David Banda’s already figured out what he thinks of the paparazzi who stalk his mother. Madonna took him and Rocco to the Kabbalah Center in NYC today, and he gave them a piece of his mind. In the other pics, you can barely make out Rocco. He’s all dressed in white with a cap pulled down over his head. It’s kind of sad that these kids have already spent the entirety of their lives trying to hide from the paps.

Shia LaBeouf is running his mouth again, this time about the size of his wee-wee. Turns out he’s no Tommy Lee. Shia talked to Playboy about losing his virginity and all the accompanying awkwardness:

“I was shaking in my boots,” he says about the romp, four years ago. “Getting naked was very strange. It was the first time I’d been naked in the light, in front of a girl, with no hiding place … I remember putting a pillow underneath her because I had seen that in a porn movie … [It] put her at a weird angle, where I couldn’t get in correctly. I’m not extremely well-endowed … and clearly this wasn’t the move.

So let this be a warning to everyone: Trying to copy what you see in porn isn’t always the best idea. Also, it makes you look like a porn star. Seriously, folks, if he wants to to spit on it the first time you get down and dirty, he’s not really all that into your personality. Say no thank you and leave.

OMG you guys did you see what I did there? With that headline? Because Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are at Cannes and they’re kissing? Jesus Christ I am so unbelievably funny.

OK really though if this headline prevents just one of you from pronouncing “Cannes” with an ‘s’ sound this week, it will all be worth it.

Powder Blue is one of the most depressingly bad movies ever made. Every decision — from the screenplay to the acting to the visual palette — is a cynical calculation based on an uncomfortable amalgam of several other much better movies. The characters are manipulated ciphers, their stories are emotional copycats, and the film is an ugly, wretched bit of sanctimony. Of course the film purports to be about finding hope in the unlikeliest places, but I found absolutely none, except when the credits started rolling … Most grievously insulted is Biel, who fulfills many lecherous fantasies by briefly exposing her breasts in a scene where she writhes on a strip club stage and splashes hot candle wax on her body while crying. This was no doubt intended to be an Oscar-worthy moment of bravery, but instead it’s an embarrassing display of directorial exploitation and a waste of acting goodwill.

Just one of many absolutely scathing reviews of the new Jessica Biel flick, Powder Blue. We’ve got a link to the super-fun candle wax/crying clip here.

Hey guys, Kelly is taking a well-deserved vacay this weekend. So you’re stuck with me, but not much of me. I’m booked solid most of the weekend, so I’ll be posting here and there, but expect it to be light. If a big story breaks, I expect some high-quality citizen journalism from y’all in the comments. You know, so I can copy-paste what you write into my story later. :)

xoxo
Beet

Remember how last year Aunt Jodi’s sister started that blog, Truth Breeds Hatred, that basically bashed Kate Gosselin into little tiny pieces before it was uber-hip to do so? Well, a few months ago, I was helping a reporter do some stalking, and I added that blog to my RSS feed. I never removed it, and I never noticed that I never removed it because she hadn’t written anything in months and months. But it just popped up in my RSS feed again — Aunt Jodi’s sister is back on the warpath, talking trash about Kate.

Some lovely tidbits from the last few days:

I just wanted to thank all of those who have already voiced their support for Kevin and Jodi. They would not have spoken out unless they felt that it was absolutely necessary in order so save the Gosselin children from a horrific situation. I’m sickened to hear that Figure 8 is continuing to film and TLC and everyone else involved will profit off of the destruction of a family. Kate will stop at nothing to get what she wants. She has a team of people protecting her and helping her spin her lies to keep this nightmare going. She is focused on her new “career” and she won’t let anyone stand in her way, including her husband and children.

I’m hoping that the upcoming stories will help connect the dots and shed some light on why I came forward last year to voice my concerns for the situation. Although the revelations are sad, and in some ways unbelievable, the children are living a life that is much worse than will be printed in any publication.

And then this:

Just when I think that Kate has stooped to the lowest level possible, she outdoes herself. Has she completely lost touch with reality?

So much for “handling it privately”, as she stated late last week. I am disgusted that she is continuing to spread her lies, and discussing very private matters to the media. She completely throws her husband under the bus in order to pursue her own agenda. It is becoming more obvious that she will stop at nothing to get what she wants. She is setting herself up for sympathy and letting everyone know that the show must go on.

It’s true that Kate’s focus hasn’t changed. Doing the show was never about “just making ends meet” or “just paying for college”. Kate did her research and set her plan into motion before the sextuplets were even born. She is using the show–although it’s far from reality–as a means to other opportunities–her new “career”. Kate will never be satisfied. It will never be enough for her. They have reportedly made millions so far and she will keep going without any thought of what this is doing to her family.

Dayum!

When the things your own family blogs about you are worse than anything the tabloids print, you have a very serious problem.