Three days ago, Star Magazine released an article claiming that Britney Spears became engaged to her agent, Jason Trawick, last month while the two vacationed in the Bahamas together.

“He didn’t exactly get down on one knee, but Brit didn’t care. She said yes, and they opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate,” says an insider. “Jason held Britney for a long time and kissed her cheeks. They talked about their future for hours and didn’t go to sleep until after 3 a.m.! They just wanted to be alone together.”

The article goes on to say that Britney is planning to wed in December when her Circus tour wraps, and  wants the wedding to look like a “fairytale”, not “trashy” like her previous two trips down the aisle.

Yesterday, People Magazine released an article refuting the rumors of engagement. Their source claims there is “no truth to it at all,” and “Britney is not engaged.”

So I guess you just have to compare and decide for yourself which magazine has more reputable reporting: Star or People? Which is a bit like comparing the relative safety levels of unprotected sex on an airplane that is crashing into a pile of white supremacist Ebola cobras and…. knitting.

Jobs has been dealing with an “undisclosed medical condition” and has been on leave from Apple since January. Speculation about the return of the pancreatic cancer with which he was diagnosed in 2004 has been causing the price of Apple stock to have more ups and downs than Lindsay Lohan on a cocaine and Xanex binge.

Since many see Jobs’ return to the helm of Apple twelve years ago, and the subsequent release of a little product called the iPod, as the sole reason for the company’s current success, fears abound that the company could quickly go down the crapper if Jobs weren’t around any more.

Now, the Wall Street Journal is reporting that about two months ago, Jobs received a liver transplant at a hospital in Tennessee. The entire procedure was kept very hush-hush, and Jobs still has not explained exactly what his health problem is. He had previously attributed it to a “hormonal imbalance,” but pancreatic cancer often metastasizes to other organs, particularly the liver.

Jobs is said to be doing well and is expected to be back at work, at least part time, within a few months.

Right now, half of you are very worried about the CEO’s health and are incredulous that somehow Jobs managed to have a liver transplant without the whole world finding out. The other half of you are going, “ZOMG, WTF Who cares? Who is this old guy? More Lindsay Lohan titty pics!” But the half of you that thought that have probably already quit reading this, so I can just tell you to piss off.

Chifundo “Mercy” James was flown out of Malawi via private jet on Friday and was expected to meet Madonna in London on Saturday morning. Although Madge wasn’t actually present to pick the kid up, Mercy was accompanied by a nanny, a baby nurse and another children’s aide.

I almost adopted a kitten today. I agonized over it for about an hour, then finally my good sense got the better of me and I decided it wouldn’t be fair to the kitten to take sole responsibility for its tiny life when I am so busy all the time, am often out of town, and won’t be able to give it the attention and stability it needs…

And if I had adopted it, I would have at least driven it home from the shelter myself.

Miley Cyrus was looking less than excited while filming on location for The Last Song in Tybee Island, Georgia. A brief smile errupts after she’s introduced to some shirtless, evil looking douche with a frat strap, but the rest of the time Miley looks really tired. And miserable. And like she’s got some chicken stuck in her teeth, y’all. She gouges at her gums in more than a few shots and doesn’t even remove her chicken pickin’ finger from her mouth when she shakes the guy’s hand.

It must be difficult for Jennifer Aniston to eat out, considering that she hast to be in a relationship with someone in order to eat dinner with them.

Late Friday night, Jen was spotted having a late dinner with The Hangover start Bradley Cooper. According to the manager, the two were “very nice and chatty.” Given that they also went to a party together in May, gossip bloggers consider this irrefutable evidence that the two are now engaged and she is pregnant with his love spawn.

I’m not going to hand Beet the tissue box and Jennifer Aniston-shaped voodoo doll just yet because according to the manager, the two didn’t drink any alcohol during their “dinner date.” Perhaps I’m just a whiskey-soaked slut, but have you ever been on a late Friday night date (with someone who was not fresh out of a 12 step program) that didn’t involve alcohol?

That may be more of a sad commentary on my romantic life than proof that these two aren’t dating, but I’m not biting on this one just yet.

Priceless little quotes coming out of the AEG party at Club Nokia last night.

From Paris’s mother, Kathy Hilton:

“I think Paris needs to be with someone who is a bit more mature, older and has their own thing.”

And from her aunt, Kyle Richards, who’s definitely more of a famewhore than Kathy:

“The stories out there about our family not approving of their relationship are completely true. Doug was riding Paris’ coattails. The break-up affected me in a good way. It’s definitely time for Paris to move on.”

Oooh, I love it! I’m actually cackling to myself. I am rejoicing in Douche’s pain! Seriously I have had the worst PMS all day and I’ve been so grumpy but suddenly I am happy and all is well in the world again. I hope Kyle decides to extend this particular fifteen minutes a little further by dishing even more dirt about Paris and The Douche.