When I originally started typing the headline for this story, I typed “Sex Tap” by mistake.  Really, it would have been totally appropriate.

Deanna Hummel, the twenty-three year-old school teacher who was photographed driving Jon Gosselin’s car, has a sex tape.  This is so not surprising but it is disappointing that Jon Gosselin doesn’t make an appearance in it.  I like to think TLC, you know-the Two Lying Cheaters channel, would be interested in getting the rights to that.   I am just so uncool about these things having never had a love-cam in my own bedroom.

But this isn’t about me.  It’s about some scumbag ex-boyfriend of Deanna’s that bought her name as the domain to post four extremely NSFW still shots from their homemade video.   He’s taking offers.  He’ll start out at some ridiculously huge and inflated asking price like a million bucks and eventually unload it for six thousand.  Mr. Flabby Abs alludes to a history of Deanna screwing married dudes.  However, don’t we have to take everything this dude says with a grain of salt?

Hello world! This is a site owned by one of Deanna Hummel’s ex-boyfriends.

When I read the news about her alleged affair with Jon Gosselin from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I have to say I wasn’t surprised.

The Deanna I knew wasn’t above cheating, even with married men, hence our eventual breakup. During our time together we made a secret amateur sex tape. It wasn’t a hidden cam or anything, she was totally aware of the fact that I was taping. This has never been available to the public before. And it still isn’t…yet! But I am shopping this tape and am currently in negotiations with sites like porn.com about selling it.

Can we take bids on how long it will take before Deanna Hummel gets fired from her teaching job for being too distracting of an influence?

“It’s not excusable what I did. I went way overboard. A lot of it was to do with the scene we were doing and stupid as it may sound to a lot of people, my character was going through a great deal in that particular scene. The person on the receiving end is a grown man. Believe me, he really wasn’t fazed by it … Like I said, I had it coming. It should never have been recorded. It was recorded for jollies. But I’m not trying to cover up. So there’s not embarrassment in that I wanted to keep it hidden. I’d done it in front of a whole lot of people. I take full responsibility for it. I’ve never said anything different. I’m not blaming it on anything. I took it a bit too far.”

Christian Bale, discussing his infamous rant on the Terminator: Salvation set in a new interview with Esquire. Above find my favorite little remix of the rant, which includes a brief cameo by Barbara Streisand.

Kate Gosselin appeared on the Today Show this morning to plug her new book, “Eight Little Faces.”  Honestly, most of the people who watched the interview tuned in to see if she would speak of her husband, Jon.  He was supposed to be there as were all eight children but that plan was scratched at the last minute.  I wonder why?  Men are such wimps.

Anyway, Kate has segued from staunch support of her husband to being “very hesitant to believe any of it.”  I think Jon Gosselin did cheat and I think he told his wife.  Therefore, when he eventually admits to his wayward loins, all of America will sympathize with Kate I Was The Last To Know Gosselin.

As an aside, I love when people write books or record albums and then go on national television to say that they don’t care if anyone buys their goods.  Seriously?  Pretentious.  When I write a book, I hope to sell a mother effing ton of them.  Is that clear enough?

Also, does anyone know exactly what drug they shot Kate up with?  And where I might be able to get some?

Ryan O’Neal, in an interview with People, spoke of Farrah Fawcett, her health and their twenty-seven year relationship.

O’Neal who is now Farrah’s caretaker lamented, “It’s a love story. I just don’t know how to play this one. I won’t know this world without her.  Cancer is an insidious enemy.”  You can tell how connected these two are, yet I found this quote so troubling:  “A week ago Farrah said to me, ‘Am I going to make it?’ I said, ‘Yes, you’ll make it. And if you don’t, I’ll go with you.’”

After a couple years of new technology cancer treatments that aren’t available in the U.S. yet, the verdict was in:  her cancer was back and had spread to other body parts including her liver.  Ryan said, “She stays in bed now. The doctors see that she is comfortable. Farrah is on IVs, but some of that is for nourishment. The treatment has pretty much ended.”

Through all this, their son Redmond has been in jail due to a parole violation.  However, Farrah is unaware of her son’s troubles and Ryan thinks that’s for the best.  “Farrah doesn’t know Redmond’s in trouble.  And Redmond is terrified for his mother. ‘I don’t want to be in jail and have some guard tell me she is gone,’ he said to me. I told him, ‘She’s rebounding.’ I lied to him. I lie to her. It’s the best thing.”

Through Fawcett’s cancer struggle, she has videotaped the highs and lows, good news received and bad news dealt.  It has all been turned into a documentary put together with the help of her best friend Alana Stewart.  Farrah’s Story will air on NBC May 15th.

You may remember a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned a Nightline interview in which Paula Abdul offered up her medical records as a means to prove that she has never been addicted to anything.  She actually claimed she had never even been drunk which was a shame since that was the only explanation I previously had to explain her wardrobe.

Just a couple days ago, Beet told you all about how Paula was finally coming clean about coming clean.  She granted an interview to Ladies Home Journal in which she talked about how she could have killed herself, the pain of withdrawal and rehab.

Well now Paula claims that her comments were taken out of context.  Which I can totally see. Have you seen the way those hardcore bastards over at LHJ will twist facts just to sell magazines?  I can’t tell you how many “The Benefits Of Calcium” articles I had to read in their publication before I caught on to their malicious intent.

So the newest episode of Abdulmentia looks like this:  Paula called into Detroit’s Mojo in the Morning radio show today to debunk any addiction talk.  According to Abdul, she never told LHJ that she was addicted to painkillers and never said she went to rehab despite the magazine’s use of direct quotes.

Of course, in the same radio interview, she also said Kara DioGuardi is a “dear friend” so I think that right there proves she’s a liar.

Above:  video of Paula performing her new single ” Here For The Music” on American Idol last night.  Ironically, the performance was lip-synched.  It starts at the one minute mark.

Lindsay Lohan continues her self-fulfilling prophecy tribute to Marilyn Monroe in a photo shoot for Spanish Vogue.  Listen, I think we all know that Lindsay is probably going to meet an early demise with pills scattered all around her skeleton-it’s a completely plausible theory.  But that’s really where the similarities end between the two.  The main difference between Marilyn and Linds is that Marilyn actually worked, cranking out a couple of movies each year of her career.  Oh, and Monroe actually ate food.  Why are celebs so eager to represent dead, tragic legends?

Speaking of tragic, it sounds like Lohan and Sam Ronson may be relapsing back to the days of yore.  So stay tuned for more Twittering,  more sidewalk brawls, more pisssed off neighbors, more coke!