Ashton Kutcher is a pretty passionate Twitterer.  He was the first to reach one million followers beating out CNN.  He actually issued a little challenge, promising to knock on the door of Ted Turner’s home if he was able to outrace CNN to the one million mark.  No one said he was the brightest bulb on the tree.

Anyway, blogger Jonah Perreti made a joke that he was offended that he tweeted a message to Kutcher and didn’t get a reply.  Read here for the full explanation and the recording of the message he received on his answering machine from Kutcher himself.  I guess it’s nice that he cares, but again-not the brightest bulb on the tree.

“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve every learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’  I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault.  I’m just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores.  It’s just there. It’s something I don’t have to turn on.”

Megan Fox explaining how her sex appeal overshadows her intelligence to Esquire, June issue.

I promise you, that’s my only egg joke on this entire post.  Apparently, Lindsay went a little nuts last night pitching a fit and eggs over the fence of her house.  You can’t actually see that it’s Lohan hurling the little chicken abortions but aren’t we all in agreement that it’s totally her?  Doesn’t she know we’re in a recession?  Throwing perfectly good food at the heads of paparazzi just seems so irresponsible.  Couldn’t she throw some leggings instead?

Also, what kind of car is that parked outside her house and what the hell happened to the finish of it?

I knew all this crazy Lindsay stuff wasn’t going to be over with any time soon.  She’s eggceptionally insane.  Oops.

Dina Lohan wants us to be nice to her for Mother’s Day.  I make no Promises.  Promises…get it?  The place where all Dina’s kids will eventually go to sober up.

America’s favorite Mom talked to People about the harsh and unearned criticism she is confronted with.  “We just wish people would leave us alone-at least for Mother’s Day!”  Yes, Dina.  I’m so sure you wish to be left alone.  And what better way to be left alone than to attend every high profile Hollywood event that you can get yourself into?

Despite reports that Lohan tries to get her fifteen-year-old into clubs, she also is making sure little Ali is getting an education.  Ali is in a home-schooling program.  She has never been pulled out of school.  It’s the same home-schooling program that Lindsay was in since the tenth grade. It’s a wonderful program that many celebrities are enrolled in.”  Wait-a home-schooling program that Lindsay participated in?  I wonder what type of grades Ali will pull in Joint Rolling 102 and Introduction to Cocaine.

Other than that, Ali is recording an album and working on a clothing line-perhaps a compliment to Lindsay’s leggings.  Personally, I wish they’d all just get started on their handbag lines and Lifetime movie careers.

Earlier this week Marin talked over on Zelda Lily about Bristol Palin’s new abstinence initiative.  She has joined with the Candie’s Foundation along with, and prepare for hysterical laughter here, Hayden Panettiere to talk about the only 100% effective form of birth control:  abstinence.

I started reading up on this Candie’s Foundation and I must tell you, I’m more confused than ever.  I think they promote abstinence but then Hayden was quoted as saying, “There’s a lot of different viewpoints on sex, and I’m not someone who will ever boo-hoo anything or say, ‘This is not right,’ or, ‘This is wrong.  You’re going to do what you’re going to do, but at the end of the day, it’s okay as long as you educate yourself, as long as you’re safe, as long as you’re smart.  It’s a topic that’s not talked about enough.”

So there you are ladies!  Straight from the mouth of Hayden Pantyline.  Do whatever you want, it’s okay!  I’m so relieved…I wouldn’t want Hayden boo-hooing my choices.  What an idiot!  Oh, and speaking of faking abstinence, Hayden was recently overheard talking about David Duchovny’s sex addiction woes and said to a friend, “Well if I had to be addicted to something, it would be sex!”

Oh, Lance Armstrong.  If he wasn’t busy with his knocked-up girlfriend, I’d so be trying to fix him up with Jennifer Aniston.  Why?  Because his biography, the imaginatively titled “Lance”, is coming out this summer and he talks about his break up with Sheryl Crow.  I know, I know-haven’t we all just been haunted, wondering “why?” ever since their split three years ago?  Anyway, I was thinking Lance and Jen would be the perfect couple.  They could get together and lament about Brad and Sheryl and we could all try to determine which of the four of them is the most tan.

As I’m pretty sure I said last December, Lance and Sheryl broke up in 2006 because they were in different places in their lives.  “Different places” is always code for “I don’t want kids,” or “I’m gay.”  She moved on and adopted a baby boy and he got his girlfriend pregnant because he thought his spermies were all dead soldiers.

In conclusion, this is what happens to you when there is a slow news day.  I talk about long-ended relationships that no one ever cared about even when they existed.  I will now go troll the wire looking for news on celebrity deaths, divorces and melees so we never have to suffer through another story like this again.  Wish me luck!