I really need to get some European television in my life. My husband recently went on a business trip to Italy. While I was busy losing my mind and making phallic-shaped pancakes, he was in Bologna watching soft core porn on mainstream prime-time tv. How is this possible?

Well, Keira Knightley filmed a public service announcement that will be aired in the UK, detailing the dangers of domestic violence.  It was directed by Joe Wright.  He’s the dude she worked with in Atonement and Pride &  Prejudice.  And truly, this commercial does feel like a mini-movie.  A graphic mini-movie, that is.

If you choose to watch, be advised of its violent nature.  This would never be aired in the United States.  Sigh…we Americans are such delicate little prudes.

Seriously, Scarlett Johansson should have just done a porn movie.  It would have been more subtle than the new Moet & Chandon ad campaign that she has lent her face and tits to.

Can we all take a moment here to count all the subliminal messages in these pictures?  Scarlett Johansson bringing a magnum to explosive orgasm.  Scarlett Johansson posing with a vase full of vaginae.  Scarlett Johansson fisting an ice bucket.

Forget about drinking champagne.  I need a cold shower.

I hadn’t seen a picture of her in awhile, so I figured she’d secretly died on St. Lucia and they’d buried her and we’d all moved on, but NO! She’s back in London, and she’s alive, and she actually looks half-decent!

Amy was checking out the Bat for Lashes show at the Hard Rock in London on Monday night, and photogs snapped her on her way out. Sure, she’s holding some dude’s hand, but she seems to be supporting her own body weight pretty well, and in heels! Her face looks cleaner and more alert, too. Maybe, just maybe, this girl’s gotten some real help and is getting on the right track. Fingers crossed!

I don’t know who Kimberly Locke fell in love with, but Valentino Garavani is definitely the Eighth World Wonder in my mind. How a man can know so much about fashion and so little about spray-tanner remains a complete mystery to me. Is this a disease? I think this is a disease. I’ve mentioned it before. I think he has the spray-tan version of an eating disorder. He just doesn’t get that it looks bad past a certain point.

Valentino was, of course, on-hand for the LA premiere of Valentino: The Last Emperor. Also there: Anne Hathaway, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, Nicky Hilton, Janice Dickinson, Rose McGowan and Shanae Grimes.

Jump inside to find out who went home on Wednedsay night and whether my predictions were correct.

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Untraceable cell phones. Secret rendezvous. SOS signals. It’s all here, at least in the version of Britney Spears’ life that Sam Lutfi is making up. His sister took the stand in court today to talk about all the kinds of crazy they’ve been through trying to stay in contact with Britney despite a restraining order.

Christina Lutfi said Britney Spears told her that she was afraid of her father and needed her brother’s help to hire her own attorney. The 25-year-old was introduced as a surprise witness Wednesday, moments after a judge rejected a motion to dismiss the restraining order.

She was also the last witness in a hearing that has spanned three months. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Aviva K. Bobb continued temporary orders until she hears closing arguments April 21.

Christina Lutfi said her brother gave her a prepaid cell phone, which she secretly gave to Spears at a hotel sauna, so that the two could contact each other. She said she repeatedly called the number, trying to make sure the singer was safe.

She claimed she used her brother’s cell phone in recent months. But under questioning by Jamie Spears’ attorneys, Christina Lutfi could not recall the phone number of one of her brother’s cell phones, nor the phone she said she’d handed to Spears.

She also acknowledged that she shared the cell phone with her brother at their parents’ home, where a landline is installed.

Jamie Spears testified in February that he eventually found and confiscated the phone, which indicated communications to Lutfi and his daughter’s ex-boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib. The phone’s discovery, and a series of late-night and early phone calls from Lutfi, led to the current restraining order application … testimony from Britney Spears’ hairdresser and a security guard indicated the singer was troubled by Lutfi’s overtures.

Arguments were echoed by attorney for lawyer Jon Eardley, who the conservatorship also hopes to block from contacting Spears. Eardley has repeatedly been rejected in attempts to install himself as Britney Spears’ attorney, and was rebuffed last month at a hearing where he sought to invalidate the conservatorship.

Evidence showed communications between Lutfi and Eardley, and Jamie Spears’ attorneys have called their relationship a “conspiracy” to undermine the conservatorship.

So, like, woah. This is some deeply woven shit. Are these people really just so crazy and greedy that they’re going to courtroom lengths to get a piece of Britney Spears? From the outside, Britney seems much, much better under her conservatorship. I think if Jamie were really treating her badly or if she were actually in any danger, we’d be hearing about it from her dancers and her stylists and even Kevin Federline, not from Sam Lutfi. Britney may not be happy under the conservatorship, but it exists because she has proven definitively that she can’t be trusted to safely make her own choices.