“Hey Valentina, tell your mama she should give me a call

When she get tired of runnin’ after you down the hall

And she’s all worn out from those late-night feedings

and she’s ready for another rock and roll meeting.”

The subtle lyrics to Prince’s new song, “Valentina.”  Incidentally, Prince has obviously had a thing for Salma Hayek for quite awhile.  In his 2001 song “Liquid Dreams,” he sang, “Angelina Jolie’s lips to kiss in the dark, underneath Cindy C’s beauty mark.  When it comes to the test, well Tyra’s the best, and Salma Hayek brings the rest.”

Set your DVRs because Miley Cyrus is on The Rachael Ray Show tomorrow.  Can you imagine the cacophony of those two little squawkers?  Ugh.  Need.  Booze.

Miley shares that dating Justin Gaston has brought her closer to the Lord.  As in, “Oh God.  Oh, Lord, whatever you are doing, don’t…ever…stop…”

Just kidding, just kidding.  Miley would never talk during sex because she knows that her voice automatically thrusts erections around the world into the no-fly zone.

Seriously though, Cyrus told Ray, not Billy but Rachael, “I’ve never been closer to the Lord since I met him.  He’s really made me read my Bible.  He’s made me actually read the stories in the Bible-not the quick little verses-that not only help me, but show you how to help other people.”

In other words, she knows Justin Gaston biblically-which we already knew.

Other exciting parts of the taped segment include Miley talking about how she didn’t like Gaston initially, and that she is learning how to color her own hair for eight dollars instead of paying eight hundred dollars to have it done professionally.  Fascinating stuff.

Do you like hot sword-bearing men?  Slutty pagan whores who do acrobatics in short skirts … while going commando?  Horse fuckers!?  Well then don’t miss Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire on Comedy Central, which premiers this evening, Thursday April 9th at 10/9 Central.  It’s no South Park, but it’s seriously pushing the bestiality envelope.  And if that’s not enough to pique your interests, then add a bisexual cyclops or “biclops” and a sassy, dramatic gay man in a cut-off tee, and a sorcerer without powers.  Seriously folks, this is like Robin Hood Men in Tights but more gruesome and sexier.  Like, 300-men-in-one-night-sexy [Ed: Is Gerard Butler one of them? Then yes please!]. Enjoy!

I don’t really hate you. I love you. But when I suffer, you must suffer as well.  My pain is your pain.

If this Burger King video has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that there is not enough money in the entertainment blogging industry to make having to cover this story okay.

Oh, and because it isn’t clear at all from watching the spot, Burger King is advertising kid’s meals.  Yes, these are the lyrics that were written with their target in mind:

I like square butts and I cannot lie
Squid and Sea Star can’t deny
When a sponge walks in, four corners and his pen
Like he got phone book implants, the crowd shouts

All the ladies stare
Dang those pants are square!
Swimming through the seaweed tangle
Is a butt with sharp right angles

Now Sponge Bob, I wanna get witch-ya
‘Cuz you’re making me rich-ah
Underwater, we keep it grungy
‘Cuz everybody knows that ‘He so spongey!’

Ooh, Rumplespongeskin
You dance, but your hips don’t bend
So groove it and move it
If you got caboose, then prove it

Sponge Bob is dancing
And Squidward is glancing
He’s hatin’… wet
He’s got Sponge Bob runnin’ his set

I’m tired of all these chairs
They don’t accommodate these squares
Take the average ???? tell him that
You gotta have square back

Mr. Krab! (yeah)
Patrick! (yeah)
Has Sponge Bob got the butt? (oh yeah)
Then shake it (shake it)
Shake it (shake it)
Shake that cubicle butt

Sponge Bob got back
(Naw, dude, I said cubicle, not booty-ful. Don’t trip. Yeah baby, when it comes to sea life, curves ain’t got nothin’ to do with Bob’s selection. 2 x 2 x 2 square trousers, working that black belt, looking like dotted lines. That’s how Sponge Bob like to rock them threads baby.)

A word to the DC sponges who wanna get wit it
And watch Sponge Bob kick it
I gotta be straight when I say you gotta scrub ’til the break of dawn
Bob got it goin’ on, been known to rock him a thong
Them round butts won’t admit it
But they’d wear that gear if they could fit it

You can draw his body on paper
His waistline really don’t taper
Your girlfriend wants to squeeze him
Wanna push his pores and tease him

But Sponge Bob ain’t gonna have too much of that squeezin’
You other sponges don’t want none unless you rock square buns!

To the new sponges in the magazines, you ain’t it Miss Thang
We rock them cubes, gals and dudes
Put it down at the goo lagoon

Some other box must get jealous
At the moves that come from square fellas
See Bob and they wanna get him
But Sandy Cheeks he won’t let ‘em

If you happen to wander on land
And you wanna be a square butt fan
And drive the crew right to Burger King
And give that sponge a ring

Sponge Bob got back!

I know we don’t do many sports here on Evil Beet, and this isn’t really a tale about baseball-it’s about tragedy.  I just read this story and find it so sad.  This kid was only twenty-two years old.

Los Angeles Angels starting pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed in a felony hit-and-run car accident

in Fullerton, California early this morning — hours after he pitched in a game last night.

Cops say someone driving a minivan blew through a red light, causing the Mitsubishi that Adenhart was riding in to hit a light pole. Three people were killed in the crash, including Nick.

Cops say the person driving the van

fled the scene — but was later caught and charged with felony hit-and-run. The suspect is currently being treated for injuries in a local hospital.

We’re told one of the other men killed in the crash was also affiliated with the Angels organization.

…Nick pitched his ass off last night, striking out 5 guys in 6 scoreless innings. His performance was hailed by sportswriters as a “brilliant effort by a 22-year-old right-hander making his fourth Major League start.”

TMZ has pictures of the smashed-up car if you’re into that sort of thing.

Prayers go out to the Adenhart family as well as everyone affiliated with the Angels organization.

Now that Pink and her ex-husband Carey Hart have been released from the noose of matrimony, it seems like their love may get a second wind.

Yesterday Carey Hart told The Sun, “We’re working shit out.  I admit it.  She’s just totally normal and low-key.”  Which raises questions such as “Why?”  Why would anyone choose The Sun to make major life and relationship announcements to?

Good luck to the happy couple!  I hope they enjoy a lifetime of divorcehood.  Together, natch.