I suppose it’s not any big secret that Michael Jackson isn’t the biological father of his children. That’s because the children are white. It’s something that we all knew but didn’t discuss, and people would throw out comments like, “Well, you know, just because someone has one black parent doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to look black.” And, ya know, maybe that’s true, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that they’re not going look like little Swedish kids either. It was obvious these weren’t his biological kids.

Now Us Weekly claims they’ve found the real father — an LA-based dermatologist named Arnold Klein, who was Debbie Rowe’s boss at one point, and who is white.

“He is the dad,” says a Jackson insider. “He and Debbie signed an agreement saying they would never reveal the truth.”

I wonder what kind of impact — if any — something like this will have on the custody proceedings.

As if I wasn’t astounded enough to read that Simon Cowell was paid $36M last season for his role on American Idol, his contract for next year offers up a salary of — having paralysis of the fingers trying to type this out — $144M. 

I’m not a faithful AI viewer but doesn’t he just sit there and sigh and make fun of Paula?  Because anyone can do that.  Hell, I do it for free.  Is there some other value-added service he provides that I don’t know about? 

Now that he’ll be making the big bucks maybe he can get his moobs reduced.  Just a thought…

Rihanna looked alternately trashy and fierce in New York City this week.

She cut an impressive figure as she exited the Gramercy Park Hotel last night on her way to 1 Oak.  That’s in pretty stark contrast to earlier in the day when she wore cut-offs, an orange lace bra and an unbuttoned shirt (though thankfully, she did button up while shopping at Barney’s).

Rihanna looks so much happier in really recent pictures.  Now that this Chris Brown court case (and hopefully their relationship) is behind her — save her very stupid desire to have the restraining order removed — she has lots of reasons to smile.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have released a photo of their new family with the addition of newborn twins Marion and Tabitha.

When I looked up the babies’ names — contrary to popular belief, I don’t have all these names committed to memory – I learned something totally random:  SJP, MB, and their son James are all left-handed.  Fascinating, I know!   Then I looked at Sarah’s arms and learned something else:  Rent-A-Uterus is totally the way to go.  She looks fantastic for being a brand new mom!

It’s really difficult to write about celebrities every day.  It may look easy, but there are only so many ways you can communicate that Michael Jackson is dead or that Chris Brown punched Rihanna or that the Gosselins hate each other.  How many variations can there really be on “Lindsay is high” or “Sam Ronson is ugly”?  Or “Mischa is high and ugly”?

Everyone once in a while the pictures do the storytelling for me — today is one of those days — and I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have the brief reprieve.  In case you aren’t getting the story, I’ll give you the briefest of summary: 

Once upon a time there was a talentless starlet who had nothing more to do with her time than show up at Harrod’s.  She posed with dogs, couldn’t stand up straight, completely overdid her eye makeup and completely underestimated the importance of a bra.  The end.

With great joy and without further ado, I present ye with snapshots of Mischa Barton appearing at the Harrod’s Summer Sale opening.

First off, if you’re not watching My Life on the D-List, you’re missing out on one of the best shows on TV. Kathy Griffin is a comedic genius, just hands-down hilarious. In last night’s episode, she was trying to expand her fan base by getting in with “young Hollywood,” and, to do that, she went shopping with Paris Hilton.

This was all going reasonably well, with Paris being no more obnoxious than the absolute minimum we can expect from her (“Sorry, I just like to pose while I stand”), when Paris decides, with no leading on the part of Kathy, to weigh in on the very pressing issue of blow jobs: “I never do that. My mom always taught me, ‘Only ugly girls need to go down on their knees and do things like that.’” Ummmmm, really, Paris? (In case you couldn’t guess, that link is NSFW.)

Later in the show, Kathy asks how tall she is, and she says she’s 5’8″. I know that’s the standard party line for Paris’s height, but I’ve seen the girl in person without heels, and I have a really hard time believing she’s taller than I am (I’m 5’7″ … for reals). In fact, I have a hard time believing she’s taller than about 5’5″. I’ve stood next to Nicky on more than one occasion, and that girl’s exactly five feet tall, on a good day. If you look at pictures of Paris and Nicky next to each other, without shoes on, like this one, it’s pretty hard to believe that she’s that much taller than her sister.

And it brings us back to the time she told Larry King she’d never ever ever done drugs in her life, despite the countless leaked photos of her doing drugs. Why does this girl insist on publicly lying about things that can be easily proven to be lies? What sort of bizarre, narcissistic world does she live in where she can just say whatever and assume the whole world will believe it to be true despite tremendous evidence to the contrary? It is so annoying. Equally as annoying as the assumption that oral sex is for ugly people. Maybe, just maybe, it’s for people who actually care about finding multiple ways to pleasure their partner, because they have some sort of awareness that other people exist and have value. BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU, PARIS?