and voice as if it is a cry from the soul.”  You can hear it here.

And, I don’t know.  All the bloggers are comparing the song to the sounds of dying cats and nails on a chalkboard and Scarlett Johansson.  What do you think?  I actually didn’t think it was that horrible.