They’ve seemed like the perfect couple for years now, but, with the arrival of the new baby, rumors are a-swirlin’ that there’s trouble in paradise for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. The couple were supposed to attend the White House Correspondents’ dinner this weekend (check out vid of comedienne Wanda Sykes performing there), but they canceled at the very last minute. In fact, a limo even arrived at their Boston home to take them to the airport, but it was sent away. Why would they be no-shows for such an important event for an administration they’ve supported so eagerly? I don’t think they had a sick kiddo or anything — Jen was photographed Monday on a walk with Violet and Seraphina, both looking healthy as can be. They haven’t released any statement explaining their sudden absence from the DC dinner.

If Jen and Ben break up, I’ll just be crushed. Does no one’s marriage work out?

The new Tori Amos album, Abnormally Attracted to Sin, has, of course, hit the Internets, although it’s not scheduled to be released until May 18. This is actually pretty impressive by Tori standards — usually her albums leak at least two weeks prior to their release date. I was surprised it took this long.

I can’t link you to it, of course, but I’m sure if you poke around long enough you can find it. I just finished listening to it for the first time, so I haven’t had a chance to formulate an opinion or choose favorite tracks yet, but it’s very Tori, I’ll tell ya that.

La Lohan — sporting a tiny little top and a weird-ass glove — arrived at LAX with sis Ali today.

Oh, Lindsay.

You’re so cool.

This is so sad. I’ve been getting emails from this PR firm for a couple days now, begging me to publicize some party for their hemorrhoid product. Ali Landry and Niecy Nash were both there, playing darts or something. You guys, this is so tragic. I can’t even handle the tragicness of this. There’s a toilet on the floor. And on the Niecy Nash picture, there’s an image of an anus on the TV screen behind her. Honestly, Niecy, I understand your desire to respect your professional obligations, but there are limits. If I were you, I would have walked into that party, taken one look at the toilet on the floor and the anus on the big screen, and politely thanked them for their time and left. I would not have stuck around to play darts and be photographed with the toilet and the anus. But that’s just me.

You guys, why did there need to be a toilet on the floor? Were they intentionally trying to make these celebrities look as pathetic as possible so that bloggers like me would run the photos? If so, mission accomplished. I ran the photos. Now, please, PR firm, stop sending me photos of celebrities flushing away their dignity.

Heh. Check out this clip from Oprah’s commencement address at Duke University. “It’s great to have a nice home. It’s great to have nice homes! It’s great to have a nice home that just escaped the fire in Santa Barbara,” she told the students. “It’s great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn’t great is lying to you.”

But she also emphasizes that her greatest joy in life is being able to help others.

That, and the private jet.

Hey, Oprah, I have a thought: Maybe you could buy me a private jet? That way you’d be helping others and I’d have a private jet. And every couple of months, between trips to the Cayman Islands, I would use my private jet to go pick up Lindsay Lohan from a bar and drop her off at rehab. And then I would pick up Paris Hilton from her house and drop her off in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. See how many people would be helped?

Ohhh Phelpsy! Why do you continue to trample upon our love? We have such an amazing thing going on here, me with my undying love and respect for you, and you with your Size 14 penis. It’s the perfect relationship. And yet you seem intent on throwing your wee-wee into anything you meet at a strip club. Take this chick, who’s talking to News of the World about the threesome she and another stripper had with you last year.

Apparently this young woman was impressed with Phelpsy’s stamina (Duh! He’s an Olympic athlete!) but says he chews tobacco constantly (Ew!) and has a whole bunch of chicks he hooks up with on a regular basis. Also he refused to take her to a nice restaurant, instead inviting her to dine with him at Taco Bell. “That was it,” she said. “He just bought me some soft tacos. No romantic candlelit dinner. He HAD said he’d take me to The Capital Grille which is one of the city’s swankiest restaurants, but it never happened.”

Listen, sweetheart. You’re obviously the kind of girl who will bang him and then talk about it to News of the World. You’re Taco Bell quality! Phelpsy, when you and I finally make our love a reality, I promise I will not talk to any newspapers about it. I may mention it on this teensy tiny little blog I have, but that’s all! Promise!