Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Brangelina Splits! Again!


I make it a policy to only report every tenth “Brad and Angelina Are Over!” story that gets floated out to the internet and today is that day.

As the Enquirer reports it in their Breaking News section, Brangie’s appearance at Cannes was staged for the media in hopes that no one would know that the truth:  they are ovah! 

After months of behind-the-scenes battles, it’s finally over between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Hollywood’s most glamorous power couple – who never married despite having six children – have grown tired of trying to gloss over their problems following five tumultuous years together, say sources.

Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.

“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.

“It’s an official split.”

Listen, this is all crap.  I just report these stories as a trial run for the real deal.  Of course, when the inevitable break-up actually does happen, it’s not like any of us will believe it. 

To recap:  Brangie aren’t pregnant, adopting, broken up or interesting.

15 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Every time is see “enquirer” in a story my real brain turns off and my 13 year old self emerges screaming “oooh this should be fun!”
    then I think of Batboy and alien sculls. fun stuff.

  • I love how it says they never married “despite having six children”. I didn’t know you had to be married to have kids, don’t tell my daughter, she apparently isn’t supposed to be.

    • You SHOULD be married if you’re going to have kids. Don’t don’t jump all over me for this. I don’t feel like going all into it, but you just should.

      • *gets on jumping shoes*
        “I don’t feel like going all into it, but you just should.”
        Now there’s a strong argument. Since when does a loving, caring couple need to get married before they have children in order to earn societies approval. Does it also have to be a church wedding? What about the gay couples who want to adopt or employ a surrogate but still don’t have the right to marry? I’m sorry, i know this is exactly what you didn’t want but it really bothers me when people just toss out a narrow-minded opinion and act like it’s a some sort of unwritten law.

      • Amen, sister. Kids deserve better than a baby daddy.

        The good news is, those of us smart enough to marry, then breed, will have kids who do better in school, are healthier, and are less likely to stay out of jail! It’s Darwinism for the 21st century.

      • Tell this to all of the men, all around the world, throughout human history, who have refused to use a condom before they had sex with women. Tell this to all to all of the women, married or not, who have been abandoned with these men’s children.

        Tell this to the 50% of couples who divorce. Tell this to the women in polygamous sects who are “married” as young teenagers to middle-aged men who they scarcely know.

        Tell this to the child brides all around the world who are married under the same conditions. Tell this to the people who have arranged marriages that satisfy only their parents economic and social priorities.

        Marriage alone doesn’t accomplish, love, fidelity, loyalty, kindness, commitment or anything that a person needs to be happy. Sorry.

    • Well I think the point she’s making, and that I agree with, is that if you’re committed enough to have six children, marriage is a pretty logical step to take.

      • It may be a logical step to some people, but everyone is different. Also, Jessica specifically said”You SHOULD be married if you’re going to have kids”. She did not mention six kids or even Brad and Angelina specifically. it was just a blanket statement for all couples. And again, there are only 5(?) states that allow gay marriage. So for all those gay and lesbian couples who are committed enough to have x amount of children, if they don’t live in on of those 5(?) states, they’re kinda screwed.

  • Does anybody know just what the HELL happened to her forehead? Has it always been that way??? Face-lift, maybe?

  • Breaking news: Angelina has opened a refugee camp inside her uterus!

    In all seriousness the Enquirer is the type of newspaper that will go to any lengths to get a scoop, (e.g kidnapping Brooke Shields mom) and they have a tendency to be right as well. (Hello, John Edwards?) And who knows, all this alien crap could be true.

    • Don’t forget the other scoops:

      Patrick Swayze
      Vanessa Hudgens nude photos (they reported that 1 months before they hit the net)