We’ve got yet another edition of Bitchy Q’s — our do-it-yourself advice column over on Zelda Lily courtesy of the talented and bitchy-in-that-special-assertive-way Maria-Mercedes Lara. Up this week: Dealing with annoying roommates, and the art of pooping in their beds. Click here to check it out.

Got a question that needs answering? Send it to Bitchy Q’s! Email Maria-Mercedes your question at maria-mercedes@zeldalily.com with “Bitchy Q’s” in the subject line. No names will ever be used.

Hey guys!

Just wanted to let you know that our FABULOUS and HILARIOUS weekend writer, Kelly Hays, is celebrating her birthday today! Please take a minute to let her know how much you appreciate all the hard work she does around here.

xoxo,
Beet

Star is getting in on all the Gosselin drama, making the couple their cover story this week.  Instead of random postulating, Kate’s brother and sister-in-law, Kevin and Jodi Kreider share their perspective.  And it ain’t good.

According to Kevin, and now we know where that not-so-outlandish People story came from, Jon shared with him his suspicions that Kate “Stop Breathing So Loudly” Gosselin was having an affair with their bodyguard Steve Neild.  I don’t really see the problem since Kate’s brother also maintains that the Gosselins have a contract written up that permits Jon to have girlfriends on the side as long as he continues to stay on the show.

Keider also confirms that when TLC suggested they be paid for their time on Jon & Kate Plus 8, Kate flipped out and ended their relationship.  She is now estranged from all her siblings and her parents.

But the most shocking accusation brought to light?  Kate’s controlling.  Stay tuned for next week’s article titled “Bombshell!  Kate Gosselin Likes To Clean!”

Someone attempted to penetrate the walls of Lindsay Lohan’s Hollywood Hills home on Tuesday. In contrast to the many attempts to penetrate the walls of her vagina, this one failed.

“It was an attempted burglary,” spokeswoman Karen Reyner said. “No property was taken and no one was home at the time of the incident.”

It was her home’s alarm system that notified police of a potential break-in and, when they arrived, officers found evidence that someone had been in the house. Per TMZ, there were pry marks on a back door and a window showed signs of tampering.

Meanwhile, a source close to the matter tells E! News that a “person of interest” in the case is a man who is said to have been stalking and making threats against Lohan.

That man is, of course, Charlotte Ronson.

Seriously, though, Lindsay’s safe as a clam in its shell, as she’s currently cavorting around Paris with kid sis Ali, who really ought to be in school, or, at the very least, recording her caterwauling safely within the soundproof walls of a studio booth. Here’s some shots of them shopping at Balmain today.

I’m proud to say that I haven’t watched a “cycle” of ANTM since model Paulina Porizkova became a judge. I’m still a Janice Dickinson girl, through and through. (And wasn’t Twiggy in there somewhere, too?) Anyway, I guess Paulina’s not a judge anymore, as she told Craig Ferguson that they fired her on her birthday and told her how much she sucked.

“The reason I was told I was fired was because, it seemed, that America’s Next Top Model has gotten too fat and they needed to cut some fat and the fat was me,” Porizkova said during her interview. “So I figured it was either that or my gigantic huge ego. Which I wasn’t aware of until I was told by the producers that I have an ego problem.”

Um, so, let me get this straight here, Tyra: After 12 seasons, there has been no need to replace J. Alexander, Jay Manuel or Nigel Barker, but we’ve gone through three iterations of fellow female judges? I doubt the ego problem lies with Paula. I think Tyra Banks wants to be on top … alone.

Hey, remember Katie Rees, the Miss Nevada 2006 who lost her crown after some sexy-style photos of her surfaced? And then was later arrested for assaulting a police officer? Well, she’s kind of annoyed that Carrie Prejean got to keep her crown and she didn’t.

“An accurate word to describe me is irate,” she said. “No matter what the stipulations are with the pictures, if you’re semi-nude, you’re semi-nude and it says so in the contract. Prejean broke the contact … she should’ve had her crown taken away just like mine … for her crown not to be taken away is absolutely outrageous. The fact is Carrie purposely posed nude for these pictures… I did not. I was a teenager who accidentally was out having a good time with her girlfriends and was unguarded. Tara Conner broke her contract for drug use… These girls get to keep their crown and I’m the one who’s exploited. I just wonder if Mr. Trump knows what he put me through — what I’ve gone through these past two years.”

Well, for starters, Katie’s right. There’s definitely a double standard in place here, and at the heart of it, it’s all about the pageant getting attention and ratings. These girls are just pawns — albeit pawns who went into this voluntarily. Katie says she’s speaking with her lawyer about it now, which I guess makes sense, but something tells me that the last thing this girl needs is to encourage her anger. Maybe consider accepting it and moving on, Katie? Before you try to beat up another cop?

Oh, and if you haven’t heard Carrie Prejean’s little speech this morning, it’s below. I got to the part where she thanks the Miss California organization “for their support, thus forward. ‘Thus forward’ is totally the new ‘such as.’ Seriously that was like 15 seconds in and I couldn’t watch it any further. Why would anyone care what this woman thinks about anything? She barely speaks her primary language!

Rather than making these girls answer questions about the legitimacy of same-sex marriage, maybe next year we could just have a spelling bee? I’d so watch that.