Mischa Barton in the Spring 2009 edition of the magazine you’ve never heard of, Genlux.  To give you an idea of the target audience, per their website, they are “the only luxury fashion and beauty magazine created expressly for today’s affluent Southern California woman.”

Now, caption it, bitches.  You owe me.

I really cannot wait for Beet’s review of Britney Spears in lip-syncing heaven concert, even if I do have bad news for her this morning.  It seems like Brit says something wholly inappropriate every seven days or so.  And since Brit screamed out, “We’re gonna rock it out with our cocks out,” Monday night in Edmonton, this doesn’t bode well for Beet getting to witness the oral insanity live, tomorrow night in Tacoma.

Oh, and because I know you like to occasionally hear things coming out of Brit’s mouth that aren’t on pre-recorded tracks, here’s the video.  You care about 6:55 on…

Listen, I’ve never seen the Harry Potter movies but apparently the character of Vincent Crabb, played by Jamie Waylett, is some sort of schoolyard bully?  If that’s the case, I tip my sorting hat to the casting director of this series of movies.  Because I took one look at this kid and just opened my wallet and whipped a twenty at my monitor.

The not so good news for Jamie Waylett is that horticulture doesn’t get the same respect as it once did.  He and a friend were arrested for being in possession of eight bags of marijuana, cannabis plants and plant cultivating equipment.  They are due back in court in July.

Carrie Underwood is issuing apologies both to Matthew McConaughey and to her family over her completely Wonder Bread comment made to the star during her American Country Music Awards acceptance speech for Entertainer of the Year.

Carrie Underwood was overwhelmed to have won “Entertainer of the Year” at the American Country Music Awards on Sunday night, but the moment did turn a little mortifying when she made a sexual reference joke to wanting to see Matthew McConaughey’s “boots” in her acceptance speech.

The Texas-born actor presented Underwood with the big award, but before his official duties he entertained the audience with a story on how he and his brother once took a road trip thru Texas to see Dwight Yoakam perform. While there the brothers tried to “pick up” a few ladies by telling them that they made a livin’ exclusively custom-making George Strait’s boots.

“We’re like, ‘Oh yeah. Say, as I a matter of fact, out in the parking lot, in the trunk of our white Corvette, we have the next year’s new edition white ostrich quill George Strait signed series that he’s gonna wear on tour next year.’ And they got pretty excited about that and said, ‘Well, can we see? Can we see? Can we see?’” McConaughey told the audience. “And we obliged … Point of the story is, we got lucky that night. Thank you, George.”

After taking the trophy from McConaughey, a tearful Underwood caused jaws to drop when she said:

“I don’t know what to say. I got nothin’ … I want to see those boots, Matthew.”

Underwood released a statement shortly thereafter.  “I‘m so embarrassed, I totally embarrassed myself. I just blanked.   You want to say something eloquent in a moment like that and I embarrassed myself. I’m sorry Matthew, I’m sorry to my family. I’m totally embarrassed.”

Seriously?  Carrie Underwood really believes her lame attempt at being funny was so offensive that it was worthy of making a statement?  She was so mortified that she had to apologize to her family as if she has bestowed scandal upon them?  Anyone even listens when Carrie Underwood speaks?  I’m full of questions this morning.

All I know for sure is this-I’m more inappropriate than that towards my mailman.  I guess I need to call all my relatives and apologize for my actions.  This could take a while.

After last night’s fuckery, my soul has basically fled my body.  I spent most of my night rocking back and forth in a corner crying and craving Sky Bars and contemplating what benefit there was to me staying on this planet.  I’m basically Lindsay Lohan.  So today you should expect one line entries with no commentary provided that extends past the bare essentials.

Therefore, Iron Chef America‘s Cat Cora and her wife Jennifer who have both been knocked up, as mentioned here and here, finally have something to show for all the hormonal warfare that I’m sure they have been suffering .  Jennifer brought Cat’s biological child, little Thatcher Julius Cora, into the world over the weekend.

Ah, baby.  And another one on the way for the couple in another three months.  I was so glad to be past the baby stage in my life-imagine my surprise to learn that I’m about to re-enter it as an old, wrinkly grandma.  And yes, I’m thirty-six.  Cheers!  And someone?  Anyone?  Get me a Sky Bar.

I am such a 10-year-old girl. I was talking to my friend Anna today about possibly carpooling to the Britney Spears show on Thursday. She was like, “Yeah, we’ll probably leave around five.” I was like, “Well, okay, here’s the problem: Since I’m a member of the Britney Spears Fan Club …” and I didn’t get any further than that. Before I could explain that I had special fan-club VIP tickets that allow me to do a pre-show backstage tour and dinner, so I’d have to leave earlier than five, she had erupted in laughter, as had anyone else in earshot. I was like, “Fine! Okay! Yeah, I said that. I’m out and I’m proud! I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS!”

So whatever. I’m still a pre-teen as far as my musical tastes are concerned. So is 23-year-old Ashley Tisdale, who today released a longer clip of her new track, “It’s Alright, It’s Okay” on MySpace. You can listen to it here. It sounds like … something straight off the High School Musical soundtrack. I thought she was supposed to be past that phase in her career. But you know what? I kind of love it. I won’t apologize! I loooooove cheesy tween-pop! It makes me so happy!

For real, though, Ash, your music has to grow up, because eventually your fans are going to.