I was just sitting in the shower the other day thinking about celebrities, because that’s what I do in the shower, and I shower like five times a day, which is probably why I have so many thoughts about celebrities. Anyway, my shower thought was “Does Katharine McPhee have a sustainable career?” I couldn’t come up with a clear answer, but obviously someone still cares about her. Katharine was swarmed by paps the other day — and she wisely kept mum as they drilled her with questions about same-sex marriage — and was saved by what I think is a homeless woman, who grabbed her by the arm and pushed her through a door and then cussed out the paps. Sweet. I want one of these ladies to take everywhere with me. And when someone annoys me I’ll just be like, “Ahem. I think my homeless lady has something she wants to say to you.”

If you’re a moribund form of print media looking to boost numbers, what do you do? The same thing you’d do if you were a celebrity with a moribund career — you start a feud.

That’s exactly what Us Weekly has done, running a two-page spread about InTouch Weekly’s slew of misinformed Brangelina covers.

What did InTouch have to say about this? “We’re extremely flattered that our competition pays so much attention to InTouch that they were willing to devote a 2-page spread to us.”

Indeed. Expect InTouch to fire back in their next edition. It’s not personal — feuds are just good business.

“Tony Romo is one of my favorite quarterbacks. I don’t think he’s my favorite — but he’s certainly one of my favorites. So I felt kinda conflicted doing the Jessica thing. [But] Jessica got fat. I mean, not really fat, but she certainly got fat for … well, Jessica Simpson got fat for Jessica Simpson! You know what I mean? I’ve always wanted people to be able to look back at each video and go, ‘Oh, remember what was going on at that moment!’ You know what I mean? ‘Oh, that’s when Jessica Simpson got fat.’ ‘Oh, OK!’ And even if she gets thin again, that’s fine. But for that moment in time, she was fat.”

Eminem, on his decision to mock Jessica Simpson’s size in the video for “We Made You.” (Video above)

I don’t know how it happened, but someone cast Lindsay Lohan in another movie — an indie flick co-starring Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. It’s called The Other Side, and it centers on a grad student who must spend the summer working at a scientific institute on a remote island. She discovers an eccentric community of characters who are hiding a secret about a tragedy that took place many years before.

“Lindsay’s very aware of people’s perceptions of her,” director David Michaels said. “She’s really committed to doing what she has to in order to change that.”

Ummmmm … is she committed enough to keep her ass out of nightclubs for more than a day at a time? I think not.

I’m also interested to see how Alanis works out as an actress. I don’t think she’s ever done anything like this, right? The whole thing kind of reeks of stunt casting — why else would you cast Lindsay Lohan, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morrissette? Lindsay’s movies flop as a rule, and the other two have limited experience as actors.

The movie will film in October on an island off the coast of Massachusetts. Hey, Wendie, you live near Boston, right? Get a camera and a boat and get us some exclusives!

For real, I’m about to make the most obvious statement you’ve heard all day.  Janice Dickinson is really out of control.

Last night she staggered around outside Nobu, warming the hearts of everyone with her kind and serene ways.  I wish I could have been there.  I totally would have asked for her autograph.  Or if she had coke on her.

She should also mail her two thousand dollars in what would have been court fees right to the paps who strongly advised that she not get behind the wheel of her vehicle.

Video totally NSFW.

It’s like that dreadful bridesmaid dress your best friend talks you into paying entirely too much for.  She’ll tell you that you can have it altered into something more wearable after the wedding  but does anyone ever actually do that?  My chock-full-of-taffeta closet says “No!”

Scarlett Johansson at  February’s opening of He’s Just Not That Into You or author and socialite Jamee Gregory, clad in the same Oscar de la Renta material in a shorter version at a Sloan Kettering ball last evening.