Ohhh Phelpsy! Why do you continue to trample upon our love? We have such an amazing thing going on here, me with my undying love and respect for you, and you with your Size 14 penis. It’s the perfect relationship. And yet you seem intent on throwing your wee-wee into anything you meet at a strip club. Take this chick, who’s talking to News of the World about the threesome she and another stripper had with you last year.
Apparently this young woman was impressed with Phelpsy’s stamina (Duh! He’s an Olympic athlete!) but says he chews tobacco constantly (Ew!) and has a whole bunch of chicks he hooks up with on a regular basis. Also he refused to take her to a nice restaurant, instead inviting her to dine with him at Taco Bell. “That was it,” she said. “He just bought me some soft tacos. No romantic candlelit dinner. He HAD said he’d take me to The Capital Grille which is one of the city’s swankiest restaurants, but it never happened.”
Listen, sweetheart. You’re obviously the kind of girl who will bang him and then talk about it to News of the World. You’re Taco Bell quality! Phelpsy, when you and I finally make our love a reality, I promise I will not talk to any newspapers about it. I may mention it on this teensy tiny little blog I have, but that’s all! Promise!