Tori Spelling might not be able to be saved from her mandible.  And if she hasn’t learned the Bright Lipstick, Neutral Eye Color (or vice versa) rule yet, it probably isn’t going to ever sink in.  But Tori Spelling is wasting away in front of our eyes.  She’s always been thin but she looks a little insane at this point.

Tori’s skeleton, her husband Dean and their children Liam and Stella all attended Tori’s Mommywood book release party last night in Bev Hills.  Also there were Lisa Rinna, Jennie Garth, Kim Kardashian and inexplicably, Bobby Trendy.

Spelling has been going through a lot of familial stress lately which could be contributing to her gaunt appearance.  Her mom Candy just released her own book, titled Candyland.  Beyond their ability to cleverly title books, it seems like this mother and daughter don’t have much in common.  According to Mama Spelling, Tori has cut Candy out of her diet life.

Of course, Whori says she loves her mom but they “simply never meshed.”

I don’t know how to tell you this Cands, but it seems like your kid just isn’t that into you.

Marlee Matlin’s new book, “I’ll Scream Later” shares her story of a quick ascent to fame, her drug addiction and the abuse she suffered at the hands of her boyfriend and Children of a Lesser God co-star, William Hurt.

It’s the abuse part that bothers me the most.  Yeah, she talks about her cocaine habit, but really, who wasn’t addicted to cocaine in the eighties?  But I’ve been a fan of William Hurt for a lot of years and it totally disheartens me out to learn that he was the original Chris Brown.  In an Access Hollywood interview, Matlin alleged, “I always had fresh bruises everyday.  And if I had a split lip, or if… I mean, there were a lot of things that happened that were not pleasant.”

In trying to describe Hurt, the actress said that he was, “one of the most complex persons that I’ve ever dealt with. But, at the time, living with him was different than anything I’ve ever experienced.”  In other words, madman.

My brother and I made a bet before he left for his tour of duty in Afghanistan.  I think it was a drunken conversation that went something like, “You come back from war in one piece and I’ll get a tattoo,” knowing that he’d never remember our gin-soaked wager.  I was very relieved to have him return alive a year later.  One day he asked me to lunch and instead of driving us to a restaurant, he drove me to a tattoo parlor and left me there.  For three hours.  So, yeah, I have a tattoo.  A bet is a bet, but I look at that damned thing every day and wish I had just said “puppy” or “kid” instead of “tattoo.”

What is it about tattoos that always seem to go hand in hand with life change?  Rihanna had guns inked on her after being beaten up, Levi Johnston got Bristol Palin’s name put on his finger when he fell in love, Britney Spears headed to the tattoo parlor when she went bald crazy, as well.

Lindsay Lohan gets body art every time she’s drunk or high.  Needless to say, her epidermal real estate is at an all-time premium right now.  She’s basically a human totem pole with each colorful picture relaying a tale of her latest hallucination.  Last week, after the Red Bull and vodka-fueled Samantha Ronson split, Lohan found herself back at the needle, this time getting a Marilyn Monroe quote inscribed on her inner wrist:  “Everyone’s a star and deserves the right to twinkle.”  It’s time for some self-evaluation when you are having validating statments regarding you star status permanently inked on your body.

I hope Lindsay gets her act together before she runs out of skin.

When she’s not busy being hopeless lonely and crazy, Lindsay Lohan found the time to do this brillz video for Funny or Die. Shit like this? Is why I will always love her. She’s a cool girl, behind all the crazy. And, yes, Lindsay, you deserve a thanks for keeping this website afloat. It’s all you and your Google rank, girlfriend. Everything else is just filler.

On Monday, Heidi Klum and hubby Seal took their ridiculously attractive children, Leni, Henry and Johan, for a walk in Manhattan.

Heidi is wearing some very loose (and ugly!) clothing here, and a huge sweatshirt. When I first saw these pics, I was like, “Is Heidi Klum pregnant again?” I don’t think she is — based on this photo taken in LA two weeks ago:

But it’s still an odd choice of outfit, even if it is a little cold in New York. I mean, her children look plenty warm, but they’ve done so without looking homeless.

According to this article in the Daily Mail, Suri Cruise will be off to Scientolotot Elementary after she turns three this week. She’s heading to the Scientologist school founded by (closeted) Scientologist Will Smith.

The school is staffed by trained Scientologists and lists ‘study technology’ as a key curricular focus. The children eat a low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic diet, although something tells me that’s about the only positive thing they’ll be teaching the kids at that school.

Meanwhile, Katie’s reportedly been on a much less nutritious diet, the Purification Rundown that Scientolowives endure before becoming impregnated with their little Xenu babies. The diet –- which consists of herbal drinks and a purification procedure to eliminate toxic substances — is rumored to have left Katie so run-down that she was forced to miss the Oscars. Starvation! Exactly what the medical community recommends prior to pregnancy! Katie’s somehow found the strength to be filming her new movie, The Extra Man, in NYC, but she’ll be heading back to LA soon so that Suri can start school and she can get knocked up. (By some manner of “extra man,” I’d imagine — probably the same one that fathered Suri.)

FREE KATIE!!!