Yes, of course Phelpsy’s mom “wrote” a book. She has definitely earned a book deal. Look what her vagina has accomplished! All those laps in the Olympic pool were practically being swum by her labia. The book is called A Mother for All Seasons, and of course right now her media machine is hyping it up by focusing on what is probably the only even marginally interesting portion of this opus — Michael Phelps’ painfully persistent drug and alcohol problem.

In A Mother for All Seasons, Debbie Phelps speaks out for the first time about her shock at seeing the human side of her golden boy, when Star released pictures of Michael smoking pot in January, Debbie was “not happy” about his “disappointing, uncharacteristic behavior,” she writes. But the bust was also “déjà vu all over again.” Michael’s 2004 DUI arrest had been her first major disappointment as a mom.

“Nothing like this had ever happened with him,” Debbie writes. “It was unreal — like something out of a horror movie — with TV clips of jail cell doors slamming ominously shut, dooming the life and career of one golden boy turned loser.”

But, Debbie says, she never blamed Michael — only herself. “I was sure that I could have done something to better prepare Michael to make better choices.” And after the details of the incident emerged, she says, she had more understanding. “He actually had tried to get someone else to drive after he had a few drinks,” Debbie reveals. “Apparently someone in the crowd made a crack about not giving the keys to his brand-new Range Rover to someone else.”

In the end, however, the details didn’t matter. “Michael was clearly mortified.” And Debbie had to take a week off of work. “I stayed out of sight, hibernating at a friend’s house, crying my eyes out.”

I can completely understand how awful this experience must have been for Debbie, but I’m firmly of the belief that all the mothering in the world can’t change the way your children interact with substance, and how they behave when they’re under the influence. You can set a good example and you can let them know the facts, but that’s where your role ends. These were Michael’s choices, and it’s so sad that his mother had to suffer as a result. Hopefully it will result in him making better choices in the future, although somehow I doubt that. We’ll see another DUI out of that Phelps kid yet, mark my words.

Hey, Mom! When are you going to write a book about raising me??? That shit’ll put Debbie Phelps’ drama to SHAME! (To this day, my mother insists that I was a very easy teenager to raise. This is because my mother has repressed those memories. I was about as easy to raise as Hugh Hefner’s penis. It took a team!) I keep telling my mother she should have a weekly column on here. She always says no. Maybe I should have my grandpa do one? He has OPINIONS.

Once upon a time I was a software developer. I never thought that training would come in handy in this job. But I think what I need to do in the future is just write software that automates posts like this. Travis and Shanna break up. Lindsay and Samantha fight. Tom and Katie’s marriage is on the rocks. Britney Spears hates her father. Etc, etc. Because I know a lot of you think this is an easy job, but you try putting a different spin on the same stories week after week after week for years. It is exhausting. Travis and Shanna are my worst nightmare. I hate trying to spin this any other way than the truth: They are both highly unstable individuals in a highly unstable relationship, and, sadly, there are children involved.

The couple — who divorced in 2004 but reconciled last September after Barker’s near-fatal plane crash — called it quits “after a nasty fight broke out at his house last night and cops were called…[when] Shanna started freaking out and acting irrational,” a source tells Us. No charges were filed.

“Travis confronted Shanna about her having an affair with Gerard Butler while he was in the hospital recovering,” the source says. Butler and Moakler were spotted getting cozy at the Hollywood opening of Shin Korean BBQ last October. Barker “just wants to focus on his music and his children right now. He is done with her drama,” the source says.

In February, Barker told Us he “couldn’t be happier” after reuniting with Moakler, who was spotted wearing her wedding band at a Grammys party. Barker’s rep tells Us: “After surviving the plane crash his driving force in life is the love he has for his kids. He is tired of all other drama and is ready to move on.”

A rep for Moakler tells Us: “They did break up but Shanna never cheated on Travis while he was in the hospital. Furthermore, Shanna is tired of playing out their personal relationship in the press.”

Barker, 33, and Moakler, 34, are parents to Landon Asher and Alabama Luella. She also has a daughter, Atiana Cecilia, with ex Oscar de la Hoya. They starred in the MTV reality show “Meet the Barkers” in 2006.

“The babies are the most important thing right now,” adds the insider. “Shanna cheated on him and then told everyone they were in love again while she was having an affair and he was recovering from the accident.”

Shanna, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: YOU PARTICIPATED IN A TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH TRAVIS BARKER. Remember it? It was called Meet the Barkers and it was about your personal relationships. You never get to expect the press to butt out of it now. It is an unreasonable request. You wanted the spotlight. You got it. Now deal.

(The pics of Shanna making out with Gerard Butler are here.)

A lot of you guys are mad at me today, and I’m sorry for that. I’m in no mood to have people mad at me today. Some days I’m in the mood to have people mad at me, and some days I’m not. Today is a not. Listen, I write a TON of these posts every single day, and sometimes they cross a line in a funny way, and sometimes they cross a line in a way that isn’t funny. But I do a lot of them, and I’ve been doing a lot of them nearly every day for three years now. It’s like being on The Real World — if you just have cameras following you around all day every day for months on end, every now and then you’re going to say something that’s gonna make you look like an asshole. We’re all human around here. I am sorry.

I racked my brain for how to make it up to you guys, and I came up with something that ALWAYS raises my spirits: Hot fireman without their shirts on. So I come bearing naked firemen. Enjoy and forgive.

If you know of a hot fireman pic on the ‘net that I haven’t posted, please do include the link in the comments. Let’s all share the firemen and the love. Let’s make it a good day.

Up-and-comer Amanda Seyfried (you know her from Mamma Mia and Big Love, but she’s got a ton of stuff coming out this year and next) was snapped in LA last night with her boyfriend, Mamma Mia co-star Dominic Cooper. They fell in love while filming in Greece! How romantic! For everyone except her former longtime boyfriend, who got dumped for Dominic.

Amanda is totally a cutie, and I like her as an actress, but she needs to get that Tyra Banks lecture about not letting the photogs get candid pics of you where you’re making a bunch of stupid faces. Because we will run those. Just throw her into the ANTM competition for a week or two and she’ll pick up these little details.

Or … just the National Enquirer?

Take this story with a grain of salt. Well, more than a grain of salt. Take this story with like the amount of thick chunks of salt you’d get around the rim of a margarita glass. Actually, no. Take this story with a margarita. And then another. Because it has been THAT KIND OF DAY, right?

The 29-year-old former first daughter is tying the knot this summer in a lavish $1 million dream wedding, The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively. The groom-to-be is Wall Street whiz kid Marc Mezvinsky, 31, a longtime pal who became Chelsea’s serious boyfriend after she split from college beau Ian Klaus in 2005.

“Chelsea hasn’t even admitted that she’s engaged to Marc, but that’s not stopping her from planning a wedding,” a pal revealed. “She’s always dreamed of having a special wedding, and these days that could set her parents back a million dollars, but they’d give her anything her heart desires for the event.”

The timing for a wedding is perfect now that mom Hillary is settling into her position as secretary of state, and Marc’s father, former Iowa congressman Ed Mezvinsky, has been released from a halfway house after serving time for investment fraud, sources say.

And with a combined income of more than $109 million in the past eight years, the Clintons can afford the best wedding money can buy. The bride-to-be favors tying the knot on a hill at sunset overlooking the ocean, pals say, making Martha’s Vineyard or Hilton Head Island possible wedding sites.

“Hilton Head is a good bet because that’s where she met Marc in 1993 at a Renaissance Weekend, an annual event for heavy-hitters that their families attended,” the insider divulged. “Marc has worked very hard at becoming a successful trader, and his love for Chelsea is real,” said the pal.

“Bill and Hillary already treat him like a son, and Marc’s father and mother adore Chelsea.”

So I don’t know if this is true or not, but, if it is, good for Chelsea. I don’t know how you manage to find “true love” when your father is President Clinton. How could you ever know if someone loves you for who you are or for who your father is? I’d always be so confused. But I hope this is for real, and I’m happy for her. Plus: He’s a total cutie!

She’s getting us hot and showing us what she’s got!

This year so far been all about women dominating the charts. Britney, Taylor and now Lady Gaga, who became the first artist in nearly ten years to reach the top of the Billboard Hot 100 with their first two chart entries, as “Poker Face” took the top spot this week. (“Just Dance” hit the top of the charts in January.)

The last performer to launch with a pair of Hot 100 chart-toppers was Christina Aguilera, who reigned with “Genie in a Bottle” (1999) and “What a Girl Wants” (2000). Among women, Lady GaGa is only the fourth female artist in the last 25 years to open with a pair of No. 1s, joining Aguilera, Mariah Carey (1990) and Tiffany (1987).

I mean, Christina and Mariah are certainly big artists, but this chick just reached Tiffany levels of fame. Malls of America, look out!