Beefy Saint Oprah, friend to absolutely positively everyone in the entire universe as long as they hold her personal belief system, spent a large part of her night hanging with First Lady Michelle Obama last evening at Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World dinner.  I actually find it surprising that the centerpiece survived and wasn’t consumed in the wake of O’s feeding time.  And yes, I am aware that my yet-to-be-written book now has no chance of being Oprah’s Book of the Month Club pick-I’m at peace with it.

Oprah’s minions were there such as Suze Chiclets Orman and Gayle King.  Also, all the wenches from The View appeared amongst the sea of black dresses as well as Claire Danes, Jimmy Fallon and his wife in yet another sleeveless dress, Kate Hudson and two other names that I’ve just been dying to put next to one another:  Billie Jean King and Ann Coulter.

As it turns out, Ronnie Spector’s stretch marks weren’t the only completely offensive disaster at the Costume Institute Gala on Monday evening.

There are conflicting reports on what prompted the scuffle but the one detail that everyone seems to agree upon is that Kiefer Sutherland’s head smashed into the cranium of designer Jack McCollough.

According to a police report, Kiefer who is currently on parole from his last DUI, head-butted and broke the nose of clothing designer Jack McCollough who is one half of Proenza Schouler.

Some people are saying that McCollough knocked Brooke Shields to the ground and Sutherland came to her defense.  Her rep has already released a “We don’t know nothin’ ” statement.  Some claim, and this sounds the most likely to me, that the designer accidentally bumped into Kiefer and he responded with a head-butt.  No matter the motivation for the fracas, most accounts portray Kiefer as being drunk.

And really, no matter what happened, Kiefer Sutherland is just the dumbest man alive.  Was jail just so enjoyable that he can’t wait to get back?

This is why we CANNOT STOP TALKING about domestic violence and its HORRIFIC consequences.

A four-month-old boy died from blunt trauma to the head after being thrown out of a moving car by his mother’s ex-boyfriend following a domestic dispute.

Blog commenters can talk all they want about how “Rihanna started it” or “Rihanna was asking for” or whatever other insane nonsense they want to throw at the problem to cover up their own insecurities, but this baby can’t be faulted a bit. And the end result of the domestic violence in his home was his death.

Domestic violence is NEVER NEVER NEVER acceptable. If you live with a relationship like this, ask for help. Leave. Get the police involved if you need to. You can leave NOW and protect yourself and your family. The Domestic Violence Hotline can help you find a shelter: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Read the full story here.

Oooh, exciting news for women in comedy! Following in Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler’s footsteps, Mindy Kaling — who both writes on The Office and stars as Kelly — has signed a two-year, seven-figure deal where she will continue to write for and appear on The Office next season while simultaneously developing a comedy in which she would also star.

“This is my first step in a Transformers-style way to take over the whole world,” Kaling joked. “I’ve only ever worked for NBC, and I’ve felt an enormous amount of support from the executives there.”

It’s SO FANTASTIC to see funny women recognized and cultivated by the brass at a major network. And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t care what anyone says, I think Parks & Recreation is a riot. It’s brilliantly written (by Amy Poehler). I hope NBC gives it some time to flesh out before they scrap it, and I’m looking forward to watching whatever Mindy comes up with.

On a totally unrelated note, thank you for all your contributions to the Evil Beet Catpics Twitter Challenge. I have about a billion cat photos on my hard drive now and I’m loving it! You still have time to contribute! Send the pics to me via Twitter (you can follow me here) with the hashtag #catpics. I’m either going to run the gallery Wednesday night or Thursday night, or, really, just as soon as I figure out how to get WordPress to let you guys vote on a winner. (Are you a WP guru who might know how to do this? Email me.)

Hooooooly be-jeesus! I’m trying to watch American Idol in peace tonight (I LOVE YOU ADAM!) and I keep getting bombarded by text messages and emails about this story that broke tonight. Us Weekly claims they have confirmed that Jon is cheating on Kate with 23-year-old Deanna Hummel, despite the fact that she’s denied it. And who’s confirming it? Why, her older brother (and roommate), of course.

“She’s a nice girl, not a homewrecker,” her brother Jason says. “He is a bad liar. This isn’t healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air.”

Ummmmm, you are helping NOBODY here but yourself, Jason. How much did the tabloid pay you for the “help” you’re providing to them?

And then it gets even grosser:

After Jon and Deanna met in mid-January at Chill Lounge in Reading, Pennsylvania (they sent each other $3 shots), Jason says Jon — who has twins, 8, and sextuplets, 5 — began relentlessly pursuing his sister. By mid-February, he was coming over to their Reading house.

On April 26 – while his wife Kate was traveling – Jon had Deanna over to sunbathe in his family’s front lawn. This was just seven days after they had first been photographed together at Legends Lounge at 2 a.m. in pictures that show he is not wearing his wedding band.

At the Hummel house, Jason says Deanna and Jon would “pretty much stay locked away like two teenagers. It was weird. He’s a grown man.”

He also adds, “A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.”

Ick! Nast! (Are they sure this is Deanna’s older brother?)

It’s not that I didn’t see this coming, but it’s still really heart-breaking. I mean, the sextuplets may be young enough to be sheltered from this, but you better believe Mady and Cara know exactly what’s going on here. No one should have to read about their father cheating in the tabloids. Then again, no one should have to be married to Kate Gosselin, either.

My dad just forwarded me an email about a debate going on between two churches in the Southern US about whether or not dogs can go to heaven. The best part? The debate is happening via their signs out front. I had to share it with you guys.

Dogs DO go to heaven!!!! I know my little Charlie is up in heaven with my grandma, looking after me and Leo and the kitties. No debate in my mind. Sorry, Presbyterians!