Services were held for Jade Goody early Friday at St. John the Baptist Church in either Buckhurst Hill or Waltham Abbey.  The way English people name their towns is confusng to me, so I’m not exactly sure what the place was called.

Several moderately famous television personalities were in attendance, as well as some fans who donned bright yellow sashes emblazoned with “In loving memory of Jade,” and stood on the street in front of a large projector screen displaying Jade’s name and dates of birth & death. Her two sons, as reported earlier, were not in attendance.

She is survived by her husband, Jack Tweed, her mother, Jackiey Budden, and her lasting legacy of making everyone feel weird and conflicted about the exploitative, public nature of celebrity death.

So, remember the I <3 Ronson event I posted pictures from? Like two posts ago? Did you notice that a certain someone was conspicuously absent? Typically, you can’t write “Samantha Ronson” without also writing “Lindsay Lohan”– it’s like dangling a participle… a cocaine-soaked, insane,  overly dramatic participle.

But last night, at the launch party for Charlotte Ronson’s JC Penney clothing line, Miss Lilo (if you’re nasty) was reportedly barred from entering. Nicole Richie, Sting, Jewel, and Paris Hilton were welcome (how do you get such a turn out for the debut of a JC Penney clothing line?) but Lindsay was “restrained from coming in by five security guards” who were “under strict instructions from the Ronson family to look out for Lindsay and not to let her in under any circumstances.” Apparently she knew well ahead of time that she would not be welcome, but showed up anyway. The Ronsons’ Lindsay repellent program was so strong that, according to a source at the party,  “Unless Lindsay rams a truck through the red carpet or skydives in, she won’t be here.”

I wouldn’t have put it past her. Must be rough on the ego to not be able to get into an event hosted by JC Penney. Hell, even I can drive 10 minutes to the  mall and do that. But since no trucks were driven into the front of Bar Marmont, I guess Lindsay went home after she couldn’t get in. And by “home”, I mean every other bar in West Hollywood.

I know you love checking up on washed-up rappers from the nineties as much as I do.  So I dare you to come away from this post without “Gangsta’s Paradise” stuck in your head all fucking day. You can’t do it.

Artis Ivey Leon Jr., better known and loved as “Coolio” showed up in court Friday afternoon to plead not guilty to charges of felony drug possession and misdemeanor battery / possession of a smoking device (crackpipe) that were incurred during his March 6th arrest at Los Angeles International Airport. He’s been blastin and laughin so long that even his mama thinks that his mind is gone.

Why, with all the local “retailers” available, would someone try to carry drugs through the airport? At any rate,  it’s more environmentally friendly to smoke crack that is locally grown (fewer carbon emissions).

Coolio’s currently free on $10,000 bail, and will be back in court for another hearing on April 20th.

I guess his life is outta luck, fool.

Josh Hartnett checked in to the hospital early Monday morning, complaining of abdominal pain severe enough that he had to go in by ambulance. And I’m willing to bet that even famous people don’t prefer to go to the emergency room by ambulance unless it’s serious. He was released today, but information about what caused the “flare up” is sketchy at best. According to E! Online:

The Sin City stud was taken by ambulance to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles early Monday morning for severe abdominal pain. He has since checked out.

“He is out of the hospital,” Hartnett’s rep, Susan Patricola, tells E! News. No further details—including the actual date of his release—were given.

However, Sienna Miller reportedly flew from Miami to visit him in the hospital Wednesday.

Earlier this week, Patricola described the stomach problems as “a flare-up of a gastro-intestinal problem that plagued him while he was starring in the west end of London during the production of Rain Man.”

There’s absolutely no reason why anyone over the age of 13, who is ostensibly getting paid reasonable amounts of money to write this shit, should refer to someone as “stud” when the words immediately following are “taken by ambulance to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.”

Unless that article was written by me for this site, and it wasn’t.

I’m feeling tired and devastatingly un-clever. So to warm up,  I’m just going to post some pictures of famous people looking like shit.

Here’s the Ronson family at the I “Heart” Ronson launch party “red carpet” (red carpet courtesy of JC Penney). I’m not sure, but I think the designer, Charlotte Ronson, might have a bit of a lazy eye.  I’m guessing the collection includes a lot of bold horizontal stripes that inexplicably trail off and slant down to the left when you’re talking to them.

As for Corey Kennedy (see slide show) the whole knee pads in your tights look is a new one on me. <insert dick-sucking joke here>

Miz Richie has gone from zero to bump-tastic in what feels like just a week or two!

Nicole was looking stunning, and very preggers, alongside beau Joel Madden at the Esprit store opening in Santa Monica.

Mostly I’m confused about the Esprit store opening. Is this the same brand that I used to wear when I was eight years old? It’s still around? Has anyone actually purchased Esprit clothing recently? Where did this brand go for the past decade?

Nicole told reporters at the event that she’s expanding her already-successful fashion line to include apparel, accessories and footwear.