Wanna know how you can be sure Lindsay Lohan’s wasted? I’ll pause here while you all respond “She’s breathing?” No, no, you can tell Lindsay Lohan’s wasted because she does these stupid poses on the red carpet. Sober Lindsay is a red carpet superstar — every pose, every camera glance is a total win. When she’s wasted she does this same dumb stuff and it just looks ridiculous. It’s always a dead giveaway.

Here’s wasted Lohan with sis Ali at a Teen.com party in Hollywood on Monday night.

Oh, and Us Weekly has a piece today about how Lindsay’s abusing Adderall. Tomorrow I hear they’re running pieces about how the Dodgers are a baseball team and Richard Simmons prefers sex with dudes.

Hmmmmm. This sure is fishy. Hayden Panettiere grabbed lunch at Katsuya with her married co-star, 44-year-old Adrian Pasdar. Now this alone is not fishy, but then it gets weird: The entire restaurant was closed for the three hours they were there. No other customers were allowed inside. Plus, they left holding hands.

Adrian is married to Dixie Chicks frontwoman Natalie Maines, and the couple have two children. Now I’m not necessarily saying this means he’s dating Hayden, but, if he isn’t, this is a REALLY stupid situation for him to put himself in, considering that Hayden has a history of shacking up with her older co-stars. There are many, many ways to have private, quality time with your platonic friends. Leaving one of the most paparazzi-friendly restaurants in LA holding hands with a 19-year-old is not one of the methods I’d recommend. Either they’re hooking up or they’re two of the stupidest image-managers in Hollywood. Or maybe just both.

Welcome back, Phelpsy! After serving out his three-month suspensions for the wacky tobacky, Michael Phelps is back in the pool and back on the competitive swimming circuit.

He’ll return to competition next week at a meet in Charlotte, N.C. It will be his first time swimming competitively since the Beijing Olympics.

“I’m happy to be back in the water and be back in semi-shape,” said Phelps, who’s lost almost 20 pounds in last two months. “I’m sort of getting back into racing shape and getting ready to race my first race since Beijing. We’ll see how it’s goes. I’m happy to have some structure back in my life.”

Phelpsy’s lost almost 20 pounds? That’s cool. I’m sure they didn’t come off the part of him I’m interested in, anyway.

I hope someone in Charlotte is bringing the weed.

PS — Love the new Speedo, Phelpsy!

“I had a talk with her and I said, “I think everyone in America knows why I won’t accept Charlie.” But what people don’t know is that he’s a bad influence on her. She’s not staying as healthy as she should be. He’s 19, he can party his ass off. She’s 48. I said, “Mom, if you want to have a relationship with me you have to dump Charlie.” It’s not because of his age. If he were 5 years old and a good influence on her then that would better. But I’m just not happy with the situation because of their poor judgment — with what they do … I know there are things that could damage her health and make her get old really quick. I don’t want to see that happen. I’m trying to stick to the tough love thing. I’m just staying away until she wakes up. In order for me to keep my sanity, I have to love her from afar. We are totally different women. I’m straightlaced, don’t do drugs, stick to my regimen. It’s different there.”

Brooke Hogan, initiating Phase 2 of Operation Tough Love, coded Selling Out Mom’s Drug Habit to the Tabloids Because I Have a TV Show and an Album to Promote.

Robert Pattinson like you’ve never seen him before!!! Check out this clip of the actor getting hot and heavy with Javier Beltran in Little Ashes, the upcoming Salvador Dali biopic. Toward the end it gets kind of serious and sad, but the first half is just total hotness. Way sexier than anything from Twilight.

It’s just the month of new singles around here. Everyone’s releasing or “leaking” them. Here’s a “leak” of Leighton Meester’s single from her upcoming debut album. It’s called “Birthday.” It’s way better than that crap Paula Abdul just released, but it’s definitely not Taylor Swift quality.