Congrats to Nicole Richie and her uterus, which is currently growing a small penis. (It has a person attached to it, too, but isn’t that all men really are anyway? Penises with bodies attached? Or is that the kind of thinking that results in me being eternally single?)

“Joel bought water-based paint for the nursery and — surprise, surprise — it’s blue,” says a pal of the couple, who adds that Nicole refers to the baby as “he.” “Plus, she recently ordered some plush animals and infant toys from FAO Schwarz, and everything just happens to be blue.”

Ya know, my mom had a thing about baby colors. She didn’t want me to feel like I had to associate my gender with any limitations, color being one of them. So she tried to use neutrals or mixes of color in my room. In fact, the mobile above my cradle was made of tin foil dolls. There was Mrs. Tin Foil and Mr. Tin Foil and baby Tin Foil. Although they didn’t really have gender identifiers, so I suppose they could just as well have been Mr. and Mr. Tin Foil and the Tin Foil baby they had through a surrogate. Thank you, Mom, for the open-mindedness you instilled in me as a child. It basically worked, except now I have this overpowering need to marry a man made of tin foil.

Wow, this is a very personal interview. You’ll recall that in the early seasons of Jon & Kate Plus 8, Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin were a big part of the family’s life. Then they suddenly disappeared, and rumors swirled — confirmed by Jodi’s sister — that the production company had tried to pay Jodi for all her time on the show, and Kate freaked out and kicked the couple out of their lives.

Now Kevin and Jodi are speaking out! They’re confirming that Jon & Kate really do fight constantly, that they believe the rumors than Kate is cheating too, and they’re siding with Jon — even though Kevin is Kate’s blood relative! WOW!!!

They say that Jon & Kate fought so much that the production crew would struggle to find 15 minutes of usable footage after eight hours of filming, and that some of the crew actually had moral issues with the fact that they were promoting this horrible couple as the perfect family. WOW! WOW! WOW!!!!

The marriage of Jon and Kate Gosselin is “over”, Kate’s brother Kevin Krieder and his wife Jodi say in an explosive new video interview, only on RadarOnline.com.

On the stunning video, Kevin Krieder, 32, says “Six months ago Kate came to Jon and said, ‘Hey, it’s over.’”

As RadarOnline.com recently reported, Jon has been having an extramarital affair with a third grade school teacher, Deanna Hummell. Kate is rumored to be cheating with her bodyguard Steve Neild.

Both Jon and Kate have denied having affairs. Kate’s bodyguard and Deanna Hummell have also denied the affairs.

Kevin’s wife Jodi says everyone ignored the problems in the marriage to keep the show’s ratings high. She says: “The show is not reality, and has not been for a long time. This is a train wreck.”

Kevin adds: “Their family is in shambles.”

Jodi and Kevin gave their only print interview to Star magazine, and in a cover story this week, they say the marriage is now governed by a secret contract. They reveal details of that contract in Star’s interview.

Kevin says both Jon and Kate need to give up the fame and fortune in order to save their marriage while Jodi says a divorce would affect the children terribly.

In the Star magazine interview, she explains how she believes Kate is exploiting the kids and how badly it’s affecting them.

Kreider says his sister Kate wants to be a talk show host, and she really is starting to believe her own press.”

You can watch the actual video of the interview here. This is the most on-the-record scoop anyone’s gotten about this upcoming divorce.

When is Kate going to finally fess up to the truth?

Just yesterday Shanna Moakler smiled and shook hands with Miss California Carrie Prejean at a press conference in which Donald Trump announced that Prejean would retain her crown.  Maybe she was just being a professional but it would have been much more exciting if she had stormed out.  Or started attacking Donald Trump’s Oompa Loompa skin with a loofah.  Decorum sucks.

Anyway, Moakler’s affection toward Prejean, like every boob that comes out of California, was a fake display.

However, in a move that restores my faith, today Moakler resigned from her director post for the Miss California USA pageant.  The statement released reads as follows:

Since the press conference yesterday, I had a chance to think about what has taken place, and I feel that at this time it is in my best interest to resign from the Miss California USA organization.

I cannot with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss Universe Organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth. I want to be a role model for young women with high hopes of pageantry, but now feel it more important to be a role model for my children. I am sorry and hope I have not let any young supporters down but wish them the best of luck in fulfilling their dreams.

I give her credit for standing up for what she believes in.  With this brave move she also has secured the everlasting love of the gays.  She’s the new Liza.  Or Cher.  Or Beet.

Holly Madison came on to the scene as one-third of the Hugh Hefner trifecta.  Sadly, that relationship soured like yesterday’s Milk of Magnesia and she moved on.

She hooked up with magician Criss Angel and I expected a lot more over-exposure from those two than I ended up getting.  Other than their joint birthday party, they weren’t half as obnoxious as I’d been hoping, prior to their love vanishing.  Disappointing, really.

Now, America’s favorite girl next door is hooking up with comedian and admitted sex-addict Russell Brand.  Now, I’m not sure where she fits into the stats.  He claims to penetrate ninety different vaginae a month, yet the Sun reports that he’s been visiting Madison three times a week.  That is just a ton of cardio.

I’m hoping this works out for a couple reasons.  Mostly, because I want to call them RH Factor.  Also, because Holly Madison is descending into scary territory.  If this new relationship flops, I fear her next conquest is going to be, like, Marilyn Manson.  Or Carrot Top.

Thanks, Eve!

“I think people are born bisexual and they make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. “I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite. I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”

Megan Fox explaining to Esquire why she would never have sex with herself.

I’ll take “Needs Therapy” for four-hundred, Alex.

I almost wrote about the possibility of Nicole Kidman being pregnant a couple of weeks ago, but I thought I might be reading more into a situation than actually existed.  I’ve, um, been know to do that.  However, now my suspicions have been validated.

While looking at pictures of Nik on the wire, I noticed that she’s doing that weird, scapulae-forward pose and that to me just says “knocked up.”   I know there is absolutely no scientific data to my hypothesis but that really applies to all the predictions I make, don’t you think?

Now, she’s dropped out of Woody Allen’s yet-to-be-titled movie that is set to start filming this summer.  If that isn’t code for “gestating,” I don’t know what is.

Here’s hoping Nicole and hubby Keith Urban are expecting another little day of the week to join sister Sunday.