Earlier this week, Paris Hilton somehow met the wife of British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. America’s unofficial Ambassador to the World (it’s sad, but it’s true) later talked about how she liked Tony Blair better, how Tory leader David Cameron is “not hot,” and how she would bring about world peace if she were elected President.

Prime Minister’s wife Sarah Brown described Paris Hilton as “smart” and “caring” after they met this week in Los Angeles while the heiress in turn gushed that Mrs Brown was “inspirational”.
…And as for her own plans if, God forbid, [Paris] ever becomes President? She’d “definitely try and make peace with the countries we are fighting. I’d throw a party so they could all get along and stop the war.”

Of course! Why didn’t I see it before now? Remixed versions of “Blue Monday” and body shots are the answers to all the world’s problems!!

Why the hell is Paris Hilton meeting with with the wife of the Prime Minister? And why do I think of this song by The Stanglers every time I write the name “Gordon Brown?”

No, Oprah did not go into her local Kentucky Fried Chicken and rip tables and booths in half with her bare hands in a fit of extra tasty crispy fried chicken-craving rage… Although I wish she had.

On last Tuesday’s Oprah show, the would-be saint announced a deal she had partnered with KFC to promote. Customers and Oprah devotees could download a coupon and bring it into KFC for a free two piece meal of their new Kentucky Grilled Chicken (a product whose slogan should be “Kentucky GRILLED Chicken? What’s the Point?”).

The promotion was originally supposed to run through May 19th, but it seems like the chicken pluckers underestimated the Oprah effect. Similar to the butterfly effect, the Oprah effect mandates that if Oprah flaps her underarm fat in a field in Africa, blindly devoted wildebeests American consumers will stampede to buy whatever product she’s currently promoting and a giant thunderstorm will brew inside KFCs all across North America.

The overwhelming response to the promotion–which included long lines and clashes between tired employees and hungry customers– has led KFC to put the free meal deal on temporary hiatus. Customers can bring in their free meal coupon and fill out a form to receive a new coupon in the mail which they can redeem for a free meal and a free Pepsi at a later date. I love the video above because the PR team directed KFC president Roger Eaton to sound really excited and happy when he says “We can’t redeem your free coupon at this time!” Yaaay! I suspect that might not even be the real President of KFC. I think he’s a plant, because the PR people understand that almost anything sounds like a good idea when it’s being said by a happy, excited Aussie.

If you don’t feel like filling out a voucher and waiting for your new free chicken coupon to show up in the mail, you can just go into El Pollo Loco, who is capitalizing on KFC’s gaffe by promising to honor KFC’s coupon for free chicken– on Mother’s Day no less. What better way to thank your mother for squeezing you out of her vagina and selflessly putting up with decades of your crap than by taking her to El Pollo Loco for some free coupon chicken?

This weekend, I am living in the past.

Last night, by a strange twist of fate, I ended up at the Happy Days off Broadway musical, where I spent a few hours trying to figure out whether they were making fun of Happy Days or celebrating it, and consequently, trying to decide whether I wanted to stay till the end of the show or just leave and go get blindingly drunk at a nearby bar. I could never decide– I don’t think the cast could either. All I know is  that through two and a half hours of lyrics like “I’ll take you dancing on the moon,” no one jumped a single freaking  shark, and that’s just plain annoying.

Later today, I’ll be going to see a Star Trek movie based on the original series, which is something I haven’t done since 1991.

All this retro craziness began Friday morning when the New Kids on the Block performed “Hangin’ Tough” on the Today Show to a crowd of screaming women and gay men–just like old times. I watched this and had instantaneous post traumatic flashbacks of the first concert I ever went to, which was, of course, a NKOTB concert. I went with my friend Yari, who got so excited when they came on stage that she choked me until I blacked out. We were in the third grade.

I was always a Jon girl, and it’s nice to see that, like Harison Ford in that Tomb scene at the end of Last Crusade, I have chosen wisely. He’s aged well and doesn’t reek of having pickled his liver in pills and booze the way the rest of them have… with the exception of Jordan. Jordan seems like his addictions would trend more towards Botox and oxygen bars.

Oh, and Danny still looks like a monkey.

Well, got to go tease my bangs, put on my new Roos, and head out to Topkapi so I can buy some new slap bracelets.

You can’t kill Star Trek no matter what you do.

You’ve probably already seen Beet’s vlog where she gives a review of last night’s premiere of the new Star Trek movie.  Well she isn’t the only one who really liked it.  Thursday night’s revenues totalled $7M which is a great number for a mid-week opening.  This movie is expected to pull in somewhere between $60M and $70M dollars this weekend.  Some are even saying $100M, which would truly be out of this world.  You Trekkies are hardcore.

Oh, and I cannot tell a lie.  The retro gal that I am, I really wanted to put up a picture of Leonard Nimoy.  But the hormones won out.  Enjoy Chris Pine.  You’re welcome.

It’s been kind of quiet on the Chris Brown and Rihanna front as he busily works on getting out of the legal jam he’s in and she works on moving forward with her career.

Though the rumored sex tape hasn’t surfaced yet, naked pictures of Rihanna have finally hit the internet.  She obviously took the pictures of herself which leads to the question of who got access to the pictures?

The uncensored pictures are here and totally NSFW.  Unless perinea are suitable for your workplace in which case these pics are totally okay.

Thanks, Brian!

Did you know that Paris Hilton was a producer on a movie?  Yeah, she didn’t either and now she’s being sued for eight million dollars for failing to do promotion of the film Pledge This.  And if you’ve ever found yourself defending Paris or thinking that the stupidity persona is just an act, read on:

The 28-year-old heiress … was asked by lawyers during a pre-trial hearing in Miami Thursday if she keeps a diary for business meetings. “I just press my name and Google it and see,” she told the court. Asked by lawyers about her calls from the producers, she testified: “With my phone I never know, because I lose it all the time. I probably get a new cellphone, like, every two weeks.”

When shown a copy of her cell phone bill, she replied: “I’ve never seen a phone bill of mine in my life.” Asked what her responsibilities as the film’s executive producer, Hilton told the court, “I’m not sure what a producer does, but – I don’t know, help get cool people in the cast?”

Hilton, who also revealed that she earns $11 million a year, claims she adequately honored her deal to promote the film. “Any chance I got, any red carpet, any press, if I was doing something for another product…I would just bring it up, ‘Oh, my new sorority film, it’s going to be sexy, it’s going to be really hot girls,’” she testified. “Like, I really, you know, did my best.”

A lawyer for Hilton added that the investors made unreasonable and last-minute demands for publicity events because the heiress’ schedule is always fully booked. Said attorney Michael Weinstein: “She’s the single busiest person on the planet.” A trial is scheduled to begin in June.

Why does a trial need to be scheduled for June.  Based on the transcript of the deposition, can’t we find Paris guilty of being the dumbest person on the planet and go right to the sentencing phase?  You know, no Chanel or small dogs for thirty days.  Too harsh?